Top critical review
The pits of the universe
3 December 2018
For kids in the 1980s, Thursday night was all about Top of the Pops.
You’d see your favourite and least favourite acts performing their latest brilliant/awful hits.
It was fun, frivolous, and glamorous.
Which of those words accurately describes Combover King Ed Sheeran?
Is his music fun?
A night spent nailing your stones to the floor while having a friend remove your feet Audition style would be more fun than listening to any of his airborne atrocities.
Is his music frivolous?
He’s relentlessly earnest, albeit in a calculating, all-about-the-money fashion (the only time Singing Binman Sheeran and fashion will appear in the same sentence).
‘My dad told me... I didn’t go to University... put some serious music on the jukebox.’
An enormous self-important bore.
Is he glamorous?
Sheeran is as glamorous as a night spent at a Yoker bus stop sucking turps out of a glove you found abandoned in a gutter.
He is the antithesis of a proper pop star.
What can account for his popularity?
I can only think that he’s some Putin project designed to undermine faith in Western democracy and civilisation.
We should all club together, buy a big skip, and put him and his pal Vlad in it.