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Customer Review

13 of 38 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars This film should have stayed up the 'Apple and Pears', 19 Oct. 2012
This review is from: Cockneys Vs Zombies [Blu-ray] (Blu-ray)
The only reason I would recommend this film is if you are intrigued by Cockneys or just generally enjoy being bored. I'm assuming the 'director' (generous description alert!) just hoped that people would be laughing uncontrollably throughout the entire film after reading the title and miss the drivel in between.

I didn't actually 'star' in this film unlike the previous reviewer (thanks for giving away the ending by the way) who had the privilege of being de-legged by Michelle Ryan. Some of you may remember Michelle Ryan as she played the daughter of Eastenders resident leopard-print enthusiast, Kat Slater.

Michelle was forced to leave the show after been seen in the background of several emotional scenes, passing wind and deliberately wafting her sulphur surprise towards other cast members.

Only joking, she left to concentrate on more realistic projects involving zombies and witches, producers tried to convince her to stay by bringing Dirty Den back from the dead, hoping audiences wouldn't remember seeing a much slimmer version of him being shot several years before. Den was then killed again by a shoe (not acting on it own, a person was flailing it) after being re-united with his (Den's not the shoe's) daughter Sharon - who incidentally portrays crying, by thinking of something really funny.....and then laughing instead. Sharon was either devastated or delighted at Den's funeral.

This film will appeal to you if you watched 'Shaun of the Dead' and thought "I'm not enjoying this! Its too humorous, original and enjoyable. I sincerely hope somebody does a terrible job of copying this and removes the previously mentioned traits"

I sincerely hope this isn't the beginning of a series of films as I don't think I could sit through - 'Orkney Islanders vs Income Tax Legislation' or 'Cilla Black vs The Harlem Globe Trotters'

The box describes this a 'mash-up' of 'Shaun of the Dead' and 'Lock Stock'. If I can finish with my own potato based pun, I think this mash is a bit lumpy and needs more butter.

Butter = Quality
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Showing 1-7 of 7 posts in this discussion
Initial post: 20 Oct 2012 05:55:37 BDT
Ha ha!!

Now THIS is how you write a review!!

Absolute genius!

Thanks googlyeyes, you've given me my only laugh of the day.

In reply to an earlier post on 21 Oct 2012 11:26:04 BDT
This is how to write a review when you clearly haven't seen the film

In reply to an earlier post on 23 Oct 2012 13:01:23 BDT
Last edited by the author on 26 Oct 2012 21:47:06 BDT
Thank you for your comment, although I can reveal that I did actually watch the film. I fully understand your suspicions that I didn't actually see this film as I didn't mention any specifics scenes, however, this was deliberate as I didn't want to ruin any scenes for anyone (sometimes referred to as spoilers). Spoilers are my number one 'goat-getter' closely followed by the premature signs of ageing and processed cheese. My mostly negative review was based on my negative emotions during and after the film.

My partner fell asleep twice during the film, although this allowed me more popcorn, I think her sleep-based review was more damning than my words-based review.

I did consider adding another star onto my review after seeing Michelle Ryan on 'Saturday Kitchen' at the weekend, I didn't watch the whole show as I was busy, but from what I saw, she appeared extremely friendly and kind. However, kindness doth not a good film make!

Im sure Michelle Ryan's parents 'Meg' and 'Saving Private' will be very proud though

I appreciate your comments and if you are considering buying this film and would like more info, please see my review above.

In reply to an earlier post on 23 Oct 2012 20:36:00 BDT
Ha ha!


You, sir, are a comedy genius. You should write your own movie!

Posted on 26 Oct 2012 17:19:33 BDT
Guv says:
Dreadful film. I can only assume that everyone who has given this rubbish a good mark had something to do with the making of it. With an unfunny script and wooden acting, it makes we British look like we have no sense of humour and have no one who can act. A far, far better film out of the UK (on every level) is Wild Bill. CvZ is one of the worst films I've seen in years.

Posted on 29 Oct 2012 12:47:20 GMT
AvidReader says:
Great review - had me chuckling into my coffee. I did actually enjoy the film - obviously not as good as Shaun of the Dead, but overall not bad, but still a very good review!

In reply to an earlier post on 30 Oct 2012 16:17:53 GMT
C.Elder says:
As Shaun of the Dead was dire, this CvZ must be as bad as the awful Lesbian Vampire hunters film.
By the way, the sequel will be "Public Sector employees v. people with real jobs".
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