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This review is from: Virus  [DVD] (DVD)
You know that a movie is pretty bad when its star later rants about just how awful it is.
And honestly, Jamie Lee Curtis describing how she uses "Virus" to compete in I've-been-in-worse-movies-than-you contests is a LOT more entertaining than the movie itself. Plot holes, characters acting like morons, a pace like the oozing of frozen mud -- it's difficult to find anything that is actually GOOD about this unmitigated, derivative mess.
The tugboat Sea Star ends up being swept into a massive typhoon, and ends up losing its cargo. I honestly don't even know if tugboats can go out to sea like that, or if they are used as cargo ships. I tend to think that the answer to both is "no."
While alcoholic Captain Everton (Donald Sutherland) contemplates suicide, the rest of the crew notices another ship -- a seemingly abandoned Russian ship, just floating in the eye of the storm. Everton immediately becomes obsessed with claiming it as salvage, but navigator officer Kelly Foster (Jamie Lee Curtis) and engineer Steve Baker (William Baldwin) are wary.
The crew goes onto the Russian ship, and quickly discover that the electronics have been sabotaged. They only find out why when they are attacked by a half-crazed Russian survivor (Joanna Pacuła) who demands that they cut all power to the ship. And before long, the dead-meat members of the crew stumble across an alien life-form that has taken over the ship -- a mechanical monster that uses humans for spare parts.
"Virus" really feels like a bad Star Trek fanfic where the Borg crashed into 20th-century Earth. Yes, the alien intelligence is basically just a less intimidating clone of the Borg -- a biomechanical life-form that takes apart and puts together cyborg drones as a part of itself. It's not even subtle. The "assimilated" creatures even has attachments that are put there JUST to make them look Borglike.
And yet, the ripoffs are not the worst part of the movie. It just slogs by at a painfully slow pace, with predictable plot twists treated as surprises -- oh dear, will Everton betray them? I just need to know! In between are a lot of grotesquely dull scenes of bickering and people acting like idiots, not to mention horrendously slow action scenes of veeerrrry slooooowww cyborgs veerrry slooowwwly attacking the crew. And the more you think about it, the more plot hopes tear open -- for instance, why did Nadia not destroy the computer during the WEEK she was hiding on the ship? Was she just a massive coward?
And the crew makes stupid decision after stupid decision so that they'll be in the maximum amount of danger. In fact, it's pretty baffling that ANY of them are still obeying Everton when he is clearly insane, and they have PROOF of that because of how he took them straight into a typhoon.
Donald Sutherland and Jamie Lee Curtis are the only actors who have anything to do here, and they look disgusted -- I wouldn't be surprised if Sutherland really WAS drunk the whole time, and Curtis looks like she's about to leap overboard in every scene just to get away from this movie. And except for the hammy Baldwin, every other actor basically has "dead meat" written across their faces.
"Virus" is a lot like a stomach virus -- it makes you dizzy and nauseous, and it seems to last forever. But when it's over, thank God and reach for a GOOD movie.