OMG! What has happened to poor old Michael Madsen? The star of many great Hollywood movies such as Pulp Fiction, Reservoir dogs, Species, Kill Bill, Sin City and Donnie Brasco to name a few) Then he's slipped into making out and out dross like Piranhaconda.
Don't get me wrong, I knew this film was going to be cheesy just by the title but seeing his name on the cover gave me a little bit of hope that the film would be worth watching. How wrong was I?
The plot is awful, mad professor tries to track down a half snake, half fish creature (like this infusion is even possible) to steal it's eggs to make some quick cash. Upon doing this, the eggs parents begin to kill anyone who is on screen while trying to recover thier offspring (yeah right).
This movie is woeful, the plot is so incoherant and laughably bad that it's impossible not to get angry at the stupidity of the people involved. I found myself swearing at the tv in frustration and disbelief almost every few minutes.
The effects are unbelievable, I could do better using adobe videoshop editor on my laptop and whoever was responsible for these needs an ASBO slapping on him, to ban him from ever touching a computer again. They're awful. I've seen ZX spectrum games from the 1980's with better graphics.
Even the gore is dire, you'd think it would be easier for the film makers to use the old corn syrup and red dye for blood splatter effects but instead, they go for CGI blood and this looks awfully fake. You see the odd arm and leg lying around and that's about it.
The music is completely out of synch with the films supposed tone and the acting is comical at best (even from Mr Madsen).
The directing was so bad I just couldn't believe what I was watching at times, in one scene a guy walks out of the water, soaked up to his waist, in the very next shot he's as dry as a bone. In another scene the piranhaconda is chasing after a vehicle but correct me if I'm wrong, I thought snakes slithered from side to side to propel themselves forward? In this chase scene however, the creature just darts straight after the vehicle with no form of propulsion whatsoever (maybe it has some new roller blades that I just didn't see?)
Seriously, if you are looking for a decent monster flick or you just happen to be a fan of Michael Madsen, then avoid this one like the plague, it's dreadful. I wouldn't say it's the worst film I've ever seen but it's pretty damn close. ZERO stars out of 10.
I know what you're thinking. "This film looks so dreadful, it must actually be amazing!" And you'd be thinking the same thing I did.
But you're wrong.
I recently picked this up as one of the main features at my most recent "Manly Movie Night", an infrequent but always heroic event when my friends and I get together, drink beer, eat rank food, watch atrocious movies, and generally have a fantastic night in. Previous movie choices have included HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN, COCKNEYS VS ZOMBIES, and MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS, so we are by no means discussing intelligent, intellectual entertainment here. With that out of the way, I can continue.
This film was dire.
Yes, you get awful dialogue, horrendous CGI, a dreadful soundtrack, and (almost) all the gratuitously filmed bikini you could ever hope for. Indeed, these are things that we all secretly wish for when picking up a movie of this level of quality. But despite all such redeeming features, the movie still left us three viewers that night watching it with mixed feelings.
The first of us fell asleep. The second of us decided his iPad was far more interesting during much of the presentation. And the third of us sat there in silence, wondering whether he shouldn't have just put on Commando instead.
Keep on looking - the centrepiece to your Manly Movie Night is on this site somewhere, but it isn't here!