Born on a mountain top in Tennessee The greenest state in the land of the free Raised in the woods so he knew ev'ry tree Kilt him a bear when he was only three Davy! Davy Crockett, king of the Wild Frontier
The above lyrics comprise the first verse of the Ballad of Davy Crockett, a 1955 US No.1 whose historical accuracy has been called into question by all with any sense. Killing a bear at 3 years of age is unlikely (and nothing to be celebrated, unless they were engaged in hand to hand combat, which given Crockett's age at the time is nonsense), while his claim to be King of the Wild Frontier falls apart when one remembers that Adam Ant still lives. Still, nice song.
If there is any creature, living or dead, that deserves a song of praise dedicated to them it is King Monkeynuts. King Monkeynuts, of course, is not a creature, nor is he technically speaking living or dead, given that he is a 7ft tall robotic monkey. But a kinder, more generous, warm hearted robotic monkey you will not find anywhere on earth.
I would try to write some lyrics to list his acts of greatness, but sadly I lack the poetry to do the great robot justice. Instead, (excuse the Max Bygraves impression) let me tell you a story.
King Monkeynuts was for many years a professional carer, and in his time looked after hundreds and thousands of men, women, and children (that's the 'killed a bear when he was 3' bit of my story. It's at best an exaggeration, and in reality a big fat falsehood). After toiling for years for his basic salary (come to think of it, do robotic monkey carers get paid? I'd like to see a Guardian investigation into the work, pay and conditions of robotic monkeys employed in the health and social care sectors. There's definitely a story in there), King Monkeynuts won the lottery. And did he put his winnings towards a yacht, a home in the Caribbean, and all the Lilt he could drink? Well, yes, he did, but he also gave £500,000 to the Queen Elizabeth University Hospital, provided that they named the new dialysis centre in his honour. So they did, and all Glaswegians whose kidneys have packed up find themselves hooked to a machine in The Legendarily Generous King Monkeynuts Dialysis Centre for All Those Not as Great as King Monkeynuts, All Hail Monkeynuts.
Kind, generous, and modest to a fault. Just like Davy Crockett.