Top positive review
The spiritual dimension is missing
on 10 October 2017
In therapeutic terms the book is accurate and a tremendous resource for women addicted to men who don't love them. However. In spiritual terms. The book is useless. Having an intense love for someone is a spiritual feeling. HOWEVER, it is not all that it seems. It shows us up to help us heal wounds that reside in us. Only by bringing these feelings into awareness (sometimes through the mirage of 'love') can we begin to change our automatic addiction.
I had a problem that dominated my entire adult life. Namely that I was attracted to men that allowed me to right the wrong my absent father had done to me. I knew this from the age of 17. Yet I wasn't able to stop recreating the same situation until I was 31. I would fall hopelessly in love with the man who showed me I wasn't good enough. And wonder why all the nice guys chased me. And why I wasn't interested in them.
Meditation ultimately illuminated me as a four-year-old child waiting for my father to pick me up and showed me I had been waiting for all my relationships to 'pick me up'. Unsurprisingly that never came. All I received was pain, suffering and desire. I had to label the last addiction as 'I do not deserve love' in my phone. And every time he called I would say to myself 'I do deserve love'. I blocked him on every platform, lost friends through our acquaintances and went to the police for a restraining order. At that point I had been in turmoil with him (daily crying, his favourite thing was to say he loved me, and not return my calls for weeks - again and again and again). Still I desired him! He did exactly what my father did. The last guy was the worse. Many years after I escaped and started recovery. I forced myself into a relationship with a man I wasn't initially attracted to because initially I was scared I would go for the same absent father guy again and the distraction I thought would prevent me. Frankly, I was at breaking point and desperate to stop hurting myself. Over two years I began to see the nice guy differently each day. He grew more attractive and nicer with each day I stopped wanting pain. Still that desire for pain was so strong in me. It was only a total reordering of my life when I gave it up. New career. New friends. New hobbies. And importantly a meditation practice that helped me see and recover from my addiction to painful romantic relationships with men.
I also found the science behind my addiction beneficial to learn about in a book called 'Why you love a guy who doesn't love you. And how to stop'. Recommended reading if you are a woman, addicted to love. Like I was and NEED the science as to what is happening to you.
I have been happily married for years now. And when I hear friends describe what I suffered for my twenties I tell them to read this book and go to a Vipassana meditation retreat. The book is written for other therapists and provides little in the way of clear guidance for how to change your behaviour. Through meditation you gain awareness. And in awareness you can let go of even the strongest patterns. I wish you total recovery. We all deserve to be loved.