I have the two best boys in the world who appear very happy. My eldest, in particular, never forgets to say please or thank you, but he rarely opened up to me about how he was getting on at school, so when I saw the ... How to listen so kids will talk, I decided I should give it a go, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? I have always been a strict parent, I have high expectations of my boys, myself, my husband... I have been going about reaching those high expectations the wrong way all my life it would appear! Having read the first few pages, it was clear that my attitude needed a drastic rethink. I tried to put the suggested teaching to work and instantly my eldest responded well. I can see him growing in confidence before my eyes and he's started talking openly about his life. I am humbled. Even the woman who knew everything, didn't. I'm still learning, and so are my family, but these two ladies have persuaded me that their way is better than mine ever was. It's not easy, and I forget easily, slipping into my old habits, but I believe this something really worth working at. I can't recommend it highly enough.
This book to me was a bit unrealistic. It taught me how to react to challenging behaviour a bit better however I think the sketches inside the book are a bit far fetched. If my child is screaming at me that he is grumpy for no reason, pulling on my leg, hitting and kicking - I find it hard to believe that the answer is to calmly ask what's wrong and fuss them which is what this book suggests. I didn't like how the last hundred pages of the book were dedicated to peoples testimonies of the actual book? disappointed with that. Overall, a few good ways to approach your children better and to help them solve their own problems but certainly didn't have an 'epiphany moment' with this one.
A must read for parents. Easily understandable principles that have resulted in a rapid and marked improvement in the behaviour of my four year old daughter and me, her 44 year old Daddy.
I have been recommending this to many parents. I think it would be great if the government issued this to every parent and tested them in its contents.
It's very straightforward and accessible. Clearly at the most difficult times of parenting it can be a challenge to stay calm and apply the principles to your behaviour as a parent. But by generally working with the principles, the stressful incidents can become fewer and further between. There really is an easier way and this short book captures it.
Those skills should be a must for everyone. I think it might take a few generations before a general change occurs in our society, which still rely heavily on carrots and sticks. However, I am optimistic that this will be the approach of the future. It does not only apply between children and adults, but between everyone. Some people just have no idea how to properly talk (and listen) to other people, and that's because it is not in our native language. I would like to share what happened to me when I was 15-16, at secondary school, a time when I wish I had those skills and mastered that language. I had just moved to a different country so I was new. A few months after I arrived, some boys started picking on me (verbally and physically). As a girl raised in a fairly traditional way, with an authoritarian dad, all I knew was fight or flight. I also learned to be afraid of men, after being reminded multiple times that women were the "weaker sex". I tried ignoring the boys, only to make them want to shout even louder and push even harder. I also got defensive at times, just telling them to f*** off, only to be told how rude I was by the audience I had. My classmates obviously did not possess any better tools because all the (unsolicited) advice I received was "look away", "ignore them", "tell them to f*** off" and on one occasion "you should have smacked him". I was also told not to get upset or scared or anything. I would like to use this occasion to thank A.Faber & E.Mazlish for writing about how unhelpful, if not harmful, unwanted advice and denying feelings can be. In retrospect, I so wish I had possessed these tools back then. For example, I wish I had told the one boy who probably most pushed my buttons: "It's clear that you have an issue with me". It sounds even better than "What on Earth is the matter with you?", to which he would probably have answered "Nothing". It is definitely far better than freezing, blushing, swearing, etc. which sums up what I usually did. I have also always secretly believed that punishment does not solve anything in the long run, but now I am proud to admit it! Not only for the reasons mentioned in this book, but also because how many times have I seen the wrong person being punished while the culprit got away, a child being punished after false accusations or for something that they were not old enough to know better? As disappointed as I was that my teachers turned a blind eye on the bullying that they witnessed, in a way I'm glad they didn't issue stupid detentions, because I'm convinced that the boys would only have made sure not to get caught by them afterwards. Punishments are just not really effective, neither are warnings (threats) that encourage children to test them. As for empty threats, well I think it goes without saying. Now the mother of an 18-month-old, to who I want to teach those skills, I would recommend this book to absolutely anyone, as well as other books about positive discipline!
I have only had this book for one day, but the amount of relevant and constructive advice given is unbelievable. It works! I used the dialogue given to dictate how my child must be feeling after an emotional incident occurred, and it was like magic. My kids do have the ability to listen after all!!!! The whole day has been happy for once!