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on 4 June 2016
I love this book! I don't necessarily agree with everything the author says (especially that all rewards are bad) but I think what this book does do is make you think about how you parent and helps put you in your child's shoes so to speak. Personally I think this is essential reading for all parents, definitely gives you something to think about as well as examples of how you could do things differently. Not your usual parenting book, but one I would recommend.
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on 18 September 2017
Essentially, this book encourages parents to replace actively controlling your children with empathetic guidance instead. By loving your child for who they are as opposed to what they do. Unconditionally.
The essence of this book lies in the beautiful idea it presents. A definite eye-opener. A brilliant read.
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on 11 September 2017
Absolutely fantastic. My husband and I read through this together which I'd aDvise other couples to do so that your parenting from the same page and not frustrating each other. This book I certainly has been a game changer for us...be prepared to be seriously challenged from your place of default parenting! We would recommend this book to everyone.
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on 20 October 2015
excellent book for any parent or educator. Makes you think a lot about what you are doing and what you want for your child in the future. Makes you reconsider your methods and everything you've read before and everything everyone tells you it's right to do.
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on 22 August 2017
A wonderful book for all parents to read.
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on 2 June 2016
This is such an eye opener.
All of its conclusions are based on hard evidence.
Sadly I only came across this very recently and not 7 years ago. Had I come across this earlier, it would have channelled my energy used for punishing, for more useful interactions with my children such as helping them understand the emotions inside them and help them express their feelings differently and in better, non-aggressive ways which won't hurt others. Instead of spending time on supervising my children completing their 'time out' time or thinking up 'consequences' to punish them, I should have invested in more emotionally productive means such as conversations to help make children empathetic to the feelings of others, to create moral awareness, to help them to feel responsible for their actions and most of all, to help deal with anger and aggression. Instead, i have involuntarily fuelled aggression, frustration and hatred. And definitely not stimulated self-reflection. 'Punishment breads misbehaviour' and 'Rewards are counterproductive’.

This book entirely questions the way we have been raised and the strategies we apply - punishment and rewards - in order to excise control over our children and use power and pressure to make children obey and comply in the short run. This book explains why these strategies are not only questionable but why they don't work and why they're even counterproductive. Based on trials and research this book demonstrates in excellent ways its core theory and concludes important arguments against ‘conditional parenting'. We do not want children who are obedient out of pressure and out of fear of loosing love, and without a sense of self. We all want moral, independent individuals who have the ability to be proud of them from the inside and who don’t depend on external praise. We want people who don’t comply blindly. This book is NOT an invitation to anti-authoritarian parenting but an invitation to be permissive of the feelings of children, not of the actions. It's very much the school of thought as Haim Ginott’s 'Parent and Child'. Treat kids with love and attention. You can not spoil them. The more you show understanding for children, the more desirable the outcome.

This book looks at the core of issues of kids: to identify their feelings and to help them express these in better ways, ways that are not hurtful to others, neither emotionally nor physically. The book looks at the heart of the problem of misbehaviour: feelings that come out wrongly and unpredictibally. Feelings that have been suppressed and not dealt with before. This book is in every sense the opposite of how I was brought up or from what I've read and seen such as 'Supernanny' and other common parenting informations that have lead me into a wrong direction. It is going to be a hard journey to change my own conditioned behaviour so drastically.

Everything in this book confirms the secret fears of every parent, of raising children wrongly. And this is hard to admit to oneself. For a many parents this book is likely to be too radical. I'm hopeful it’s not too late for my children.
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on 20 January 2015
excellent purchase
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on 18 May 2017
Brilliant book, total game changer
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on 14 March 2015
Excellent reading
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on 31 July 2006
Alfie Kohn uses real research to back up his conclusions. The book is very readable and easy to understand but the ideas it contains could very well change your life and your children's lives. Very highly recommended by someone who has read a LOT of parenting books and has never before felt compelled to recommend one.
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