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Customer reviews

4.4 out of 5 stars
103
4.4 out of 5 stars


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on 14 September 2014
I was struck by the following line from page 235 of Alan's masterpiece - "The traumatic effect of growing up in a world where we must hide the truth of our strongest feeling causes our development to stall". I could not agree more with these words. Alan's work shows that there is a way through and it's brilliant to read such an enlightening piece.

This is, without a doubt, a very profound book that smashes you in the face with the issues gay men face and makes you sit up and really think. For me it has felt like the first time in my life that I've truly opened my eyes. I have been putting into place some of the skills Alan has suggested and it's amazing to see that by doing so I feel a sense of inner happiness and joy that I can't remember feeling for a very long time - probably the innocence I felt when in my very early year of 6-8.

This is a must read and cannot advocate it enough. Indeed, it is that good, I've made this the first book for the staff network LGBT network book club in my workplace. Brilliant!
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on 27 October 2016
Superb. This was great for my essay on transcultural counselling. Alan gives a wealth of insight into the common themes and developments on what it's like to be a gay man. Although a lot of this could also be applied to gay women, bisexuals, trans and other sexual preferences, some points would have required too much clarification so he chose to specify his approach to gay men. However, as a straight man I got a lot out of this especially around processing shame.
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on 5 December 2012
I found this book very helpful.

I used to be what the author had described in the book - nasty, judgmental, disbelieve in love,crazy about being perfect...
Before reading this book, my life could be really tiring sometimes. This book has changed me totally in a better way - psychologically.
I now understand why i used to be so obsessed with being better and perfect. Also the most important thing i recognize the book has taught me is to be generous and ordinary.

Everybody is trying their best to live a life.
It is natural we love a cute face, a hot body, a nice cock, but they are not necessary in a lovely relationship.
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on 16 September 2013
A very clear written and well thought out book. Absolute must read! For all gay men especially those who are struggling to accept their sexuality.
After reading this book, I was able to reflect on my own life as a gay man and everything totally made sense especially around "shame" which Downs explains in great detail.

This book contains a lot of good ideas and strategies to live a happier life as a gay man
The final chapter on how to put everything into practice is fantastic and ends the book nicely. I want to say thank you Alan Downs for a compiling and insightful book which is really needed in the gay community.
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on 20 May 2014
At first I thought it an American self help book, and then it hit me, there was an underlying and fundamental truth which applied to me and I totally started on a therapeutic thought process which had positive results. This has a universality and is based on a profound idea, many people would benefit from this book, gay or otherwise.
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on 5 March 2014
Written for any sexuality and a must for every gay man, let alone someone who wants to understand a gay man! Its challenging, real, honest and easily readable rather than psyco babble. Prepare to be challenged and to recognise yourself on many a page!
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on 11 December 2014
This book is flawed, as most of the previous reviewers have stated this book seems to focus and the A-Gays of America. You just have to get past that and take it witha pinch of salt. The first time i read this book and also a few times since then I've actually cried and I don't cry easily.

I totally saw myself in this book in the way i behave in relationships and my self sabotaging behaviour. This isn't going to give you a miracle cure, but it will definitely help you see yourself.
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on 21 August 2013
This book with its insight into the fundamental structure of developmental needs being unmet for gay men in society being unmet from early years, provides a rationale for the reasons, thinking and behaviour which manifests in adult years and ultimately the reasons as to why dysfunctional behaviour in terms of attention seeking and validation in the pursuit of authentic relationships becomes so fundamentally important for subjective well-being. It is well structured and written in language that is easy to read and understand. Highly recommended and an essential piece of work for anyone who would like to know more and understand what drives gay men in terms of objectives and desires in contemporary society.
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on 10 April 2017
Great read, explains transition in gay life. Puts situation experience into perspective
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on 29 November 2016
A really useful book to to help a straight therapist understand what it's like to be a gay man
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