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Profile for Helen Cairns > Reviews

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Content by Helen Cairns
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Helen Cairns

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Loose Onions: Submit To The Whims Of Your Master III
Loose Onions: Submit To The Whims Of Your Master III
Price: £1.99

5.0 out of 5 stars Filthy, 4 Feb. 2014
Verified Purchase(What is this?)
Yet again, being a woman, I've not been given a password for the internet grot so I've had to resort to the bottom of the erotic barrel that is the works of B P Perry. Having spread an already slim idea thinner than an anorexic supermodel across the first two Whims books he's decided to eke out a bit more cash to take his fap empire into profits of double figures.

The quality is exactly what you'd expect from the third book in a trilogy. However it gave me a rumbling in my lady area, the strength of which has not been seen since I sat at the back of a bus with a faulty exhaust and it rumbled with such strength I missed my stop and had to walk back three miles in the rain.

Bravo, Perry, Bravo.


Daphne's Drainage Dilemma: Submit To the Whims Of Your Master II
Daphne's Drainage Dilemma: Submit To the Whims Of Your Master II
Price: £1.99

5.0 out of 5 stars Perry's Party Pleaser, 5 Nov. 2012
Yet another Tour de France of Erotic fiction from the sick, sick pen of B P Perry.

Yet again, I was forced to pay the price of a loaf of bread to get my kicks because as a woman I'm not allowed to get free filth on the internet, I have to pay for it in textual form. That way it's acceptable, see?

If you like very literal games of hide the sausage, swathes of bum wadding and unspeakable tricks with a banana, this is the book for you.

My only criticism is that there were absoulutley no shades of grey in this book. I am unsure as to whether this matters in the great scheme of things though. There weren't any vampires either, more's the pity.


Submit To The Whims Of Your Master, Woman!
Submit To The Whims Of Your Master, Woman!
Price: £1.99

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars B P Perry - Erotic mastermind, 31 Oct. 2012
Verified Purchase(What is this?)
As a woman, I find the pursuit of filth on the internet both disgusting and irrelevant. I do, however, own an Amazon branded electronic reader so I thought to myself, instead of getting good quality filth for free, I should pay for some medioccre filth of the textual variety.

B P Perry's electronic novella sent me spinning though an oddesey of filth the like of which I have never encountered in my sad life as a spinster who due to animal allergies can't even have a cat to keep me company as I sit at home not going to parties and listening to the sound of my ovaries shrivelling and dying.

Angus Potato is truly an erotic hero of the ages and exactly the type of man who's gigantic pants I would like to get into and perhaps one day make a sandwich for.

If I was allowed to wear hats as a lady, I would tip mine toward Mr Perry, for showing me that there literaly are no depths to human depravity.

Bravo Sir!


The Mablethorpe Connection
The Mablethorpe Connection
Price: £2.49

5 of 5 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars AMAZLETHORPE, 24 July 2012
Verified Purchase(What is this?)
As a writer, B P Perry is a pretty good cartoonist.

"Voice of a generation" is a tag that is given out far too easily. He's definitely the voice of grizzled detectives from the Lincolnshire coastline.

Will that do?
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Jul 24, 2012 6:57 PM BST


Children of the Resolution
Children of the Resolution
Price: £3.23

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Heartwarming, interesting and gripping., 15 July 2011
Verified Purchase(What is this?)
I was in an odd position for this one - the first time I've ever read a book on the reccomendation of the author! I have to confess to being very well prepared to have to smile politley but I absolutley loved it. I found it interesting from many standpoints. I studied inclusion and education, so from an academic perspective it was interesting to me. Secondly, it was interesting as a human story - I really cared about the characters and what they were going through, exclusive of the setting. Childhood friendships were painted so vividly and beautifully that I was touched. It was also enjoyable from a storytelling standpoint,as the structure of the book was interesting enough to hold the attention of a jaded reader like me. Good stuff.


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