Buy used
£2.39
£4.29 delivery 10 - 14 October. Details
Used: Very Good | Details
Sold by momox co uk
Condition: Used: Very Good
Comment: From Europe's No.1 in used books & media articles.
Added to

Sorry, there was a problem.

There was an error retrieving your Wish Lists. Please try again.

Sorry, there was a problem.

List unavailable.
Kindle app logo image

Download the free Kindle app and start reading Kindle books instantly on your smartphone, tablet or computer – no Kindle device required.

Read instantly on your browser with Kindle for Web.

Using your mobile phone camera - scan the code below and download the Kindle app.

QR code to download the Kindle App

Follow the author

Ariel Leve
Follow
Something went wrong. Please try your request again later.

An Abbreviated Life: A Memoir Hardcover – Deckle Edge, 21 July 2016

by Ariel Leve (Author)
4.3 4.3 out of 5 stars 717 ratings
See all formats and editions

"Mesmerizing... A portrait of something familiar gone wildly, tragically awry."

—The New York Times

“Sometimes, a child is born to a parent who can’t be a parent, and, like a seedling in the shade, has to grow toward a distant sun. Ariel Leve’s spare and powerful memoir will remind us that family isn’t everything—kindness and nurturing are.” 

—Gloria Steinem

Ariel Leve grew up in Manhattan with an eccentric mother she describes as “a poet, an artist, a self-appointed troublemaker and attention seeker.” Leve learned to become her own parent, taking care of herself and her mother’s needs. There would be uncontrolled, impulsive rages followed with denial, disavowed responsibility, and then extreme outpourings of affection. How does a child learn to feel safe in this topsyturvy world of conditional love?

Leve captures the chaos and lasting impact of a child’s life under siege and explores how the coping mechanisms she developed to survive later incapacitated her as an adult. There were material comforts, but no emotional safety, except for summer visits to her father’s home in South East Asia-an escape that was terminated after he attempted to gain custody. Following the death of a loving caretaker, a succession of replacements raised Leve—relationships which resulted in intense attachment and loss. It was not until decades later, when Leve moved to other side of the world, that she could begin to emancipate herself from the past. In a relationship with a man who has children, caring for them yields a clarity of what was missing.

In telling her haunting story, Leve seeks to understand the effects of chronic psychological maltreatment on a child’s developing brain, and to discover how to build a life for herself that she never dreamed possible: An unabbreviated life.

Previous slide of product details
  1. Print length
    288 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Harper
  4. Publication date
    21 July 2016
  5. Dimensions
    13.97 x 2.46 x 20.96 cm
  6. ISBN-10
    0062269453
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0062269454
  8. See all details
Next slide of product details

Special offers and product promotions

Customer reviews

4.3 out of 5 stars
717 global ratings

Customers say

Customers find the writing quality well-written, perfectly expressed, and excellent. They also describe the narrative as powerful, informative, extraordinary, and fascinating.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

Select to learn more
Writing qualityNarrative quality
5 customers mention ‘Writing quality’5 positive0 negative

Customers find the writing quality of the book well-written, perfectly expressed, and excellent.

"Beautifully written - an extraordinary memoir & full of hope that we do not have to be the product ultimately of our experiences...." Read more

"...Leve tells her story without self-pity or blame. She's a fine writer, and I was glad to read that her life is a little more bearable now...." Read more

"Well written, accessible and addictive." Read more

"...Perfectly expressed...." Read more

3 customers mention ‘Narrative quality’3 positive0 negative

Customers find the memoir informative, extraordinary, and fascinating.

"There is much that is powerful and informative in this memoir, but ultimately, I didn't quite believe in it...." Read more

"Beautifully written - an extraordinary memoir & full of hope that we do not have to be the product ultimately of our experiences...." Read more

"...wholly inadequate mother whose behaviour often beggars belief - a fascinating read, especially when you've experienced something similar!" Read more

Top reviews from United Kingdom

Mary Ling
5.0 out of 5 stars Instantly recognisable by anyone who has suffered with a narcissistic mother. Perfectly expressed.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 28 March 2020
Verified Purchase
It was all I could do not to shout out ‘yes, exactly!’ every few pages of this book. The acute anxiety, fear and desperation to find freedom was so very familiar. It is a book I have wanted to write myself, but was unable to. Thank you to Ariel Leve for doing this for all of us who have suffered from mothers so completely unable to empathise or give unconditional love. Imagine being mothered by a 3 year old toddler, and you will come somewhere near to how it feels. I think people like this have had arrested development because of some early trauma? They are basically young children in adults clothing.

I escaped home at 18 after physical, verbal and manipulative abuse (the latter so much worse than the former) but was still ‘stalked’ by my mother and verbally abused until my 40s and ultimately until she became ill and died. I felt compassion but no love, and sadly some elation at being free.
3 people found this helpful
Helpful
 Report
Camilla Macaulay
4.0 out of 5 stars A detailed account of a difficult and painful childhood
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 17 September 2020
Verified Purchase
I bought this book because I always enjoyed Ariel Leve's "Cassandra" column in the Sunday Times. She often came across as a wounded soul. I remember one column whee she wrote that she was deeply hurt that a friend had blocked her on Facebook, At the time I thought that Ariel's reaction was disproportionate but we are , of course, products of our upbringing and this memoir goes some way to explaining why she is such a sensitive person. Ariel's mother, Sandra Hochman is still living, a famous New York poet and I can't believe that this book could have done anything but destroy their relationship. Hochman was, and perhaps still is, a big, gregarious and demanding personality who couldn't bear to be alone and constantly needed to be the centre of attention. She would have regular parties at their apartment and young Ariel had to repeatedly ask the guests to leave so that she could sleep, she had to be the grown up in a room full of adults. There were few boundaries with guests entering her bedroom. Her mother would turn up at school events in her nightdress and insisted that mother and daughter nakedly reinact Ariel's birth time and time again, once even including Ariel's' school friend who was never permitted to visit again. Hochman was suffocating in her need for attention and even called Interpol when Ariel refused to reveal her whereabouts as an adult.
Ariel's father left to live in Bali when she was very young but an ex-girlfriend of his regularly wrote to him reporting on what a wretched and miserable life little Ariel was having. One thing that I struggled to understand was why her father gets such a free pass. At least her mother was physically there but her father lived half a world away despite the fact that he knew his only child was suffering. One year Ariel and her father devised a plan for her to stay in Bail after her annual summer trip to visit him but Hochman caught a plane to bring her home, She didn't then even spend that evening with her daughter but went straight out to a party. Of course most mothers would travel to bring their only child home, it did at least show that she cared although she seemed to treat Ariel more as a possession than a daughter. The times mother and daughter seemed to bond were over their mutual love of writing and Hochman appears to have taken great pride in her daughter's literary achievements. She gives Ariel a book with an inscription by Saul Bellow stating that Hochman is a great poet. Ariel points out that her mother has written the inscription herself. Hochman is not embarrassed but insists that is exactly what Bellow would have written, it is quite a comical moment.
Ariel complains that her childhood apartment and some antiques were promised to her but sold off by her mother, Throughout the book it is obvious that Hochman is having money problems so can she really be condemned for trying to pay the bills?
Ariel's mother employed a housekeeper, Josie, was a source of stability and love but she would beat Ariel for answering back. She was regularly fired and Ariel would beg her mother to rehire her. Later Ariel asks her mother why she permitted the beatings and uses the words "child abuse" but her mother is unrepentant and a huge argument ensues . When Ariel is introduced to people they often share stories about her overbearing mother and how she relentlessly tried to rail-road them into something they felt uncomfortable with.
By the end of the book Ariel is step-mother to two little girls, her partner being a kind, sensitive and undemanding Italian who doesn't like drama or conflict. The stories she shares show her as ever mindful of not damaging the girls emotionally and she portrays herself as almost a saintly mother figure. Their life together is idyllic and calm with seemingly never a cross word exchanged.
I imagine that this was a very cathartic book to write but life is short and I hope that Ariel can reconcile on some level with her mother before she dies. Mother-daughter relationships are notoriously complicated but this one saw a mother put her own needs way above those of her lonely and unhappy daughter.
Helpful
 Report
Miss Trunchbull
5.0 out of 5 stars Sharing your story really does help others
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 25 June 2021
Verified Purchase
I felt relief more than anything reading this book. Nowadays of course our language is machine-gunned through with phrases such as gaslighting, ghosting, and narcissism but when we were kids growing up in the 1970's you didn't have the benefit of such descriptions; you were 'just' expected to deal with it and only in adult life would you find out you'd been traumatised and confused and now probably depressed and socially anxious. Thanks mum. If you had an attention seeking drama queen for a mother then the wounds will run deep but they do heal in part because of writers like Ariel Leve who are brave enough to share their story.I

I also loved how this book was presented with a rough finish to the edges of the pages.
Helpful
 Report
Amazon Customer
3.0 out of 5 stars Could have been better edited and she is possibly still too raw to ...
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 15 November 2016
Verified Purchase
Could have been better edited and she is possibly still too raw to have written this book. Would have been better if she'd waited a few years.
One person found this helpful
Helpful
 Report
AaronLDN
5.0 out of 5 stars Wonderful story and amazing book
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 6 January 2024
This book was the start of my journey into understanding parental gaslighting and how to recover from C-PTSD. Thank you for sharing your story.
Helpful
 Report
Tara Flynn
4.0 out of 5 stars There is much that is powerful and informative in this ...
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 29 September 2016
Verified Purchase
There is much that is powerful and informative in this memoir, but ultimately, I didn't quite believe in it. The frame of her contemporary life seemed just a little too neat and sewn up to be true. I hope I am wrong.
2 people found this helpful
Helpful
 Report
Harrison Leaf
5.0 out of 5 stars A brave and hopeful tale
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 19 May 2018
Verified Purchase
Beautifully written - an extraordinary memoir & full of hope that we do not have to be the product ultimately of our experiences. Childhood traumas are deeply ingrained as they are woven within the foundations of ourselves, but with time,love and skillful assistance we do not have to continue to live that life .We can and we are allowed to live a happy, peaceful & loving life. We are allowed to say no more to those people who have done and do us harm even if those people are our mothers,even when those people are unable to acknowledge the harm they cause.
7 people found this helpful
Helpful
 Report
Jane Smith
5.0 out of 5 stars Beautiful and harrowing, all at once.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 8 August 2016
Verified Purchase
This is a beautifully-written account of a childhood--and adult life--lived with an abusive, self-centred parent. It's harrowing and horrific and shocking, but is nevertheless a gripping, absorbing read.

Leve tells her story without self-pity or blame. She's a fine writer, and I was glad to read that her life is a little more bearable now. A wonderful book. And I loved the deckle edges, too!
5 people found this helpful
Helpful
 Report

Top reviews from other countries

Translate all reviews to English
Heloisa Martins Costa
1.0 out of 5 stars Que livro chato
Reviewed in Brazil on 2 June 2019
Verified Purchase
A descrição que a autora faz da sua mãe dá a impressão de que a mãe é muito doente. Ao chegar à idade adulta ela (autora) deveria ter entendido isso. Repetitivo, fiz um grande esforço para ler até o fim. Uma mulher sofisticada vai morar com um homem simples, que praticamente não diz uma palavra e que, por essa característica, é considerado muito sábio. Muitos clichês, muito cansativo.
Report
Sophie
5.0 out of 5 stars Loved this book! It glimps in the life of a survivor!
Reviewed in Canada on 27 July 2018
Verified Purchase
Loved this book! I read it in 2 days and was sad when it ended! A glimps in in the life of a survivor!
Report
Isabell Salesny
5.0 out of 5 stars Interesting read
Reviewed in Germany on 23 November 2017
Verified Purchase
Interesting read, I wish there was more about the father's opinion on the mother. As mentioned in other reviews the problem seems a borderline disorder and chronic repetitive behaviour. I don't see Rita as a supportive person, but as a woman who cannot accept the end of a brief relationship which she trys to keep up through the child of the ex-partner, writing letters to him constantly. An intrusive behaviour, a persecution, a behaviour similar to the mother's. I wonder why the psychologist didn't point this out and why she recommended not to tell the mother about the daughter's new whereabouts. Distance is best, and of course, the mother will phone and be at the door, but sooner or later she will give up. It seems useless to call the mother regularly to tell her that she will not be given the new address. Why exposure oneself to a situation where nothing can be explained?
Report
AmazonCustomer
5.0 out of 5 stars Dazzling and so validating -- "To hide is to exist."
Reviewed in the United States on 4 April 2017
Verified Purchase
I found this book while reading an article Ms. Leve wrote in the Guardian UK about Trump and "gas lighting." From there, it led me to her other articles, then an interview and then this book, which I found fully relatable and dazzling. It's a retelling which bounces at times from event to event or time to time but for those of us who suffered the way she did with unpredictable parents and an unreliable lifestyle, it's sometimes the only way we can tell stories. Sometimes logic is out of our grasp as not much is trustable. How she stitched this all together was a feat, I know it. Her style is elegantly simple and despite the seeming bouncing about, it all makes sense.

I want to thank Ms. Leve, Emily, Rita, Josephine and even Suzanne, for creating a climate where this story could be told. I grew up in a world not unlike Ms. Leve's; I believe the only thing that stopped us from going full-on more abuse / neglect was because my mother and father lacked the funds.

Reading this book helped me heal, it validated my "brain" issues, my trust issues, and my need to further investigate my story and also to let it all go. Like Ms. Leve, I had years of traditional psychotherapy and CBT but only found true release and freedom from a sense of guilt of not wanting to be anywhere near my parents through EMDR therapy. My mother was an active alcoholic, depressive, borderline, substance-abusing genius artist too. It's hard to be the daughter of someone who doesn't want to be a mother, but wants only the attention / need a mother is entitled to experience; the narcissistic extension / duty from an abusive parent on the developing child is an UNBEARABLE encumbrance. My father was also a narcissist who simply couldn't be bothered with anything that detracted attention away from his narrative. As long as the water flowed, the heat worked, the phones rang and power was on at his office, he didn't care if it wasn't on at home... he was never there. To some extent, I really resent Ms. Leve's father -- to say they were outgunned, is a cop-out. He didn't do what he could to help her... he ran away. He moved to Thailand. Leaving her to fend for herself against her dragon-mother. She romanticizes her father much like I did (he's the devil you know) until I realized what a coward he was and is. My mother was a trophy to him and he to her.

"To hide is to exist": Ms. Leve's stories remind me of my continued struggles with trust and the unsettling and familiar feeling of unreliability and instability in life and the yearning to love a mother who simply wouldn't and didn't want to be captured.

Her Mario is a lot like my husband and we are lucky to have such grounding people in our lives. I had a person like Rita and several aunts who helped raise me but never advocated for me in a meaningful way, so while I turned out OK (Ms. Leve and I are a year apart, so we grew up in the same crazy 70s/80s era surrounded by "adult" randomness, and I felt like I was with her in her room asking her mother's guests to get out) it's not without some damage. I like that the Harvard physician said the brains like ours are "altered," not "damaged." Reading that was drawing from a glass of cool water.

My mother would wear diaphanous clothing around my friends; she read to my English classes in high school; my friends thought she was so cool and liberated... all I wanted was a proper bedtime and a family dinner. Ms. Leve invites us to her world and without apology or brashness, simply tells it like it was.

One of the things that I have struggled with over the years, as I have yearned to share my story as well, is that it would seem incredulous. That these stories don't happen to educated, wealthy, connected families, especially white ones. I had a lot of privilege growing up, and like Ms. Leve danced around the idea of sharing my story as fiction, but to me, that just removes me from my liberation and my authenticity. I want to thank her for stopping her dance and for stepping her toe into the water and sharing her story. I feel like we are "sisters" so to speak. I get it.

Ms. Leve paints a real and relatable world where those of us who were caught up in the tumult of mentally ill parents can feel validated.
Report
Vix
5.0 out of 5 stars Changed my understanding of my own life
Reviewed in Australia on 8 September 2018
Verified Purchase
A brave book.
Report