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Size: Large|Colour: Matt Black|Change
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on 25 July 2011
I love to look good on my bad-boy Matt-black Harley.D motorcycle so the right biker garm's are very important to me, essential in fact. Also, I'm of the opinion that people need to be able to see your face to acknowledge a good look (especially if your an extra-pretty man like me!) which is why an open faced helmet is a must have for any biker aiming for the coolness elite. Also, its worth pointing out that Full-faced lids just don't work for a fully vain biker because as far as any onlookers are concerned, behind the visor could be any old mirror crackin' boat-race and the vast majority of potential admirers ain't gonna take the risk of being shocked into the eye pain of shame-ville by making a move on an unexpected 'emergency-exit' encounter. So, as I said before, an open faced helmet is a must have for any biker aiming for the coolness status of chick drool. (North and South)

Personally, I'd say there is no cooler look than a black open face lid, black sunglasses and a bandanna or Shemagh stopping you from eating flies. (It's an instant shameful exit out of cool-ville if an admiring female spots a dead fly on one of your teeth. Warning: Theres no way back from this dude!)

However, unfortunately in the UK, we have a slight problem! Its actually illegal to look too good as I found out after purchasing the 'Viper Rs-04 Open Face Helmet Matt Black Size M (57-58 Cm) UK/EU Legal' In the UK its against the law to wear any super cool 'pudding bowl' 'beanie' lids so the open face lid is the nearest to this. Filled with the anticipation and excitement of reaching pure coolness I opened the box containing my UK/EU legal open face viper lid and with a sudden heart sinking sigh of hot air leaving my lungs I realised its gonna be impossible to reach the pinnacle of cooldom when the lid has SO MUCH padding on the inside. At least 2-3 inches of face squeezing protection that would make even the most safety paranoid bud feel snug and safe. Anyone who isn't sure about the heights of coolness, the concepts of safety and protection fly in the face of all matters relating cool excellence.

With my gut twisting and tensing trying to force up all my stomach acids as a disapproving response to the wasted anticipation I'd endured waiting for my ticket to cool-ville to arrive, I reluctantly pulled the lid over my nut on the off chance my initial reaction was flawed but the fact that both of my cheeks stuck out further than my nose told me all I needed to know. I was slipping back into a re-lapse of dorkness and geekhood.

What I done next I just can't explain with any logical or rational reasoning as it is so out of character for me... Let me explain, If ever there is a time when for whatever reason my own self-esteem may be at risk or seriously affected after observing myself at any particular unflatering moment, I'd usually avoid all mirrors and reflections like the plague until I was confident I'm was going to fancy myself again. Anyway, against all my natural instincts I suddenly looked up at my mirrored celling and saw a monstrosity staring back at me. My head looked like it was stuck inside a hot air balloon or rather the whole reflection of me wearing this ego assassinating viper open face helmet looked like a three year old wearing an adult crash helmet and to make matters worse, in the center of this reflection was my face that looked like that time I got my head stuck between the window bars when I tried to escape from that horrible facility a few years ago. When they showed me that CCTV footage it haunted me for years and ended up setting me release back for even longer. But there it was, that face, staring back at me again! It was like it was mocking me, telling me 'ha ha ha your quest to find cool-avenue just got longer.' With that final thought I grabbed at the Alien head probing my consciousness and started to wrestle with it, tugging with all my might and semi-pleased I hadn't fastened the chin straps and witnessed the gurning expression this attachment feature would have undoubtedly created on the lower half of my boat-race. The only saving grace of this whole shocking and highly disturbing psycological incident was the micro-second glance I got of my face as I had almost pulled the monstrosity off my head, for a tiny split second while tugging it off at the very moment when it felt like me ears were being torn off my head and my unshaven stubble felt like Velcro, I noticed what I would look like if I opted to have a face-lift and I instantly liked what I saw. Wow..I looked hot in that moment. It was like walking through the exit door in hell and stickin your middle finger up at Satan himself as he begs you to stay a little longer and finish trimming his toenails with your teeth. (TBH I don't want to seem as though I'm being totally unfair so I guess its only right that I should also point out the ONE very small plus point for this helmet... The fact is, when you put it on it will instantly clear your whole face of any white or black head spots you've got. Although, to be honest, it'll end up costing you a fortune in broken mirrors with all the puss hitting them at lightening speed. So with this in mind I guess it does have some cosmetic merits that need to be considered.)

To sum up:
So, as you can see, I'd didn't feel particularly attached to this Viper open-SCRUNCH-face helmet. I didn't bother returning the soul destroying alien head as I didn't want to be responsible for someone else be pointed at and laughed at. My parting advice to anyone looking for a decent stepping stone into the cool-brigade is to avoid any lids that need to be put on AFTER you've walked through your front door and lids that require you to pay attention to the height of any bridges your passing under. Mark my words, the NASA astronaut look only works when your sitting in a spaceship or walking on the moon. Talking of the moon, if anyone See's someone approaching while wearing one of these lids, don't worry or panic, its not a real solar eclipse, its just some nerd nut who has lost all their hunger for cool. If you get close enough it might be an idea to shout 'FIX UP' or 'Get back to Cool-School... fool!' but be careful because that dude is bound to be a bit seriously disturbed and you really don't want to get in a fight with him because his scrunched up face is so tight you'll end up breaking your fist if you punch it.

Overall and after careful consideration I'd have to give the 'Viper Rs-04 Open Face Helmet Matt Black Size M (57-58 Cm)' a score of average with a definite room for slight improvement. Its best suited for someone who likes to be called chubby or chuck.

My recommended product to accompany this purchase would be a straw and a food blender because you won't be able to eat without these essentials which I personally believe should come as a bundle package along with a government health warning certificate and warning of serious uncoolness for the people not educated in coolmanship.

If you enjoyed my review let me know and I'll write some more in order to train the numb-faced scrunched-up ones among us.

Peace out and remember to always strive for the cool and not the fool.
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