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The Verbally Abusive Man - Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go Kindle Edition
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What LH (previous reviewer) says isn't really fair: Evans isn't out to accuse all men of being abusers, and she doesn't say that it's only men who are abusers. It's just that she works with more female victims than male victims, so that's the angle she comes from.
Her books have finally made sense of what's been happening to me. I couldn't understand why I gave so much but just got abuse back; why I always picked abusers; why I am always being criticised and I can do nothing right.
So to the title ~ can he change? The answer, in a nutshell, is probably not. There is hope, that is if he (or she) recognises what abuse has occurred, why it happens, and if the abuser makes serious efforts at rehabilitation.
I was hoping for concrete ways to deal with the abuse (I'm not in a situation where I can leave), but all that's really suggested is to say "what?" when the abuse starts, or to point a video camera at the perpetrator as they are dishing out the verbals (I can't see that going down well).
The author's previous books are, imo, better, esp. The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Survivors Speak Out.
But this one was different ...
Since I "discovered" / "woke up to" the word CONTROL I have been keen to try and understand my own particular situation, before I read anything - although I did look at clinical definitions of Aspergers / BPD & viewed Bullying info online ...
J is my (verbally abusive) second husband & it has been impossible to live with him - I am an intelligent professional and in a period of just over 4 years (12 years ago) I found I was barely able to talk / relate to the counsellors when we (myself & 2 sons) found ourselves in the Refuge (and it was MY HOME he had forced us from), I was so unbelievably confused having assimilated a lot of the "irrational" from him.
Yet I still care about him & I have kept seeing him & remaining friendly, fearful of divorce (which is happening now our son is 16) I knew there was something terribly wrong in him (but it was mostly only around me!) but I have learnt that in the end only HE can help himself - but with this book (1) I am allowing myself to acknowledge how much damage has been done to me; PLUS (2) I may be able to find "closure" by following Patricia Evans' suggestions - ie. "The Agreement" ... J, highly intelligent, well-read, has always been in denial & dismisses "psychobabble", so I think it highly unlikely he will "wake up", but he may ...
I can't know if this book will help people UNDERSTAND what it's like to be abused, for those who haven't experienced abuse - as it is far too REAL to me, but it does show people that there may be a REASON for it in the man's arrested emotional dvelopment due to a traumatic childhood - yes, the cycle of abuse.
If I can do just one thing in my life - help my sons fully to connect with their emotional side - that's all I want.
And this book will help.
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himself in his partner threfore expects same insight and...Read more