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The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go Paperback – 1 Oct 2006

3.9 out of 5 stars 8 customer reviews

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  • The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go
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  • The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond
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  • Controlling People: How To Recognize, Understand, And Deal With People Who Try To Control You
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Product details

  • Paperback: 288 pages
  • Publisher: Adams Media; 2 edition (1 Oct. 2006)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1593376537
  • ISBN-13: 978-1593376536
  • Product Dimensions: 14 x 2 x 21.4 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 464,234 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Product Description

About the Author

Patricia Evans (Alamo, CA) is the bestselling author of four books and a highly acclaimed interpersonal communications specialist, public speaker and consultant. She's appeared on Oprah, CNN, national radio and in Newsweek and O, The Oprah Magazine.


Customer Reviews

3.9 out of 5 stars
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Top Customer Reviews

Format: Paperback
I spent the weekend reading 4 books - this was the last one (I thought it might be the least interesting / repeat stuff I'd already read). How wrong! - I cannot begin to put into words HOW I FELT on reading this amazing book ... ALL the books helped in different ways (about the nature of Charming & Abusive Men - authors: Lundy Bancroft, Sandra Horley, Ann Jones) with the various influences (male dominance, religion, belief systems) & character types

But this one was different ...

Since I "discovered" / "woke up to" the word CONTROL I have been keen to try and understand my own particular situation, before I read anything - although I did look at clinical definitions of Aspergers / BPD & viewed Bullying info online ...

J is my (verbally abusive) second husband & it has been impossible to live with him - I am an intelligent professional and in a period of just over 4 years (12 years ago) I found I was barely able to talk / relate to the counsellors when we (myself & 2 sons) found ourselves in the Refuge (and it was MY HOME he had forced us from), I was so unbelievably confused having assimilated a lot of the "irrational" from him.

Yet I still care about him & I have kept seeing him & remaining friendly, fearful of divorce (which is happening now our son is 16) I knew there was something terribly wrong in him (but it was mostly only around me!) but I have learnt that in the end only HE can help himself - but with this book (1) I am allowing myself to acknowledge how much damage has been done to me; PLUS (2) I may be able to find "closure" by following Patricia Evans' suggestions - ie. "The Agreement" ... J, highly intelligent, well-read, has always been in denial & dismisses "psychobabble", so I think it highly unlikely he will "wake up", but he may ...
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Format: Paperback
Communication specialist Patricia Evans explores the issue of verbal abuse in heterosexual relationships. She builds on her previous work in The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Controlling People by posing the question, "Can a verbally abusive man really change?" What is particularly startling about verbal abuse, Evans explains, is that in almost every case the abuser feels that he is the one being attacked. (Rarely, abusers are female, but such cases aren't discussed in this book.) Getting him to own up to his damaging behavior is not easy. Motivating him to change is even more difficult. Evans supplies tools you can use to determine if your partner is likely to change and a program that can help him do so, if you think he can alter his abusive behavior. Evans uses her book as a pulpit to preach against unqualified therapists, verbal abuse in all its forms and the male-dominated society that has made such abuse possible. But, her cause is just, and we recommend this important resource to anyone who is struggling to survive an abusive relationship and to therapists who are seeking solid information.
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This book is a must read for women who are the victims of verbal mental and emotional abuse. Men who seek out their victims choose very carefully and usually it is a woman who is very loving, very giving, often but not always, has low self confidence and self esteem and puts others needs before her own. The world is changing and men are going to have to rethink their strategy of control or be controlled. It is far better to work together in life and not against and this especially applies to the opposite sexes - male and female. In France a man was recently convicted and thrown into prison for verbal mental and emotional abuse on his partner. These laws should apply in the UK but they do not. We still live in a world in the United Kingdom whereby children and women are severely abused and the legal system turns a blind eye to. Simple - the legal system in the United Kingdom needs to be overhauled and the victims compensated as there is absolutely NO justification for ABUSE whether it be mind rape, physical rape, emotional rape or verbal rape it is still RAPE which should be against the law and protect the victims and not the abusers!
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Format: Paperback
I'm familiar with the author's works now, so I understand her concepts: Reality 1 (his) and Reality 2 (his victim's); The Dream Woman (which is the role the abuser creates for his partner, because he can't accept her as a real, talking thinking woman. When she does, he finds this unacceptable and so he verbally (or physically) abuses her. Some might find the concepts hard to grasp ~ I'd recommend her earlier books first.
What LH (previous reviewer) says isn't really fair: Evans isn't out to accuse all men of being abusers, and she doesn't say that it's only men who are abusers. It's just that she works with more female victims than male victims, so that's the angle she comes from.

Her books have finally made sense of what's been happening to me. I couldn't understand why I gave so much but just got abuse back; why I always picked abusers; why I am always being criticised and I can do nothing right.

So to the title ~ can he change? The answer, in a nutshell, is probably not. There is hope, that is if he (or she) recognises what abuse has occurred, why it happens, and if the abuser makes serious efforts at rehabilitation.

I was hoping for concrete ways to deal with the abuse (I'm not in a situation where I can leave), but all that's really suggested is to say "what?" when the abuse starts, or to point a video camera at the perpetrator as they are dishing out the verbals (I can't see that going down well).

The author's previous books are, imo, better, esp. The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Survivors Speak Out.
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