The Triumph of Hope Paperback – 22 Feb 2006

This big (380-page), satisfying book is subtitled "a semi-fictional autobiography." Added to this partial-disclaimer is another one: "This book is not pornography." If "pornography" means stereotyped descriptions of sex, it certainly is not. The reason for the "semi-fictional" nature of the narrative becomes clear as one reads chapter after chapter (sixty altogether!). The book is not a tell-all confession, but it reveals patterns in a life which looks real enough.

"Amelia May Kingston" is the pen name of a British writer and counselling psychologist who has coped with disability, repeated betrayal by men, a lack of emotional support from her working-class family, her elderly mother's descent into senility, and the incomprehension of friends and associates when she set out to explore BDSM in middle age. This wandering river of a book starts out with deceptive simplicity and carries the reader along to a triumphant conclusion. It is eccentric, ambitious and enchanting. It is one of a kind.

This book is part memoir, part speculation about family history and about traumatic experiences, partly an introduction to the BDSM scene for curious outsiders, and partly a series of warm conversations between Hope, the central character, and two female friends, Joanna and Irina, who serve as sounding-boards and represent other viewpoints. In some chapters, Hope is described in the third person, while in others she is clearly the storyteller. Somehow it all works, and the whole work comes across as greater than the sum of its parts. This book is not to be gulped down at one sitting. It rewards patience.

The several-times-divorced Hope repeatedly asks herself whether she is a fool to believe in anything that other people (usually men) tell her, and whether there is anything real about the perceptions of a woman in love with a man. Like Pandora in the ancient Greek myth, she comes to value hope itself as a reason to keep going.

As an overweight (by current standards of female beauty), health-challenged single professional woman approaching the age of sixty whose heterosexual orientation seems unchangeable, the current Hope (as distinct from her younger selves) realistically considers her options. She is painfully aware that most of the people she knows expect her simply to retire her sexual feelings or submerge them in a grandmotherly desire to nurture others.

She considers the very small odds that she will find a healthy, attractive, mature male lover who is attentive to her needs. Despite the advice of her friends, Hope decides that finding a lover is too important to leave to chance, and that cyberspace offers a greater selection than her circle of friends, relatives, colleagues and clients.

Hope discusses "pornography" with her friend Joanna after surfing the `net. Hope explains:

"I was looking up `butterflies' on the net and found myself on a site called `Tortured Butterflies' with pictures of naked women being pierced, bound and beaten. I was shocked and disgusted. . . But I could not get it out of my head, and that worried me not a little.

"Recently I took on a couple of cases which entail a lot more research. Obviously I can hardly call myself a psycho-sexual counselor when I am ignoring the fast-growing new field of cyber-sex. Not only the new attitudes it fosters, but the deviations that are becoming accepted as normal worry me, not to mention the ones even further out that are so far shared by only a small percentage of the population."

Hope confesses to Joanna that she has met the enemy (or the pervert) and it is her:

"But in the last few weeks I have been looking at the same sort of stuff and even worse, without rage, without pity and even with a frisson of sexual excitement at the thought of torturing an erect prick, or wearing painfully tight jewellery on my own clit and nipples."

Joanna calmly advises Hope not to "tell the vicar" about her new discoveries.

As a psychologist, Hope feels morally obliged to explore her feelings and the culture of those who look for kinky playmates. As she tells Irina: "I am beginning to realize that I had no idea of the reality of what some of my clients must have been experiencing, neither the traumatic nor the therapeutic aspects. Now I wonder how I could have been so blind."

She goes on: "There are men and women with great intelligence, creativity and responsibility who relax by giving themselves up into the control of a trusted other or who achieve satisfaction from the gift of trust given to them by a willing submissive."

Hope explains the need for BDSM mentors:

"When you look at the entire spectrum you can see how unskilled and ignorant would-be dominants can indulge in mental cruelty, mind-control and physical violence with partners who really have no concept of what is going on. So there is a recognized community of practitioners who try to train and warn newbies, exchanging information, knowledge and experience to keep them safe."

While Irina is afraid that Hope is "going too far," both women agree that the need for sex never goes away with age. Hope praises sex (especially kinky sex) as a rejuvenator:

"the cocktail of homemade chemicals my brain produces in response to the emotional and physical turmoil of anticipation, exploration, titillation, humiliation and the final selfless abandonment into no-body, no-place, no-time, no-boundaries, is the most potent energizer I have ever experienced . . . As a means of communication and shared adventure, sex is superlative."

Hope finds her first Dom on-line, and eventually learns to submit to others as well as to dominate. Like others on the same path, however, Hope experiences setbacks:

"They call it reactance: the rebellion, loathing and self-disgust that follows each step down the path."

Hope suffers when she realizes that her current Dom, who talks her through masturbation scenes in long-distance phone calls, cannot give her the kind of love she craves. She perseveres, however, and finds supportive friendships with others in the "scene." When her Multiple Sclerosis flares up, she uses visualization (practiced in BDSM scenes and written fantasies) to feel better. She remembers times when she has survived near-death experiences and when she has expected kindness from strangers who have lived up to her trust.

Hope's spirituality and her knowledge of plant-lore both blossom along with her sexual self-knowledge. She explains to Joanna (a Buddhist) that she believes in living in harmony with her natural environment. She goes to the woods to find a branch to make into a "triskele," or wand of power, and makes three. These objects lead her into "wonderful dialogues with other Pagans, Druids and Wiccans who also lived the BDSM lifestyle with their chosen partners in humility, joy and great contentment."

In due course, Hope finds a devoted male servant who takes care of her in practical ways and who values her guidance. In some sense, The Triumph of Hope is their real-life baby, published by their small press, Viscount Publishing.

"Amelia May Kingston" is unlikely to produce another book with exactly the same flavour as this one, but she is planning to write much more about her chosen lifestyle. On page 2, she explains:

"The subject of alternative sexuality will form the basis of my continuing studies for a research MSc and a Doctorate. I would be glad to contact any volunteers willing to take part anonymously in questionnaires, interviews etc. over the next few years. You can contact me through my free Self-Esteem web site at youareunique dot co dot uk"

So what are you waiting for? Even if the author's next project is not meant for public consumption, contributing to her never-ending journey of discovery would be worth the effort.