Narcissa Black, 50, was married to Blaise Zabini, 27, in a surprise ceremony this past Saturday. This is the second marriage for Ms. Black, formerly married to the late Mr. Lucius Malfoy. This is the fourth marriage for Mr. Zabini. Mr. Zabini was formerly married to Ravena Zonko, 65, heiress to the Zonko fortune, Millicent Devonshire, 73, matriarch of the Quidditch Quality Supplies Empire, and Byrony Applebaum, 84, CEO of Magical Necessities a multi-galleon a year company that encompasses gourmet food shoppes and apothecaries for all wizard communities in the British Isles. All of Mr. Zabini's previous spouses passed away unexpectedly within a few months of marriage. Mr.Zabini is still in legal negotiations with the families of his previous wives over the assets and monies left to him in each of his wives' wills. There have been some accusations from Mr. Zabini's previous in-laws over the manner of the death of his previous wives, and some not so subtle accusations of foul play, which Mr. Zabini vehemently denies. He is quoted as saying "I loved all of my wives very much and would NEVER do anything to harm them." The new Mrs. Zabini, CEO of Magical Intimacies Empire, has stated "Blaise is the most loving and generous of wizards, and I know we will be VERY happy together, besides his wand is AMAZING". Mrs. Zabini's son, Mr. Draco Malfoy had this to say, "EWWWW he is my age, and did she have to make that comment about his wand??." "I think I am going to go be sick now." We at the Magical Inquisitor wish the newlyweds the best of luck. It appears they will need it.
Xeno Lovegood announces his retirement after many years' work in investigative reporting. Reportedly the widowed Lovegood has decided to pursue some leisure activities. I, Luna Lovegood, will be carrying on the tradition of seeking truth. It's out there, you know.
The Magical Inquisitor:
A divorce scandal rocked the wizarding community yesterday. Blaise Zabini has filed for divorce from his bride of 3 weeks, Narcissa Black Malfoy Zabini, citing adultery as the cause. Allegedly, Mrs. Zabini had been discovered in flagrante delicto with none other than the former publisher of the Quibbler, Xeno Lovegood. "I've always admired dear Xeniepoo's fashion sense," purred Narcissa in an interview. "He will bring SO much to my little business." Mr. Zabini will be seeking damages amounting to 55% of the gross earnings of Magical Intimacies, Inc. Mr. Draco Malfoy and partner Mr. G. Lockhart have expressed relief that Draco's mother has "finally found someone closer to her own age, even if he's a cracked old git." We are sure that readers will be following this story closely, so details will be published as soon as they are made available.
I love what Molly's done with the kitchen! The gnomes are pesky during picnics, but usually a good fling over the hedge shuts them up. The food's great, too! Finally got Artie to believe the plane's gone back to America! LOL I imagine the ocean breezes are very relaxing. Tell you what, I'll help you navigate your place if you teach me some nice meditation tchniques for workplace stress! heehee! Say hello to Fleur and Bill for me!
I will tell Bill and Fleur you said hello. They are wonderful hosts. They are discussing having a family picnic at the cottage soon, so I am sure I will see you, Molly and Artie as well as the rest of the Potter-Weasley clan. You do realize that with the vocosilence charm, we are pretty much being given carte blanche to behave as we want, with no nasty repercussions from the group(s)at home.....Tee Hee...
We have been notified that a new calendar for charity will be released in time for the holidays. This a calendar that will assist with the building of the Sybil Trelawny Center for Magical Addictions at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. The sponsors of this calendar decided that due to the success of the Naked Quidditch Calendar of a few years ago, they would try to replicate the success of that previous calendar. The Sybil Trelawny Center for Magical Addictions is desperately needed, especially for our pro Quidditch players. The sponsors have advised that the calendar will be very similar to the above mentioned calendar. The calendar will consist of tasteful nude pictures of the following witches and wizards for everyone's enjoyment. The months and participants are listed as follows:
January- Albus Dumbledore February- Dolores Umbridge March- Argus Filch April- Augusta Longbottom May- Rubeus Hagrid June- Olympe Maxime July- Igor Karkaroff August- Alastor Moody September- Irma Pince October - Severus Snape November-Ronda Hooch December- Cornelius Fudge
The calendars may be purchased at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, Zonko's or by special owl post sent to Weasley Gred and Forge Enterprises. Dig deep my charitable brethren and make this dream a reality.
An unnamed source at the M.O.M. Magical Law Department, Last Will and Testament Division, has released to our editor an explosive diary that belonged to the late Dolores Umbridge. The diary contains many shocking secrets about many of our most illustrious witches and wizards. We will be releasing the secrets one at a time over a period of the next few months so be ready to be SHOCKED!!! The first secret that will be revealed from the pink diary with gamboling kittens on the cover, is.......
CORNELIUS FUDGE AND DOLORES UMBRIDGE'S LOVE CHILD!!! According to Ms. Umbridge's diary the year was 1968, and she was an intern at the M.O.M. in the Department of Transportation. Her supervisor was a young brash up and coming wizard named, Cornelius Fudge. One thing led to another and they had a Summer of Love. Unfortunately it appears neither of them were very good at potions, and the contraception potion they brewed was defective. Ms. Umbridge discovered to her chagrin that she was preggers. Since Mr. Fudge was married with two children, this was a bit awkward to say the least. They discussed the situation and since neither wanted to cause a scandal or more importantly impede their progress up the M.O.M. ladder, they hatched a daring plan. Ms. Umbridge cast a Disilusionment charm to conceal her pregnancy and then in her seventh month went on an extended trip to visit cousins in America. She stayed with her Squib cousin Mary Warner, and her husband, Hugo. Since the couple was childless they gladly adopted the baby boy that was born. Ms. Umbridge came back to the U.K. and proceeded to continue with her life and was able to ride Cornelius Fudge's coattails up to the very top of power at the M.O.M. What happended to the child?? Well our intrepid reporters have managed to answer that question. They were able to track him down and he is none other than Goth Rock Singer, Marilyn Manson!!!! Yes dear reader this is what happens when children of witches and wizards are abandoned into the Muggle world.
Expulsion from Hogwarts came as no suprise to several seventh-year Slytherins after their arrests by Muggle 'policemen' following a drugs sting operation. The students were growing poppies and coca plants in the Forbidden Forest in a enchanted greenhouse. Due to their minor status,the names cannot be released. R. Hagrid, Hogwarts gamekeeper and teacher, was questioned by the Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw Heads of house. Apparently the students had placed the enchantments while R. Hagrid was abroad "on Hogwarts business." No Ministry charges will be filed against Professor Hagrid. The Ministry has, however, levied a fine against Professor S. Snape for his inaction as he is Slytherin's Head. Professor Snape also claims no knowledge of the students illegal activities. Ministry Obliviators have eliminated the Muggle police involvement, but the Wizengamot is proceeding with hearings against the students. One issue raised is the location of the students' confinement as they are minors, and no Muggle deaths resulted. The Hogwarts Headmaster has undertaken the questioning of all remaining Slytherin students amidst outcry from the parents. "Muggles must not be harmed by the wizarding community, no matter the age of the wizard or witch," said Albus Dumbledore. The results of the hearings will be made available when completed.
A large number of books called Barry Trotter and the Rugby Team, were being printed. This bestseller, sold over 8000 copies in its first week and has now been out for 5 weeks and has sold 60'000 copies. When the books were on their way to the shops, a deranged house elf ate them. The house elfs name is Dobby and he used to belong to the Malfoy family. Dobby said,'' I ate them because they are making a joke out of Harry Potter and they make his story sound funny, even though he was so brave, and I will eat more, if I have to''. Dobby has recently been sued by the publishers and he will be put on trial tomorrow evening, we'll give you updates on this, when they occur.
Good one Jimminy , Ashley , Rachel. Like having updates to look foreward to. Have you just become a Granny, Rachel?... if so congratulations.
Magic Sports Post 2nd May 2004
Firebolt Circumnavigation -- Crowds Arrive to See Start
Hundreds of members of the wizarding community portkeyed into the start site yesterday morning for the start of what is likely to be a very strenuous race. An area of Salisbury Plain usually used for army tank training had been set up under wards. The army chiefs were informed that practice was to be stopped for the day as the local ornithology group needed to assess the progress of nesting among the newly reintroduced Gt. Bustards.(as there was only 20 pairs, & they can`t fly, this wasn`t going to take long ) Mr. Kingsley Shacklebolt had invited the Prime Minister to start the race, & the 3 muggle trainers were also invited. All the muggles were astonished at the size of the crowd, Ms. Abney & Ms. Cloninger told me they were happy to recognise & be introduced to poeple they had read so much about but hadn`t yet seen. The prime minister was totally gobsmacked at seeing a number of the back benchers along with his minister of agriculture, Bob Bones, & his foreign secretary, Alistair McGonagall, present. Start was due for 11.00 am G.M.T. & duly at 10.30 the checked & weighed brooms were laid at the start position along with the satellite navigation instruments which had been checked out the previous day. Support teams carried out final checks on equipment & supplies. These included small bivouac tent, sleepingbag, food & invisibility cloak. Fliers on the first leg were George Weasley, Dean Thomas, Ivan Levski, Charley Weasley, Liam Moran,& Adrian Pacey. All looked a trifle apprehensive, but the relaxation classes seem to have achieved their aim. Good wishes were given from the other team members & families. At precisely 11.00 o`clock the prime minister lifted the flag, "May the best team win & good luck to you all " was the prime ministers parting comment before dropping the starting flag. "See you in Chandrapur" added Kingsley Shacklebolt. The brooms took off & disappeared into the cloud layer. Mrs. Weasley wiped away a tear, 2 of her sons were on the 1st leg, & Mrs. Potter led her gently away to portkey to Chandrapur with the other support teams. E.T.A. for the brooms to reach the first stop over is 15.00 on 4th May, a total of 3 days 4 hours. 7 ,two hour eat/ sleep periods have been allowed for.
4th May 2004 Endurance Race Update No flier has reached Chandrapur at printing (a few hours ahead of E.T.A.) but a few strange reports have filtered through on the muggle internet over the last 3 days. In 3 locations in Europe an extensive impromptu firework display had taken place. An old fashioned yard broom had been observed hovering over the stadium where the European Cup match had been going on between Inter Milan & Real Madrid. A case of Jamesons Irish Whiskey has disappeared from a yacht in the Aegean. & An ancient Persian carpet has disappeared from a museum in Istanbul. !!!!!! Further reports later.
Priceless Mary-Ann... love it!!! Let me see George would be the source of the Fireworks, Dean would be the "invisible man" watching the European Cup, not sure who stole the whiskey,(whoever did will likely not make it to Chandrapur, but may make Siberia) and the only one I could think that would steal the carpet is Mundungus and he is not flying... :)
The Magical Inquisitor November 25th 2005
DOLORES UMBRIDGE NOT PURE BLOOD!!!
Secrets from Dolores Umbridge's Diary Part 2:
In our second of a series of explosive secrets from the diary of Dolores Umbridge we reveal the most shocking secret of all.... Dolores was a Half-blood, or as she liked to call people like herself, a Half-breed. We have found in her diary a Muggle Birth Certificate from Orlando, Florida, it shows that Ms. Umbridge was born the daughter of Esmerelda Carrow, witch, and Muggle Walter Disney. Yes dear readers, Ms. Umbridge was the illegitimate daughter of none other than the creator of the fake "Magical World". We can only ascertain by his potrayal of witches, that the realtionship between him and Ms. Carrow ended badly. At the age of 18 months, Ms. Umbridge was adopted by Zephyr Umbridge and spent the rest of her life avowing her Pure Blood heritage. She was the head of the Muggle Born Registration Office during the Second War, as well as a fervent force behind the oppression of rights for Centaurs, Werewolves, and any other species she considered inferior. Did her hypocrisy know no bounds???!!!
Great job Mary-Ann and Ashley! Poor Walt! If he only knew what his awful daughter would become! I am not a granny, but changed my profile as I googled myself and was dismayed to find my Amazon profile! Am trying for anonymity. Also Hi Gangsta Jimminy and Jemima! Mary-Ann-I'm borrowing from your series, please forgive me.
U.S. News and World Report:
It is unknown what caused international global navigation satellites to fail. SATNAV systems all powered down simutaneously last evening causing chaos in all air-traffic control systems. The United States President, the Prime Minister of Great Britain, and the French, German, And Russian leaders were conference via satellite link using the U.S. AWACS planes. Military satellites were not affected so terrorist interference is under investigation. Citizens of some European and Pan-Asian countries also reported various types of U.F.O. sitings. Investigations continue in this phenomenon.
Cheating discovered in the Endurance flight! Ms. Rachel Abney, the muggle who taught navigation classes states that the geosatellite positioning system has been disabled. This greatly reduces the ability of the competitors to accurately determine their position and speed. Ministry officials and sponsors are searching for the saboteurs as Muggle officials are also having a great deal of difficulty running day-to-day affairs. Dame Mary-Ann, Isle of Wight, has been consulted in this matter. "I believe the last Death-Eaters alive are responsible for this calamity. They do not want to see peace and harmony among the Wizarding or Muggle communities." Ashley B. Cloninger, a Muggle stress-relief and endurance expert, stated that "We must work together to ensure a continued balance in our lives as individuals and as a global neighborhood." We here at the Prophet ask that our readers aid in the discovery of these perpetrators. Please contact the Daily Prophet or the Ministry Law Enforcement Squad with any information.
We have received a report from Healer Susan Bones, head of the Elder Care ward at St.Mungo's Hospital For Magical Maladies and Injuries, that there has been a horrible trick played on the patients. It appears that an anonymous gift of honey filled chocolates was left for each patient. The problem is that the chocolates were not filled with honey. The chocolates were filled with a potency potion called Veelagra. This has caused quite a bit of a ruckus on the ward. Healers have been kept busy day and night rounding up patients from each other's rooms. One unnamed staffer stated "Bloody oldies with their bits hanging out all over the place, it is enough to turn you off your dinner." Healer Bones did advise that the patients have been much perkier and more alert than usual, she added " However we do not want to encourage this kind of prankster, someone could have been seriously injured." She advised that St. Mungo's will do a thorough investigation to try to determine the identity of the culprit. We will bring you more information as this situation unfolds.