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In reply to an earlier post on 6 Sep 2007 15:33:31 BDT
CBBC programing Guide

CBBC CANCELS TELETUBBIES REPLACES WITH NEW SHOW!!

Due to overwhelming complaints and pleas from parents, we at CBBC have decided to cancel the Teletubbies, it appears that child psychologists agree that the show has little educational value and seems to have a sinister hold over children. We at CBBC want our viewers to know that we have their best interests at heart. In the spirit of updating our programs to be more educational and less repetitive, we are pleased to announce a new children's program that is guaranteed to educate and stimulate the imagination of little ones everywhere. After an exhaustive search we have bought the rights to a wonderful show called "Magic for Muggles" the show takes place in a fascinating magical world, with amazing magical creatures, charms and potions. The best part of the show is the charismatic host, Lord Voldemort, he will keep your children Spellbound. So please join us in this new magical adventure on CBBC Saturday mornings @ 9:00.

Sincerely,
Head of CBBC programing

"Crap" thought Kingsley Shacklebolt after reading this article. "It doesn't take a genius to figure out who is under the Imperius Curse at CBBC".

In reply to an earlier post on 6 Sep 2007 17:21:34 BDT
Hayley says:
THE TIMES 6 July

FAMILY INSTITUTIONALISED AFTER MASS HALLUCINATIONS

The whole Rogers family were admitted to the St Angus Institution for the Rather Nuts yesterday suffering from shared hallucinations. The Rogers were holidaying in a castle rented out to them by the National Trust when they claim to have seen mad ghosts, talking portraits, a lake monster and 'a giant who was going on about how he'd misplaced his dragon egg'. It is believed that they may have accidentally ingested wild mushrooms with hallucinogenic properties. However, a source at the institution did state that 'it is extremely unusual for 6 people all to see the same imaginary things.' Our source does not believe that they will be discharged in the near future. The National Trust denies any knowledge of the property in question. This publication would like to take this opportunity to draw its readers' attention to the danger of eating wild mushrooms.

THE DAILY PROPHET 7 July

Investigations are still underway as to who rented out Hogwarts Castle as a holiday home to a family of Muggles. The Ministry are concerned that it may be an indication of a rise in Muggle-baiting as a past-time. However, this publication has heard confidentially that Mr Mundungus Fletcher is wanted for questioning in the matter. As a member of the Order of the Phoenix, it is unlkely that Mr Fletcher would partake in Muggle-baiting, but the motive may be more mundane than that: Mr Fletcher has recently come into gold for which he cannot give a satisfactory account and was spotted at an 'internet cafe', the 'internet' being a means by which Muggles communicate. The Prophet would like to thank Mr A Weasely for his assistance in explaining the 'internet'.

In reply to an earlier post on 6 Sep 2007 23:27:45 BDT
Last edited by the author on 6 Sep 2007 23:28:23 BDT
These are Great..... What say we publish a "Potter Press Cuttings Scrapbook"?? lol!!

In reply to an earlier post on 7 Sep 2007 13:41:44 BDT
New England Journal of Medicine:
Experts in dermatology are trying to discover the active ingredient in a vat of solution labeled 'bubotuber pus' that was delivered anonymously last month. It contained instructions for use against acne, and when tried with test subjects, cleared the skin most effectively. The original source has not been discovered.

Daily Prophet:
Professor Sprout possibly faces a fine and possible suspension from her position at Hogwarts. The Herbology instructor explained she was trying to share a remedy with the Salem Magical Institute in the United States, but the last owl in the relay was missing so the remaining owl, due to exhaustion, was unable to continue it's flight. This led to the discovery of the shipment of bubotuber pus by Muggle 'doctors'. these 'doctors' are performing experiments on the pus to discover its capabilities. Ministry Obliviators have been dispatched to the States to attempt a fix. Ministry counterparts in Massachusetts are also attempting to find a solution. "An article was published and everything, this will be a lot of work."
Headmaster Flitwick has expressed his staunch support of P. Sprout. "Owls do go missing, you know. No harm was intended in this venture."
Further updates will be made available when results are in.

In reply to an earlier post on 7 Sep 2007 14:57:55 BDT
Hayley, Rachel, excellent posts.... :)

The Daily Prophet January 15th 2006

GILDEROY LOCKHART SUED FOR PLAGIARISM!!!

Mega American Witch, Martha Stewart, has sued Gilderoy Lockhart for plagiarism and copyright infringement. The suit states that all of Mr. Lockhart's books and articles pertaining to Weddings, Cooking, Decorating, Flower Arranging and Housekeeping tips were taken word from word from her publications. The suit requests that all Mr. Lockhart's royalties from said publications be awarded to Ms. Stewart.
Ms.Stewart, head of the Coven of Evil Witches, US Chapter, is a force to be reckoned with. She has already served time in a Muggle prison for tax evasion, and the rumors about her mistreatment of house-elves is legendary.
Ms. Stewart has been quoted as saying, "If I find that little toad, Gilderoy Lockhart, I will hex him back to the stone age." We at the prophet would advise Mr. Lockhart that Ms. Stewart is definitley capable of completing this promise. We thank our lucky stars daily that she is the problem of the US Government of Magic, we send our sincere compliments to President Celine Dion for managing to control Ms. Stewart's more evil inclinations, although we are a bit bewildered as to how a Canadian was elected President in the first place.

In reply to an earlier post on 7 Sep 2007 16:33:00 BDT
Hayley says:
Oh my - Celine Dion as president! Not to get too political, but there are a lot of us in other countries who wonder how your current president got elected. :)

In reply to an earlier post on 7 Sep 2007 16:42:57 BDT
I wonder that myself, needless to say he did not get my vote.... Thank goodness he cannot run again.

In reply to an earlier post on 7 Sep 2007 20:02:25 BDT
I AM ME says:
Is it safe to insult him on the internet, he'll probably get the army after us.

In reply to an earlier post on 7 Sep 2007 20:06:23 BDT
from Star:
Chippendales, LOOK OUT! A new stripping sensation has burst(!) forth in the U.K. Platform 9 and 3/4 Boys are tearing it up and off at shows across the island. Headed by one Neville Longbottom,(surely a nom de plume), the Boys have proven to be drawing crowds of giggling females in the hottest nightspots. Security has had to increase at the downtown areas when the Boys will be performing.
Adding to the frenzy is the fact no one seems to know from where they sprang! Routine background checks produce no information. All fees are paid to a corporation: Mimbulous, Inc. The other performers are WeasleKing, Chosen Potter, Kid Finnegan, The DeansList, and twin sensations Greddy and the Forgester.
Ladies, save your pin money and fanciest knickers and keep track of the "About Town" papers for your chance to see "Platform 9 and 3/4 Boys" in a nightclub near you!

In reply to an earlier post on 7 Sep 2007 21:00:34 BDT
Rachel that is INSPIRED. Where can I get tickets??????... LOL

Jimminy, he could TRY to get the army after us, but we a bunch of "evil muggles" ..... :)

In reply to an earlier post on 8 Sep 2007 01:30:02 BDT
Last edited by the author on 8 Sep 2007 01:31:22 BDT
Witches Weekly

Classified Ads.
Narcissa Black Parties.
Keep your Wizard happy at home. Tittillating frilly undies, Suspender belts & black fishnets, Gossamer thin nighties in scintillating colours, Voluptuous silk creations for the larger witch. For parties of 7 & over the host will receive a choice gift.
Bookings taken by owl to Ms. Narcissa Black, 3, Spinners End Terrace, Milltown, Lancs.

Editorial comment: How the mighty are fallen!

In reply to an earlier post on 8 Sep 2007 03:21:14 BDT
National Enquirer:
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in custody battle! We don't want to move to England, say the twins. the alleged birth parents, one L. Malfoy and R. Skeeter, say that youth made them decide to give up their precious girls. The parents are eager to share the lives of the superstar twins. Enquirer staff were unable to ascertain any details about Malfoy and Skeeter when performing routine background checks. More mystery in the lives of the lovely Olsens. They remain in college at this time.
Daily Prophet:
Obliviators are working overtime in the case of Lucius Malfoy's and Rita Skeeter's illegitimate Squib twins. The case has been publicized in the U.S. which makes it more difficult to contain. Apparently the squibs are 'actresses'. Also, Malfoy and Skeeter are facing penalties from the Ministry due to the fact they are jeopardizing the Wizarding world's secrets.
Draco Malfoy, the Squibs' half-brother, refuses to comment on his expanded family. His mother attempted to hex all Prophet staff when requested for an interview. The Ministry will be levying fines in this matter, also.

In reply to an earlier post on 8 Sep 2007 06:46:38 BDT
Last edited by the author on 8 Sep 2007 07:36:29 BDT
It almost makes you feel sorry for the Malfoys..... ALMOST... LOL ....and in that vein....

The Daily Prophet September 25th 2008

Obituary Section

LUCIUS MALFOY DEAD, NAGGED TO DEATH MY MUGGLE WIFE

It is our sad duty to report the death of the patriarch of one of our oldest Pure Blood families. Mr. Malfoy, 51, was found dead at his country home on Saturday. The cause of death was at first undetermined, but after a body scan at St. Mungo's it appears Mr. Malfoy died of excessive nagging, the perpetrator is none other than his Muggle wife Claudia Schiffer. It appears that nothing Mr. Malfoy did could satisfy her, he showed extensive characteristics of a hen pecked husband. He weighed over 300 lbs, was completely bald, had a Muggle beer belly, and bowling trophies were found all over his house. He had never worked his entire life and after his loss of fortune and divorce from his first wife, Narcissa Black, he married a Muggle Supermodel so that he could continue his chosen career path. However his Muggle wife was not one to take his idleness sitting still and proceeded to nag Mr. Malfoy into the grave. Mr. Malfoy was found in his trophy room in his recliner with the Muggle TV remote in one hand and a beer can in the other.
When contacted, Ms. Narcissa Black, CEO of Magical Intimacies Empire, a mutil-galleon a year company that encompasses, lingerie, magical toys for consenting wizards and witches, and several adult periodicals, had this to say."Well Lucius always did have a small mind and an even smaller wand."
Quite the epitaph.

In reply to an earlier post on 8 Sep 2007 14:06:55 BDT
I AM ME says:
SNAIL BEING HELD HOSTAGE

A few minutes ago a man ( wizard ) decided to keep a snail hostage and is threatening to kill it with salt, he says he got the idea from a Harry Potter internet forum called Dont Kill Snails With Salt. Nobody can prove that such a forum exists. The snail has now retreated into his shell, with the hope that the wizard will find it more difficult to get the salt through his shell. When Albus Severus Potter ( the wizard ) was asked why he wasn't just standing on the snail to kill him, he replied '' it's more fun this way''. Policemen are surrounding the area but are afraid to approach and they are warning people not to come near here and to leave it to the authorities to stop Albus. Some people have decided to offer him money to leave the snail alone, but he can't be persuaded.

In reply to an earlier post on 8 Sep 2007 18:32:15 BDT
Oh My Gosh! I fell off my chair-and landed on the dog! hahahaha! too funny!
Witch Weekly:
The Holyhead Harpies will be playing in a charity match for the St. Mungo's Memory-Modification Unit. Due to the influx of Muggle women, qualified witches and wizards have been working over-time.
Ginny Potter, captain of the Harpies, was heard to say: "My brother, Ron plays for the Cannons. We've picked them as our "worthy" opponents. If he knows what's good for him, he'd best bring his game."
Mr. Weasley issued this reply: "Bring it on, little sister! This won't be the fly-in you are used to! St. Mungo's patched up our dad a few years ago, now it's our turn to pay it back."
Harry Potter, Ginny's husband and friend of Ronald, was quoted: "Ginny and Ron are just relishing the chance to out-fly each other AGAIN! YOu should see the family reunions. However, St. Mungo's needs the Galleons, and the Malfoy family who've really caused the problems are no where to be found when the fundraisers are on. You'd think Narcissa's little business could kick in a bit. But anyhow, it's up to the Order of the Phoenix-AGAIN!"
The match will be played Saturday next outside Ottery-St-Catchpole. Please contact the Ministry if portkeys are needed. Apparition points will be announced in the Daily Prophet on Tuesday. Please be generous.

In reply to an earlier post on 8 Sep 2007 19:01:55 BDT
Thanks Rachel, I hope the dog is okay... LOL

In reply to an earlier post on 8 Sep 2007 23:59:48 BDT
Last edited by the author on 17 Sep 2007 19:52:29 BDT
Let's continue to torture the Malfoy's shall we????

Good Witchkeeping May 2006

Gilderoy Lockhart and Life Partner, Draco Malfoy, open Catering and Home Decorating Business
by Rita Skeeter

Due to the loss of all royalties related to his Magical Home care books, to Mega Witch Martha Stewart, everybody's favorite wizard with the charming smile, has decided to branch out into a delightful new business. With the love and support of his Life Partner, Draco Malfoy, Mr. Lockhart has opened a delightful shop to assist the fashionable witch or wizard with the mundane chores of home decorating and party giving. Mr Lockhart takes his years of experience to new heights as can be seen when you enter his enchanting shop with Faeries and Cornish Pixies flying bewitchingly around. The walls are covered in signed pictures of Mr. Lockhart and his Life Partner, the devastatingly handsome, Draco Malfoy. The shop is filled with delightful furniture and knickknacks for the Witch or Wizard with discerning tasts. The presentation plates of Mr. Lockhart and Mr. Malfoy's binding ceremony are just magnificent. All pictures and presentation plates can of course be purchased, as our intrepid businessman said, "I can always sign more, I can do joined up writing", he added proudly. The duo also are a dab hand at catering and decorating for Weddings, Bar or Bat Mitzvah's, Anniversary Parties, Retirement Parties or any other celebration that needs that PERFECT MAGICAL touch. When next in Diagon Alley, make sure to visit this lovely shop and the even lovelier owners. You will not be sorry that you did.

In reply to an earlier post on 9 Sep 2007 01:23:04 BDT
Last edited by the author on 9 Sep 2007 01:25:01 BDT
Magic Sports Post 1st January 2004

Family Firm Endurance Event to Celebrate 100 years in Production

Firebolt International Flying Broom Company owned & still run by the Spinnet family are looking for sponsored teams to take part in a global circumnavigation race. The race if successful is envisaged to take place every leap year. Two thirds of the money raised this year will be used to set up a new research unit at St. Mungos` for the treatment of the severely spell damaged. (absenteeism & depression in healers treating Mr. G. Lockheart make it imperative to find a cure soon), & a third of the money will be used to set up a rest home for retired owls.
The brooms will all be supplied by the company and will all be all measured to comply with the class handicapping system.
The race will be run on a relay basis, & fliers will be required to pass a bamboo wand at certain pre-decided destinations, At these points the fliers support team may set up for repairs & first aid,
Teams must consist of 4 named fliers,including at least one witch, & as many support persons as you deem necessary.
Team entry is 10,000 galleons. Team logos advertising your company will be seen around the world.
The race will begin on 1st May from a starting site on Salisbury Plain
The relay change stations are as follows
1st 18*N 80*E - south of Chandrapur, Central India
2nd 25*S 130*E - north of Ayres Rock, Central Australia
3rd 32*N 112*W - north of Tucson Arizona USA
Finish Hogwarts School - Scottish Borders
All entries should be in by 31st January, This allows 3 months for fitness training.
Each flier will be given a muggle "Sat. Nav." & instruction on its use, prior to the start, by a competent muggle, & Arthur Weasley.

Magical Sports Post 31st January 2004

Firebolt Endurance Race
We at Firebolt International are pleased to announce the competitors for our Endurance Race

Weasley Wizard Wheezes -International Fireworks Subsidiary: sponsoring George Weasley, Ron Weasley, Harry Potter, & Ginny Potter

Flourish & Blotts Book & Communication Co. sponsoring
Peter Volchanov, Ludo Bagman, Dean Thomas & Katie Bell

Krum Sports International Clothing Co. sponsoring
Victor Krum Aiden Lynch Ivan Levski & Gwenog Jones

McGonagalls Firewhiskey Distilleries; sponsoring
Charlie Weasley, Bill Weasley,Oliver Wood & Angelina Johnson

Malfroy Casinos Incorporated; sponsoring
Marcus Flint, Liam Moran, Felix Demetriov, & Pansy Parkinson
&
Finch-Fletchley Anglo-Australian Butterbeer & Lager Company; sponsoring
Seamus Troy, Adrian Pacey, Brian Mullett, & Cho Chang

We will keep you posted on the progress of the teams training

In reply to an earlier post on 9 Sep 2007 01:33:54 BDT
Ashley
Could do with some of those Cornish piskies at our wedding celebrations!!! ( Daughter`s fiancee is Cornish, & we never let him forget it !!)

In reply to an earlier post on 9 Sep 2007 01:50:09 BDT
OOH! OOH! I know how to use a GPS unit-have my own. I'll even help teach the USGS 84 UTM grid coordinate system-it's easier and more precise than lat./long. Please let me come, too!!!!!

In reply to an earlier post on 9 Sep 2007 01:51:45 BDT
Last edited by the author on 9 Sep 2007 01:52:42 BDT
Mary Ann, loved your post!! I especially likes the sponsors. Who knew McGonagall was from a Firewhisky dynasty... :) I am sure Gildyboy would be happy to loan you some pixies... that is if he can catch them... LOL.

How are the wedding preparations coming?

Rachel, you need to meet my husband.... he would love you... I get lost in my own house... LOL

In reply to an earlier post on 9 Sep 2007 02:04:12 BDT
Rolling Stone Magazine:
Pirate radio listeners have been reporting a new music sensation-the Weird Sisters. No one seems to know where the band is from, and the call letters of the radio station are never broadcast, violating regulations. The FCC in the states and BBC Radio are collaborating to track down the airwave pirates. This is unfortunate as the WEIRD SISTERS totally ROCK!
Daily Prophet:
Once again, the Ministry has had to issue a reprimand to the band called the Weird Sisters. Apparently Muggles using a HAM radio system have been rebroadcasting music and programmes. Ministry officials are once again working overtime to combat these events. Muggle authorities are also trying to find the broadcast source of the group. For wizarding safety, all future concerts have been cancelled, except for the Yule show from Hogsmeade. Please contact the Weird Sisters directly via owl for new dates and locations. As a warning to all, please be alert for any unusual vehicles coming near you villages. If any 'antenna' are visible, alert the Ministry at once via owl or Floo Network. Use the "Ministry Wireless" as your destinaton. This has been a special bulletin from your Ministry of Magic.

In reply to an earlier post on 9 Sep 2007 15:51:57 BDT
Last edited by the author on 9 Sep 2007 16:02:53 BDT
Dorset Daily Telegraph October 20th 2005

UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN TRAMPLED BY LOCAL HUNT

During yesterday's Cotley Hunt, an unidentifed woman was trampled when the hunt crested a hill. Master of Foxhounds, Sir Percival Huntley stated, "It was a bloody nightmare, we crested the hill in full cry and there was this daft woman running back and forth screaming like the dickens right in front of us." He continued in a shaken voice "She was like some bloody demented suicidal squirrel, running side to side, we tried to miss her, but it was impossible." Several horses and riders went down, but their were no reported injuries other than the unfortunate woman. An inquiry will be convened at the end of the week to look into the incident.

The Daily Prophet October 20th 2005

TRAGEDY AT AZKABAN PRISONER PICNIC

We have been notified of a tragic accident at yesterday's annual prisoner day picnic. The less violent prisoners are taken every year to the countryside for some fresh air and a nice picnic. This year the day ended tragically when prisoner, Dolores Umbridge, was trampled by the local Muggle hunt. Prison picnic organizer, Cornelius Fudge, stated "It was awful, we were having a lovely time eating and singing songs, and then we heard the hunt." "Dolores just went crazy when she heard the approach of the horses, I have never seen anything like it." "I was aware that she was not the outdoorsy type, but her reaction was just baffling."
Ms.Umbridge had been serving a life sentence for crimes against Muggle borns and Half Breeds. She had been briefly married to entrepreneur Gilderoy Lockhart before he recovered his memory. Once his memory was restored he divorced Ms. Umbridge and moved in with his Life Partner, Mr. Draco Malfoy. Ms. Umbridge will be buried in a private burial as it appears she had no friends or family.

In reply to an earlier post on 9 Sep 2007 17:52:34 BDT
Fabulous end! poor foxhunters, though-the unbridled horror of it all! mwahahahah!

Witch Weekly:
Smile not so bright? Gilderoy Lockhart's suggestion is to use "Fangus Glacieratum" for a sparkly-white smile. "After all, I have made Best Smile many times. If you would like a signed photo, I can do joined-up writing now."
So remember now, wave your wands, and say "Fangus Glacieratum" with a special flourish.
[Results not guaranteed by Witch Weekly. Will not work for Squibs. No reparations may be sought in case of poor spell-casting.}

In reply to an earlier post on 10 Sep 2007 00:21:33 BDT
It couldn`t happen to a "nicer" person!!!

Magic Sports Post 23rd March 2004

CIRCUMNAVIGATION -- TRAINING UPDATE
The training programme for the Broomstick circumnavigation is now well under way. Organisers, Firebolt International,have arranged top class tuition for the fliers. Ms. Rachel Abney, one of the muggle world`s leading authorities on satellite navigation agreed to come & supervise a training programme. It has had to be on the premis,however, that she agreed to a vocosilience charm to prevent her being able to recount her visit to anyone.She has been billeted at The Burrow with the Weasleys for the duration of her visit.
I am told that Molly Weasley is delighted to extol the attributes of her new kitchen endlessly to anyone willing to listen. Ms Abney also tells me that she cannot convince Arthur that she did not pilot the 747 that brought her to Britain, & he keeps trying to get her to take Molly & himself "up for a trip round for half an hour"!
Three people were engaged to carry out fitness training, these being, Madam Hooch, Hogwarts Quidditch tutor, covering advanced flying techniques, & two muggles, Mr David Beckham, currently "officially" employed coaching soccer in California, covering physical fitness; & Ms Ashley Cloninger, well known coach of advanced relaxation techniques, covering conservation of energy during flight. These two have also had to subject themselves to the vocosilience charm.
Mr Beckham is currently lodged with a completely overwhelmed Dean Thomas & his partner Morag MacDougal in the lodge of Malfroy Manor,(kindly rented by Weasley Musical Productions).
Ms. Cloninger is staying with Bill & Fleur Weasley in their delightful Shell Cottage, which, she told us is extremely conducive to relaxation, & the food is "Out of this world".

** Our next report will be the start of the race on May 1st
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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Book 7) by J.K. Illustrations by Mary GrandPre. Rowling (Hardcover - 2007)
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