ARTHUR WEASLEYS MONEY MAKING SCAM November 27th 2004
Rita Skeeter reports that earlier today Arthur Weasley has been conning people out of their money. He was arrested and will be held for trial tommorow evening at six o clock. Mr Weasley has been very unfortunate in his adult life because he has always been quite poor and he did have his family to think of, but did he need to go to these lengths? The scam worked like this, he went into peoples houses, pretending to be a salesman, and then he would ask to use their toilet and he then said Accio Money and stole all their money. When people called the police to investigate, they found uncontradictable proof that Arthur Weasley did do this, because they checked the last spells he performed. News about his trial will come at 8 o clock tomorrow.
Lucius Malfoy has been committed to St. Mungo's Memory Wing due to an unfortunate incident in a mostly Muggle park. Muggle owners of black large-breed dogs were confronted by L. Malfoy who was shouting "I know it's you, Sirius! Fight like the coward you are, blood-traitor!" Muggle police officers attempted to arrest Mr. Malfoy, but he escaped. M.O.M. aurors apprehended him hours later while he attempted to enter a dog pound. It's believed Lucius was deluded into thinking the black dogs were somehow related to Sirius Black's earlier escape from Azkaban. A ministry healer was quoted as saying "Work stress can play havoc with the weaker minds of pure-bloods. Mr. Malfoy is a prime example of the inbreeding that occurs with You-Know-Who's followers. Lucky for us that young Harry Potter ended YKW's reign of terror five years ago. I think Mr. Malfoy will spend some time here, poor dear." We here at the D.P. will keep you informed.
Brilliant folks, ----- I always look foreward to my bed time read of your reports. :)
Quidditch International Weekly 5th August 2006
RECORD TRANSFER It was announced earlier this week that Victor Krum seeker of the Hamburg Hawks,has been transferred for the record sum of 2.5 million galleons to the Dresden Daggers. Mr.Krum who some months ago was thought to be having problems with over dependence on alcohol & drugs, assured us that this was "just a minor hiccup", & it seems from his recent performance in the German league,that this is indeed so. In an exclusive interview with our reporter he revealed he was at present in negotiations to buy the Eagles Nest, Adolf Hitlers Bavarian hideout as a permanent residence for himself & his latest escort, the supermodel, Lavender Brown. They are said to have formed a strong attachment after both failing to receive invitations to the society wedding of Mr. Ron Weasley & Miss Hermione Granger. It should be noted that Mr. Ron Weasley has recently resigned,& withdrawn his shares from the English league champions, Chudley Cannons, after having several several matches on the substitutes bench. He was last seen playing wing threequarter in the Ottery St. Catchpole Rugby Team.
THE CHOSEN TOURIST ATTRACTION The wizarding tourist industy has been in a state of panic this weekend due to a rumour that harry potter, the chosen one will be going eurocamping with his wife, ginny weasley and his son james arthur potter. tourists have flocked to the area, and are appraratin in droves. The apparation point has been busy non stop, with streams of witches and wizards.
"Soon the accomodation will run out, and we really do NOT want wizarding tents on the campsite" said a hassled-looking french official.
"I have spent the past week obliviating couriers after they find magical gifts in the tents" said the back-up team of obliviators that britain sent to help
after reading this report Harry and Ginny decided to go to mongolia instead
Good posts everyone, I especially like the "ship" of Lavender and Krum....
The Spectral Times November 15th 2002
GRYFFINDOR GHOST WINS APPEAL!!!!!
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, affectionally known as Nearly Headless Nick, has won his appeal to join the Headless Hunt. After over 500 years of legal wrangling, the Spectral High Court awarded Nearly Headless Nick the right to join the Hunt. The turning point was the expert testimony of one Sir Nigel Hatchett, executioner to royalty for over 800 years. Sir Nigel testified that since Sir Nicholas' spinal core was severed and this did in fact cause his demise, Sir Nicholas therefore qualifies for the Headless Hunt. Sir Nigel did add that if he had been the one to perform the execution, Sir Nicholas would have been headless and it certainly would not have taken 45 attempts to sever his head. Sir Nigel was quoted as saying "Unfortunately this is what happens with sub-standard executioners." He added "This individual obviously did not attend the acredited Academy of Execution." Sir Nigel stated "It is very unfortunate as with a little training this could have been a successful execution with a happy result for all." Head Headless Huntman, Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore had this reaction to the verdict. "We will of course abide by the ruling of the High Court, but I do feel this will set a dangerous precedent for a decline in our standards, where does it end? Will we start to allow individuals who are just maimed to join?" He added "Does this set a precedent that we must take individuals who have maybe just lost an eye, a nose or an ear?" High Spectral Chief Justice, The Bloody Baron, stated "We have made our decision and it is final." He added "Now maybe we can move on to more pressing issues, like how to exorcise Peeves, and what to do about that dismal girl who is always lurking in the pipes."
After angering a large number of goblins at the quidditch world cup, ludo bagman has been far from their favourite wizard. He managed to hide away from them in the confusion of the war but now You-Know-Who has been defeated the goblins found him. "E was hidin in 'is broom shed" said a happy goblin. The goblins then forced him to give them permission to open his vault. After taking all his gold and placing some charmed leprechaun gold in its place they went to Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes and refunded George Weasley for the money Bagman had swindled from him. Although this appears to be an act of good will, our sources say that Georges brother Bill Weasley gave them a tip off as to bagmans whereabouts. It appears the George also knew this as bagmans house is now filled with Weasleys eternal wizz bangs and portable mires. "Last time i saw him he was trying to get a place in his local quidditch team, but he must have lost his head a bit as he tried to get on to the Holyhead Harpies-an all women team" said his neighbour. Bagman hadn't counted on meeting another Weasley, and last time seen he appeared to have a bad case of bat bogies.
February 14th 1996 Valentine's Day Party Don't forget this year's annual Valentine's Day Party at Death Eater's headquarters, AKA, Malfoy Manor. We will have games and food for all, so bring your favorite Pure Blood sweetie and prepare to P.A.R.T.Y!!!!! Games will include, Torture the Muggle, Pin the Tail on the members of The Order of the Phoenix, and of course the Harry Potter pinata, (note to DE members, only LV is allowed to BREAK the Harry Potter pinata, that means you Wormtail)
Movie Night Last month's movie night was such a success we have decided to make it a monthly event. All movies choices will of course be made by LV. We all really enjoyed last month's choices of "Beauty and the Beast" and "The Little Mermaid". Now I do not want to get my fellow DE's overexcited, but there is a rumor that LV's next choice will be "Titanic". A wonderful combination of sappy love story and senseless death. Please remember that this event is BYOP (Bring your own popcorn)
HOGWARTS STAFF IN BREEDING SCANDAL A tip-off from a Reliable source led to two revered members of staff at Hogwarts School of Wizardry being apprehended. Mr William Weasley, now employed once more in the Middle East sent notice to his chiefs at Gringotts Bank that large sums of money were being paid in to some British accounts by wealthy Arabs. These were recognised by the banks` chief cashier, as belonging to Professors Hagrid & Slughorn, from Hogwarts. Mr. Percy Weasley was sent by the ministry to investigate. His report, received during last week revealed that Professors Hagrid & Slughorn were embroiled in a large scale breeding programme of protected magical creatures. They had devised a method of cloning the late Albus Dumbledore`s phoenix, Fawkes,by obtaining a few of it`s ashes at one of its reincarnations, & with careful experimentation using various potions developed by Professor Slughorn, Professor Hagrid had managed to grow 15 baby phoenixes in a breeding unit in the Room of Requirement. 12 of these had already been sold for extortionate sums to Potentates in the Middle East, & a further 18 were about to "hatch" Officials from the Society of Protection of Magical Animals (S.O.P.O.M.A.)confiscated & destroyed the "unhatched" creatures, & recovered 2 of the unsold phoenixes from the first incarnation, the third disappeared without trace.....? An impromptu assembly of the Wizgamot voted by a majority of about 3 to 1 that the miscreants would be better punished by a term of community service rather than a term in Askaban. Consequently they have been given a section of the Forbidden Forest to clear manually & plant with wand tree saplings that Professor Sprout & Neville have been propagating.
In a recent interview with Voldemorts Grandmother ( yes, we recently found her even though he was adopted ) she revealed remarkable information about Voldemort. This is a small part of what she said,'' oh, Vodemorts always acting so tough, when he is killing everyone and all that, but he is only very insecure, I mean he is lovely when you get to know him. He comes home at nine o clock and goes straight to bed ( I have raised him well ), without complaint, and he gets his pink teddy and goes straight to sleep. I know that he used to be a bully but he is very nice to me, when he is with me. Before he goes out for his daily motivless muggle murders, he does all his chores, bless him''. If you want to read more of this interview, turn to page 5.
In a shocking development, Harry Potter, who was once best known as the chosen one, has left his family for Firenze, a centaur. They are said to have become close while Potter was spending a term teaching at Hogwarts. Sources at the prestigious school say that the pair have set up home together in the Forbidden Forest. The scandal has caused great consternation at Hogwarts which has, in recent years, been the centre of numerous rumours of interspecies fraternising. This, however, is the first time any such rumours have been confirmed.
A fellow teacher at Hogwarts, Ms Sybil Trelawney, spoke to us about her lovestruck colleagues. 'I told Dumbledore [headmaster at the time of Firenze's appointment] that it was a bad idea to let that nag teach at Hogwarts. I have the sight, you know, I knew something bad would come of it, and now I have been proven right! Of course, I taught Harry when he was still at school, and tried to warn him about the future I saw for him in his tea leaves. He was such a dear boy, very talented at Divination, but always had a blind spot so far as seeing his own future was concerned.'
Attempts to reach Mrs Ginevra Potter at her parent's home The Burrow, where she has taken refuge, were unsuccessful. Mrs Potter is of course best known as a former chaser for the Holyhead Harpies. A neighbour, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of reprisal, claims to have overheard Mrs Potter in the garden of The Burrow threatening to use her husband's head for Quidditch practice, then hex him 'where it would really hurt the most'.
Flourish And Blotts Monthly Readers Guide January 1991
EX-EMPLOYEE SIGNS RECORD BOOK DEAL!!!!
Joseph Kneavel Roland, ex Flourish and Blotts employee signs record book deal. Due to the international success of his book, "Barry Trotter and the Rugby Team", Joe has signed a deal to pen six more books in the series. Publishers "Stardust and Moonshine", have offered Joe a multi-galleon deal to complete the next six books over ten years. Joe has also signed a record making deal with toy makers "Unicorns and Dragons" for 50% of the proceeds from all accompanying merchandies sales. The titles and plots of the remaining six books are:
Book 2- "Barry Trotter and the Secret of the Chamberpot" - This book is the continuing adventures of Barry and his friends Donald and Herman as they work for the Chamberpot Museum over their Summer Holidays. They will have many adventures with a bit of mystery thrown in.
Book 3- "Barry Trotter and the Prisoner of Alcatraz" - In the third book Barry and his friends and enemy, Drake Malcontent, take a class trip to San Francisco CA and the infamous Alcatraz prison, where Barry learns the TRUTH about his uncle Sirus.
Book 4- "Barry Trotter and the Keg of Guinness" - In book four Barry and his friends, Donald Peasley and Herman Ranger join the Boarshead Academy Debate Team and have their first brush with romance and underage drinking at the local dance club.
Book 5- "Barry Trotter and The Order of the Condors"- Book five has Barry becoming a member of the most popular group at school "The Order of the Condors". He must decide if he wants to be part of the popular group or remain friends with his loyal but nerdy friends, Donald Peasley and Herman Ranger and continue to be Captain of the Boarshead Academy Debate team.
Book 6- "Barry Trotter and the Half-Wit Prince"- Book six continues the adventures of Barry and his friends as they assist Prince Doofulus, an exchange student from Albania, navigate the treacherous world of schoolwork, rugby and the debate team.
Book 7 - "Barry Trotter and the Ghastly Finals" - Book seven finishes the adventures of Barry and friends as they complete school, take their finals and decide what careers they want to pursue.
WARNING: Starting with Book four each book will kill off a major character for no apparent reason, and book seven threatens to be a bloodbath...
MUGGLE P.M. S.O.S. Information, reached our political editor yesterday, of an urgent request from the muggle prime minister, for assistance with an incident at a junior school. The school, St. Barnabas the Barmy C. of E. Junior , Whinging on Thames, Surrey, was the site of an underage magic incident, not registered by our ministry due to the very young age of the culprits. Our reporter was on the scene when the two aurors, Harry Potter & Ron Weasley, & the oblivator, Susan Bones arrived. To say that the 2 aurors were gobsmacked would be an understatement, as they were met by the headmaster,attempting to calm an irate elderly "gentleman" that Mr. Potter immediately recognised as his Uncle Vernon. The said Mr. Dursley snr. had been sent for to collect his wayward grand children,the twins, Damien & Drusilla ,(offspring from the marriage of Dudders to Prisilla Polkiss -- Piers` sister) "I might have guessed you`d have something to do with this " he screamed at Mr.Potter, " We should have drowned you in the pond at the start." Harry Potter & Ron Weasley, on entering the school, found Damien & Drusilla, laying seige to the wendy house with 4 children inside who they were holding to ransom for their sweets. Simple bribery succeeded in breaking the seige, & it wasn`t until one child sobbed "What about Pete & those girls" that Harry & Ron realised the full extent of the problem & the reason they were summoned. The twins had turned little Berties` friend Peter Bogg into the toilet in the corner of the Wendy house, & two fairly large caterpillars turned out to be the girls, Cherie Pye & Daisy Chayne. The children were quickly restored to normal & Susan carried out her task of wiping their memories along with the rest of the school . Harry Potter informed us that he would be having discussions with his cousin & Aunt Petunia concerning the twins, who had obviously inherited magical powers from her line. Our photographer pondered on the obsevation that each twin had one green eye like Harry Potters, while their other eye was hazel. ---- I think we may hear a lot more of those two.........
Great Posts everyone. --- Love the books Ashley. When do we get to read them?? Afraid my posts will become a bit intermittent now. Daughter is getting married in about a month & I`m really getting behind with the bridesmaids dresses, & other preparation. Will still have time to read your posts though so please keep "Reporting"
People UK Where have the supermodels gone? Fashion magazines haven't been the same since an incident involving veteran cat-walker Claudia Schiffer's disappearance last month while doing a shoot in Albania. "Like, wow, you know. The photo guys are making us brunettes dye our hair blonde. Weird, you know?" It seems that the fair-haired fashion goddesses are not arriving for planned shoots, and do not answer cell-phones, Blackberries, or emails. Is this a conspiracy? Daily Prophet: Lucius Malfoy, M.O.M., has been sent to Azkaban for the illegal tampering of Muggles. It seems he has been spiriting tall, blonde Muggle women to his estate during a so-called vacation to Albania. Ministry Healers and Obliviators are working around the clock to repair emotional damage, and modify memories of these defenseless womwn. These women have been quarantined in the same ward with noted public figure, Gilderoy Lockhart. All of the ladies and Gilderoy are entertaining staff at St. Mungo's with fashion shows and "Photo-ops". Healers seem to think this will aid in the speedy recovery of the Muggles. If any of our readers have information regarding the definition of 'email, blackberries, and cell-phones" please contact Ministry Healers.
Hey everyone has OUTDONE themselves. I love them all. Jimminy loved the Grandmother. Hayley, Firenze and HP huh??? Well to each his own and of course we all know Sybil predicted it....:) Rachel we always knew Lucius was a PERV.... LOL
Mary-Ann, I am not sure that I have the imagination to actually write the books. Good luck with your daughter's wedding and if you can squeeze the time, we love your posts. BTW Great use of names!!!
The Quibbler May 2003
YOU-KNOW-WHO FOUND ALIVE!!!!
It has come to our attention during a recent holiday in Las Vegas NV that You-Know-Who is alive after all. It appears that the late great Dumbledore and our own favorite Auror, Harry Potter, missed a Horcrux. When You-Know-Who was defeated at the Great Battle at Hogwarts, it appears that one piece of his soul had escaped to a place no one would think to look. We have discovered that You-Know-Who is currently residing in none other than international superstar......CELINE DION..... Yes it is true, when we saw Celine in concert we were immediately struck by the similarities. The thin body, the slightly crazed look. It was uncanny. The good news though is that it appears You-Know-Who is quite happy where he is. He has loads of adoring fans,(great for the ego since he has a slight inferiority complex), loads of money and a steady job. All in all even though he is still alive and kicking, we think all has worked out in the end. A contented You-Know-Who makes for a contented Wizarding World for all.
Harry Potter's reaction to this article- WTF????!!!!!
Oh Ashley, I just love that last one!!! Not a Celine Dion fan here. Sorry mine was a bit of a sideways reference to Daniel Radcliff's turn in Equus, although there was a truly hilarious one on the rejected lines ages ago.
Hayley, not much of a fan either, I was going to make it Wayne Newton, but Celine Dion was much better.... more realistic... LOL I forgot about Equus, there was a quite a to do in the US tabloids over that. Must say DR has filled out nicely though.
EWWWWW! That truly does explain the Celine Dion phenomenon. You hit the nail on the head! Daily Prophet: Muggle actor Tom Cruise has hired Sybil Trelawney to be a full-time Seer for his family. She reputedly had been sending the attractive(?) movie personality unsolicited star charts regarding roles for him to take. Due to the 'Box office' takings, he sent her an invitation to California. Movies are a form of Muggle entertainment that involves much travel, time spent in front of bright "Lighting", and the eating of popped corn slathered with melted butter. Deputy Headmaster McGonagall was heard to say "We will, er, miss Professor Trelawney's, um, visionary teaching, and wish her all the best." This reporter actually did see Ms. Trelawney traveling to an "airport" by automobile in order to fly to California. Muggle security prevented any further interviews from taking place, however.
Good one Rachel, Trelawney will fit in well in Hollyhell.... LOL
THE MAGICAL INQUISITOR September 15th 2005
NARCISSA MALFOY SUES LUCIUS MALFOY FOR DIVORCE!!!
It has been released to the press that Narcissa, nee Black, Malfoy has petitioned the courts for the dissolution of her marriage to Lucius Malfoy, formerly of Malfoy Manor, and current resident of Spinners End. In a statement released by her solicitior, Mrs. Malfoy states the following,"I have dealt with the stigma of being married to a Death Eater, which is not a good thing now that You-Know-Who has been defeated yet again by the Boy-Who-Just-Keeps-On-Living, and has done a bunk to Las Vegas to sing show tunes." "I have endured the loss of my beautiful home, my many possessions and my credit at all the finest Wizarding shops, and have to live with the knowledge that my beautiful house is now inhabited by those Weasley twits and their band." "I have lived with the humiliation of knowing that Lucius had those Squib twins with that hack, Rita Skeeter." "All this and more I have endured in over twenty years of marriage, but I will be hanged before I will stand by and watch Lucius try to replace me with some vapid Muggle Model." "I have reached my limit and it is over!!!!" Mr. Malfoy released a statement of his own, "I welcome the dissolution of this farce of a marriage, if I have looked for love outside my marriage, it is because of the treatment I received in my marriage." "I have half a mind to marry a Muggle next, at least Muggle women never nag, I am sure that they never whine that you are not spending enough time with them, or that you spend too much time at the local pub with the lads, or that you spend too much time and money betting on Quidditch." "No I think I will marry a Muggle next time, I can do without the angst and high strung characteristics of a Pure Blood witch any day." It should be noted that Mr. Malfoy was drummed out of Death Eater's Anonymous after his statement was released. His response was "Like I bloody care, it was all a bunch of whiners drinking cheap Firewhisky and talking about the good old days."
Thanks to everyone for letting me take liberties with all your posts!!!!