Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Sorting Out Whether Your Relationship Can-and Should-Be Saved Paperback – 30 May 2011
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Praise forWhy Does He Do That?
Bancroft has opened a window into the thinking of abusive men, and his book helps open a door out of abusive relationships. Gavin de Becker, New York Timesbestselling author ofThe Gift of FearandFear Less
This is without a doubt the most informative and useful book yet written on the subject of abusive men. Jay G. Silverman, PhD, director, Violence Prevention Programs, Harvard School of Public Health
Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting first-person accounts and boxes that distill in-depth information into simple checklists. Bancroft s book promises to be a beacon of calm for many storm-tossed families. Publishers Weekly
Bancroft boldly asks and brilliantly answers the most important questions of all: Why do so many men abuse women? What can be done about it? This book is desperately needed and long overdue. Jackson Katz, creator of the award-winning videoTough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Masculinity
This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended. Library Journal
At last the straight scoop on men who abuse women. This is a book not just for abused women and domestic violence professionals, but for everyone who wonders why there s so much violence in America. Read it. Ann Jones, author ofWhen Love Goes WrongandNext Time, She ll Be Dead
Bancroft helps women who feel trapped in unhealthy relationships make sense out of what is happening. Sarah Buel, JD, codirector, Domestic Violence Clinic, and lecturer, University of Texas Law School
A compelling read about a tough topic. What you read here will come back to you long after you put the book down. Angela Browne, author ofWhen Battered Women Kill
An informative and necessary read. Susan Weitzman, PhD, author ofNot to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages"
Praise for Why Does He Do That?
About the Author
Lundy Bancroft is the author of Why Does He Do That? As well as When Dad Hurts Mom and articles in medical journals and professional books. He lives in New England. JAC Patrissi facilitates the Growing a New Heart retreat series for women healing from destructive relationships and is the founder and former director of the Vermont Victim Assistance Academy.
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Top customer reviews
It gives you a different read & has exercises for you to complete if you wish, but trust me, once you start reading, you'll want to do them as it engages you to a level of thought that really keeps your attention.
I was dating a man with an addiction to alcohol, nicotine, weed, cocaine, sex & his abusive behaviour on top took it's toll!
It was like reading my life with him & that was hard as I knew for me it would never work, his deep rooted issues wouldn't allow me as an equal!!
While it was uncomfortable to read this, I'll forever be glad that I did. It cut through the nonsense and misdirection and helped me to see that relationship for what it was. Thank you, Lundy Bancroft.
The author has extensive knowledge and experience working with and dealing with abusers, be it mental, physical, spiritual, emotional etc., and he tells it like it is. He is also able to tell us what it is and what it looks like in our lives. It can be really uncomfortable to read because of our own denial and magical thinking, but I urge you for your own health, wellbeing and sanity, read the whole book. If you let it, it will be the start to a great change in your life.
I then went searching for anything else by Lundy, and came across this as a possible follow up.
In it, Lundy and his co author gently and literally walk you through the process of untangling yourself from the web of manipulation, control and abuse that you have been living in. If your partner is alcoholic, a drug addict, has mental health issues etc., they cover all these aspects, and even say that none of these things are the cause of abuse. Abuse is abuse, period.
They do it in a way that makes you feel loved, nurtured, affirmed, validated and cared for whilst making you fully aware of some really hard things. They give you exercises to do to help you get in touch with yourself and find out what you really want, that gently and powerfully empowers you to stand for what is good for you, and hold your partner accountable for his actions, past, present and future. You cannot be soft on abusers, that's how the get away with what they do for so long because of our misdirected empathy towards them.
If you do buy either book, it is very important that the abuser does not see it or even know about it.
I think it is a powerful tool for anyone suffering from any type of abuse, and for helping others who are. It will also give pointers to help regular relationships be better.
I am currently working through it myself, and it is giving me the courage and support to start doing some things in my own situation, knowing that what I have been second guessing myself on is right. I don't have to guess any more. They spell it out clearly. The hard work is me doing it and sticking to it no matter what, and they gently and very constructively help you make a plan for the no matter what.
I cannot recommend this book enough
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