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It's Ok Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids Paperback – 2 Aug 2012

5.0 out of 5 stars 14 customer reviews

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Product details

  • Paperback: 378 pages
  • Publisher: Tarcher (2 Aug. 2012)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1585429368
  • ISBN-13: 978-1585429363
  • Product Dimensions: 15.2 x 2.6 x 22.8 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (14 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 134,340 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
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Review

"Rarely do parenting books trigger in me an exhale. But the title alone for Heather Shumaker's new book came like that rare August breeze."
-The Washington Post "On Parenting"
"An insightful, sensible and compassionate book full of downright revolutionary ideas."
-Salon.com
"Brilliant. . . . It's OK Not to Share is an enlightening book that will make you take a second look at everything you believe."
-Parents.com
"Did you read the title and think, what the heck? Me, too. Not only did I read it to figure out the title, I underlined about a third-it's that good."
-Melissa Taylor, ImaginationSoup.net

"What an amazing book! [Shumaker] challenge[s] the parenting myths and fallacies that our society has embraced for so long."
-Provider Resource Organization

"A breath of fresh air."
-Jane Pratt, founder of xoJane.com

"These 'renegade rules' will resonate with what you know to be true, speak to what you want most for your children, and teach you how to achieve it. Don't let this one slip off your reading list."
-Dr. Becky Bailey, author of Conscious Discipline and Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline

"This beautifully written book. . . provides immediate, sanity-saving answers to tough parenting questions. I highly recommend it."
-Michael Gurian, author of The Wonder of Boys and The Good Son

"From 'Bombs, Guns, and Bad Guys Allowed' to '"I Hate You!" Is Nothing Personal, ' the table of contents alone is music to my ears. Heather Shumaker is a healthy mom I can relate to-and I'll bet you will too, when you hear out her logic."
-Paula Spencer Scott, author of Momfidence!

"A refreshing change from the usual admonitions. . . Shumaker's Renegade Rules are based on what children really need."
-Lawrence J. Cohen, author of Playful Parenting

"Shumaker beautifully shows us why letting kids be kids may be the single most important thing we can do as parents."
-Anthony T. DeBenedet, M.D. coauthor of The Art of Roughhousing

"A must-read for parents and teachers. This is a book you will want with you all the time."
-Daniel Hodgins, author of Boys: Changing the Classroom, Not the Child

"A no-nonsense commonsense appraoch. . . As you read this book, you will begin to feel the stress of parenting melt away."
-Vivian Kirkfield, PositiveParentalParticipation.com

About the Author

Heather Shumaker is a journalist whose writing has appeared in Parenting, Pregnancy, Organic Gardening, and other publications. A frequent speaker on parenting topics and an advocate for free, unstructured play in homes and schools, she has a special passion for nonprofits; before turning to writing full-time, she worked for The Nature Conservancy, Audubon Society, Hudson River Sloop Clearwater, and many others. She holds an MS degree from the Institute for Environmental Studies at University of Wisconsin-Madison, and a BA from Swarthmore College. Heather makes her home in northern Michigan, with her husband, three chickens, and two children.


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Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
I bought this book when the issue of sharing came to the forefront of my toddler's life. At 2, she was the child who was most likely to have toys taken from her (without protest). That left me in a tricky situation; I didn't know how to either defend her right to have that toy without upsetting the other parent or teach my daughter how to kindly stand her ground.

I mentioned the book's ideas on 'not sharing' with my closest friend, whose son is also 2, and we practised the author's advice. We noticed immediately that it worked. The children were willing to talk to each other (we gave them the words) and respect their own agreement to take turns. And it removed all confrontation that might be felt between parents because what we were doing was getting the children to talk to each other (rather than giving out orders). Both children felt respected & safe to play with a toy until 'done'.

After that, we broached the subject to other parents who we met with, when we found that they had the same problems over sharing (when to say something, forcing your child to 'share' their toys when they weren't done to appease another parent/child etc). They were open to trying the technique but doubted their child's willingness to co-operate. They were then amazed to see their child accept the final outcome (usually without tears or frustration).

Of course, there are other topics discussed in the book, which are very interesting & offer the same level of common sense. But I bought it for the chapter on sharing & was not disappointed.
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This is simply excellent. It's very hands-on, structured around practical situations, but then Ms Shumaker also explains the thinking and guiding principles behind the advice she gives, and references relevant scholarly work. That would be enough to earn five stars, but she doesn't stop there: there's also advice on how to handle situations where other parents (who may not be on the same page with you regarding these "renegade rules") are involved (and Ms Shumaker knows how to handle these very subtly and amicably), and there are very useful lists of both suggested phrasing to use and to avoid when guiding your children.

Most importantly: does it work? Stunningly, and somewhat to my surprise, results were as promised, within two or three days.
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Format: Kindle Edition
I read this on recommendation of a like-minded friend. It is based on a respectful understanding of children as real people, with rights and feelings, but also recognising that they can't always do everything they want the way they want. It gives a framework and practical tips for keeping children safe while allowing them the freedom to be children and to learn for themselves how to interact with others in a thoughtful and respectful way. Ad it doesn't take itself too seriously, acknowledging that sometimes you need to just let it slide, or adapt your rules to sensitivities of others , or if you simply can't be bothered. Would recommend it to anyone!
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Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
Absolutely love it. Some really interesting ideas and approaches which really make sense to me. Has definitely changed the way I interpret and deal with my children's behaviour and made life at home a little calmer. My two boys regularly fight over toys and whine about the fact that the other isn't sharing - the approach described in the book really works ensuring the child gets to play with the toy until they are finished and the other is supported to deal with the emotions of not getting what they want straight away. Would highly recommend this book to anyone with kids under 7.
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Wonderful wonderful wonderful book! Would HIGHLY recommend it for any free-thinking open-minded parents, who want to bring up their children to be kind, considerate, compassionate but not compliant :)
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I really like the style of parenting advocated and this book should be read because at least you can argue for your own choices if you don't like it. It is thought provoking honest and funny.
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Fantastic book, easy to read. Backed up by forty years research and based in child developmental psychology and neuroscience.
There is one rule: it's ok as long as it's not hurting people or property. So glad I bought this book!
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