The Rules for Online Dating: Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right in Cyberspace Paperback – 3 Feb 2003
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About the Author
Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider met 15 years ago, and have been formulating and formatting their rules for dating since then. The first book, THE RULES, was highly successful and spawned several spin-offs, adaptations, and parodies, written by other authors.
Ellen Fein is a graduate of New York University and lives on Long Island, New York, with her husband and two children. Ever since she and Sherrie Schneider began weekly meetings in a Chinese restaurant years ago, lamenting their dating woes and discussing their friends' relationships, the two have been formulating and formatting their rules for dating that have now become so popular. They have come a long way, having been featured on Dateline NBC and the Today show, chronicled in People, Time, Newsweek, The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, The Washington Post, and USA TODAY and even spoofed in a skit on Saturday Night Live. Since the success of the first book, there have been several spin-offs, adaptations, and parodies of The Rules, written by other authors, but none have garnered the attention of the original.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
E-mail and The Rules for Online Dating
E-mail has become a universal part of relationships these days, whether a relationship starts online or not. Millions of women around the world are "e-dating," whether they meet men online or in a local bar. In the last two years, we've seen a rapid shift in our consulting business -- today about 50 to 75 percent of the calls and e-malls we get concern relationships being conducted on the Internet. And these women have been asking us for a book of Rules for dating online.
As many of you know, our first book, The Rules, spawned a worldwide movement. Readers began -- and continue -- to set up free online and offline support groups around the world and visit our website (www.therulesbook.com) at the rate of over 400,000 hits a month. But when we wrote The Rules seven years ago, little was known about online dating-many even considered it dangerous -- so we did not even include it. By 1997, when we wrote The Rules II, there was a little more interest in online dating and we wrote a short chapter telling women the pitfalls of this chat-intensive dating method, how to best apply The Rules, and how to play it safe.
Back then, there were only a handful of dating websites. By 1999 there were more than 2,500 Internet sites devoted to matchmaking. And the numbers are still climbing worldwide.
Today, busy professional men and women think nothing of placing an ad and photo online and coming home every night to dozens of e-mails from desirable members of the opposite sex. They spend hours on the computer every day in online relationships or chat rooms or just answering their e-mail. The only problem is that online dating has become a little like a bad bar scene. Women are making serious mistakes in the way they meet and talk to men online, Women need to know:
- how to write effective ads
- how to answer e-mails
- how to act in chat rooms
- how to set boundaries with men online, and
- how to weed out the good guys from the bad.
And we're not just talking about women who use online dating services and chat rooms (an online forum where people can converse with each other by posting messages in real time). Today, virtually everyone uses e-mail; it's as common as a phone call. More men are simply asking women out or asking them about their day by e-mail instead of or in addition to calling, whether they first met these women through love@aol, personals, yahoo.com, or at a party at a friend's house. These days, men and women meeting for the first time often exchange e-mail addresses -- sometimes before they exchange phone numbers!
Women meeting new men at business conferences, birthday parties, or clubs give out their e-mail addresses and also take men's e-mail addresses, and then find themselves in an e-mail relationship with a man. These women are just as prone to making the same mistakes online as women using online dating services and chat rooms -- mistakes that can ruin their relationships.
E-mail courtship has made dating more hazardous than ever. With e-mail, women are tempted to let their guard down, let it all hang out, Instant Message men all night, and have cybersex (not The Rules!). But we believe you cannot e-mail with abandon, without thinking, without Rules. You must watch what you say, how often you say it, no matter what or how often he e-mails you, otherwise the relationship becomes so casual that it can go poof! -- disappear -- like a blank computer screen.
What many women don't realize is that an e-mail is just like a phone call-it does count! Women are making the same kind of mistakes online they make on the phone, mistakes that allow an e-courtship to become too easy. But these mistakes can be easily corrected with a set of Rules do's and don'ts. Hence The Rules for Online Dating. In this book, you will find out, among other things:
- Why you must let a man e-mail you first, regardless of how you met him
- Why not to answer men's ads
- How to create a good screen name or ad name
- The right way -- and the wrong way -- to write an online ad
- How and when to answer men's e-mails and Instant Messages
- How to do The Rules in any relationship that uses e-mail, no matter whether you first met online or offline
- How to prevent the relationship from becoming too casual
- How to not let online men waste your time
- How to set up the first face-to-face meeting with your e-mail guy ("date zero")
- How to evaluate the quality of an online relationship as it develops
- Potentially life-saving safety tips
You may be wondering at this point: If the premise of The Rules is that a man must pursue a woman and she must be mysterious and challenging, how is that premise going to work on an Internet dating website where you have to post a photo and describe yourself in an ad for all the world to see? You can definitely retain your mystery and keep yourself from being too available on dating websites and even in chat rooms. Read on, and we will tell you exactly how to apply the basic Rules premise to online and e-mail dating for the best possible results.
Copyright © 2002 by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider
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Top Customer Reviews
Well, when reading the book, I got a new boyfriend, I was applying the rules word by word and everything was fine, and I say it was fine FOR HIM, because at that moment my circumstances were not the best in my career. During the relationship, I had had a hard time to find a good job that suited my skills.
Finally, I got my dreamed job and in just a few days his attitude changed completely. The fear factor that I could be independent, a self-confident woman scared him away. What I understood about this book it is not be yourself, give up your dreams and pursue only his. It is selfish and inconsiderate, how can we be happy with such advice?. I am a woman who was raised with good values, I got a professional degree, and I have worked hard all my life.The authors want to convince the readers, that our grandmothers kept their men for longer and better than we do, but the question is: were they happy? In the past, women were not allowed to go to the university, they were not allowed to file a divorce, they were not allowed to enroll in a political party, the society itself pointed at them if they had brains... So to the authors: times DO change, re-write this book according with the 21st century, and learn more about your own experience, there should have been a happy ending for you than you have in real life with respect to your own marriage. One of the husband's authors filed the divorce for the grounds of abandonment... Did she give up her career/success for him? as far as I know, she is still writing books.Read more ›
This book took me my the hand and led me through the shark infested waters. It taught me how to present myself and to screen out 'Mr Wrong', how to avoid time wasters etc. There are lots of lovely people out there just like me who just want to meet - and I'd say that online is actually better than other methods I've observed in my time (since the seventies anyway)! It's a comfort to know in advance if the guy has/wants children etc - it can take forever to get down the the nitty gritty otherwise.
I did as I was told for a long time - then I bent the rules a bit!!!! Instead of passively waiting for e-mails I decided to get a bit more proactive and 'introduce myself' to men to get their attention - after that I went back into strict rules mode. This speeded things up a bit and Mr Right popped along!
There is a rule about not responding to an e-mail within 24 hours. This was easy and then I realised to my horror that the other person can see if his message has been read (I had always read it instantly)! This confused one guy a bit who thought I hadn't been honest (there is some truth in that I suppose) so check this or log on every other day........
Good luck and may The Rules go with you - you will need the other book now (The Rules) to know what to do with him when you've got him - until you bend them anyway!
Most Recent Customer Reviews
very interesting rules...kinda old fashioned values but good advice,Published 5 months ago by Carolyn Rapolas
Very outdated. While had some good points if people follow this then I can see the reason why so many are still single and searching.Published 8 months ago by TDL
Love this, swear by these rules and changed by internet dating experience for the betterPublished 10 months ago by MISS ELAINE LEUNG
Very helpful. I will definitely recommend. It's old fashioned but works. It has helped me understand so many things I was going about the wrong way. Thumps up!Published 15 months ago by Betty Chalmers
This is a very interesting book, but so very outdated! I used to apply similar practices to dating and time after time was told that the man thought i wasnt interested because i... Read morePublished 24 months ago by Talia
Every woman in every decade of her life need to read this! Will the book help you meet mr right really quickly no! Read morePublished 24 months ago by Lisa
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