Similar authors to follow
Manage your follows
About Robert Rankin
Robert Rankin describes himself as a teller of tall tales. The Morning Star describes him as 'The Master of Silliness', and his publisher describes him as The Master of Far Fetched Fiction. He is the author of more than thirty novels, of which he has sold millions of copies, and he is published - and making people laugh - around the world.
Despite his remarkable publishing success, Robert has never taken himself too seriously. He loves going on tour, signing books for readers, and his appearances at signings and conventions are legendary, often including a stand-up routine, a song (accompanied by his 'air-ukulele'), and an always-entertaining question-and-answer session. Robert Rankin is a great entertainer, whether in person or through his novels, with wit, humour and an incredible personal warmth.
But that's not all! In addition to being a talented writer, comedian and musician, he's also an incredible artist . . . so incredible, that he creates his own stunning book covers.
Reading his books can and will inspire you, scare you, thrill you and, above all, entertain you. His novels are an outlet for the soul, and food for the imagination.
The Brentford Trilogy:
The Brentford Triangle
East of Ealing
The Sprouts of Wrath
The Brentford Chainstore Massacre
Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls
Knees Up Mother Earth
The Armageddon Trilogy:
Armageddon: The Musical
They Came and Ate Us
The Suburban Book of the Dead
Cornelius Murphy Novels:
The Book of Ultimate Truths
Raiders of the Lost Car Park
The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived
The Trilogy That Dare Not Speak Its Name:
Sprout Mask Replica
The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag
Waiting for Godalming
The Witches Trilogy:
The Witches of Chiswick
Knees Up Mother Earth
Eddie Bear Novels:
The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse
The Greatest Show Off Earth
The Garden of Unearthly Delights
A Dog Called Demolition
Nostradamus Ate My Hamster
Web Site Story
The Fandom of the Operator
The Da-da-de-da-da Code
Customers Also Bought Items By
Shamelessly entitled The Chronicles of Banarnia is the second and concluding part of the final Brentford trilogy. Of which The Lord of the Ring Roads was probably the first. Or not.
Confused? Well, it's hardly surprising, is it?
This is a Robert Rankin book. One in which...
Brentford has been brought to ruination by a mighty supernatural storm.
The "First Folk", those of the Faerie Kingdom, are rising to reclaim their planet from "Darwinian" Man (the Sons of the Simian).
Driven beneath the surface of the world hundreds of years ago, after a battle fought upon the sacred soils of Brentford, they have returned to exact revenge upon their tormentors.
And who is there to stand against this magical army?
Well, there's a wizard, a giant and two blokes from down the Flying Swan.
What can go wrong most certainly will. But in a way that will make it all worthwhile.
So to speak.
And such like.
And now read on.....
THE ANTIPOPE is Robert Rankin’s first novel, written more than thirty years ago and hailed as a classic of Far Fetched Fiction (at least by Rankin himself, who invented the genre in the hope that he would get his own shelf in bookshops and not have to compete with other authors).
It features the adventures of Jim Pooley and John Omally, unemployed bachelors of the parish, who prefer to spend their days in the un-heroic pursuits of drinking, betting and womanizing, but find themselves drawn into a series of epic adventures.
Here too is Archroy, whose wife has sold his Morris Minor to a gypsy in return for five magic beans; Professor Slocombe, Brentford’s mystically-inclined patriarch; Soap Distant, notable mole-man and hollow-Earth enthusiast; and corner shop-keeper Norman Hartnell (who is not to be confused with the other Norman Hartnell - look him up on Wikipedia!).
Together they form a glittering cast of uniquely eccentric, lovable and fantastical characters who stride, sidle across or explode onto the pages of seven Brentford adventures (or nine, if you include THE BRIGHTONOMICON and RETROMANCER, which feature a teenage Jim Pooley) fearlessly challenging all those who threaten the suburb, saving the world from aliens, town-planners and other monsters in human form or otherwise.
Many say that Robert Rankin is a bit like Marmite. You either love him or hate him. Or indeed cornflakes, as you might well have forgotten just how good he is.
Despite his reputation as an unrepentant Luddite (he really does still write his novels in exercise books with a biro) he has overcome his natural suspicion of 21st century technology to make his novels available to download and keep forever on your Kindle. All of his remaining early titles will be released throughout 2012 with new cover art and extra bits and bobs where possible. It is hoped that you will enjoy reading them as much as he enjoyed writing them. And if there are any typos or errors he offers his sincere apologies. He really is doing his best.
***NEWLY REVISED FOLLOWING FEEDBACK***
At last it can be told--the entire ludicrous, funny, touching, cock-eyed story. No holds barred, warts and all. The great big ups and the terrible downs. The whole kith and caboodle and the kitchen sink and things of that nature generally.
One of the twentieth century's most original literary talents tells the tale of his life in his own unique style.
And he swears on his honour that every word of it is true.
Robert Rankin is the best selling author of more than forty books. Hailed as "The Father of Far-Fetched Fiction", he spent thirty-three years in mainstream publishing. His sales number in the millions and his books are sold around the world. He is the proud father of four sons and lives with his lovely wife Raygun, in a little painted house beside the sea in Brighton.
THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN
After more than a decade, Jim Pooley, John Omally, Neville, Norman, Professor Slocombe and all, make a welcome return to Brentford for their greatest ever adventure. Spanning three books, of which this is the first, Robert Rankin is proud to present to you a mighty epic that will be the final Brentford Trilogy (no, really!). So, what's it all about then?
They are building a ring road around Brentford.
Well, no one seems to know for sure. No one that is, but for the unfeasibly charismatic town clerk, Mr Pocklington. A man of somewhat supernatural abilities.
Could there possibly be more to this ring road business than meets the eye, we ask ourselves.
Might there just be something really really sinister going on which may spell doom and desolation, not only for London's best loved borough, but the very world as we know it?
Might there be, perchance, an ancient enemy bent upon hideous revenge, reawakening?
Could this indeed be something of a mind-boggling, world -threatening persuasion?
Well, of course it could. Because this is Brentford and there wouldn't be much of a story otherwise.
Our teenage hero, having been thrown from Brighton Pier by the leader of The Canvey Island Mod Squad, narrowly escapes drowning thanks to the Perfect Master, Cosmic Dick and self-styled Logos of the Aeon (not to mention the reinventer of the Ocarina), Hugo Rune Himself.
Our hero has lost his memory, and, in desperation, agrees to join The Lad Himself in the solving of twelve cases based upon The Brightonomicon, the new zodiac signs formed by the alignment of Brighton streets and discovered by Rune: carriageway constellations.
And together they must find the Chronovision before it falls into the wrong hands and affords ultimate power to the would-be world dictator. And this being an adventure most exciting, they must find it before the sinister Count Otto Black, would-be World Dictator and all-round bad guy. Or the whole world will all go to pot.
The End Times foretold in The Book of Revelation are coming to pass in Brentford, a peaceful London suburb, East of Ealing. Lateinos and Romiith a vast computer corporation is planning to barcode the population of the world and do away with money. The lads who frequent Brentford’s finest public house - The Flying Swan - are not going to like that! The headquarters of the sinister corporation towers into the suburban sky, casting a fearful shadow and putting the wind up the locals. Something will have to be done and when it comes to tackling Armageddon and the Apocalypse, who better to take on the task, than those two unemployed inebriates, Jim Pooley and John Omally? Well, there’s Professor Slocombe, who has certain plans of his own. And Norman from the corner shop who has just rediscovered the secrets of perpetual motion. And there is also Mr Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street, whose surprise visit to Brentford is causing something of a stir. Between the lot of them they are bound to come up with something. . . . . . .Or possibly not!
Yes, they’re back, for Book Three of The Brentford Trilogy: a cast of lovable rogues, fearsome magicians, eccentric inventors and a pagan barlord whose previous adventures were documented in The Antipope and The Brentford Triangle. East of Ealing was originally published in 1984, and now seems very much ahead of its time and forces the reader to ask the cosmic question: where does Robert Rankin get his ideas from?
“STARK RAVING GENIUS” - Observer
Meanwhile, in the unsuspecting London suburb, folk go on with their mundane, everyday lives. Jim Pooley and John Omally, engage in rounds of allotment golf. Neville the part-time barman muses upon the coming inter-pub darts tournament. Corner tobacconist Norman is hard at work with his Meccano set. Small Dave, the postman does his daily rounds. And Soap Distant rows his boat and does a bit of fishing. Things look pretty day-to-day in this sleepy backwater, enclosed within the boundaries of the Great West Road, the Grand Union Canal and the River Thames. Which form what is known as The Brentford Triangle.
Appearances can, however, sometimes be deceptive. Norman, for instance, is employing his Meccano set to build a teleportation device, in order to change the world’s weather. Small Dave’s leisure hours are spent in attempts to summon the spirit of Edgar Allen Poe. And Soap Distant rows his boat upon night-dark waters five miles beneath Penge, in search of a subterranean super-race. And that is not to mention Brentonian traveller Archroy, who has recently discovered Noah’s Ark upon the peak of Mount Ararat. Or Professor Slocombe, an ancient magician, who is fathoming the cosmic mysteries of The Brentford Triangle itself.
It might just be that the Cerean strike force will get more than it’s bargained for when it launches its attack. Let’s hope so, because the darts tournament is on this coming Friday and we wouldn’t want anything to stand in the way of The Flying Swan winning it for the sixth year in a row.
The second book in the now legendary Brentford Trilogy, highly acclaimed for its heady mix of suburban fantasy, laugh out loud humour and cast of eccentrically endearing characters brought to you by the Pharoah of Far Fetched Fiction; The Brentford Triangle was first published in 1982 and now diddled-about-with and re-launched into the digital age by notorious Luddite and technophobe Robert Rankin.
At last, the real truth behind the London Olympics.
The local council, in an act of public-spiritedness, and a hefty back-hander, has agreed to let Brentford host the next Olympic Games. The plans are drawn up and money is changing hands. Norman has a few ideas of his own to see that the home team achieves victory and there is even some talk about the locals’ favourite pub, The Flying Swan, getting a make-over.
But, once more dark and primordial forces are stirring in London’s most curious borough, evil is abroad and who is there to help out in a pressing time of need?
How about Mr Jim Pooley and Mr John Omally? Yes indeed, this could be the twosome’s greatest challenge to date, for not only must they match what wits they have against a terrifying opponent, they must also in something so awful, so mind-bendingly ghastly that they dare hardly speak its name. REGULAR EMPLOYMENT!!!!
Peopled with familiar characters from The Antipope, The Brentford Triangle and East of Ealing, along with newcomers such as enigmatic master detective Sherringford Hovis and the “guru’s guru” Hugo Rune (star of many of Rankin’s later books) The Sprouts of Wrath combines Rankin’s intoxicating mix of hilarious situations, comic banter and his love of expressive language and elegant vocabulary with a genuine affection for his native Brentford and its denizens. The fourth book in the now legendary Brentford Trilogy, The Sprouts of Wrath, although first published nearly thirty years ago, deals with topics that are very much in the news today. That he also draws in discussion of environmental issues, mankind’s misuse of natural resources, the nature of good and evil and the power of true friendship establishes Rankin as not only one of Britain’s most original comic writers, but also something of a visionary.
We have all been lied to. A great and sinister conspiracy exists to keep us from uncovering the truth about our past.
Have you ever wondered how Victorians dreamed up all that fantastic futuristic fiction? Did it ever occur to you that it might just have been based upon fact? That THE WAR OF THE WORLDS was a true account of real events? That Captain Nemo' s Nautilus even now lies rusting at the bottom of the North Sea? That there really was an invisible man?
And what about the other stuff? Did you know that Queen Victoria had a sexual relationship with Dr Watson? Or that the elephant man was a product of an E.T./human hybridisation programme? Or that Jack the Ripper was a terminator robot sent from the future?
Read on: and learn how a cabal of Victorian Witches from the Chiswick Townswomen's Guild, working with advanced Babbage super-computers, rewrote 19th Century history, and how a 23rd Century boy called Will Starling uncovered the truth about everything.
A hilarious comic fantasy from the bestselling cult creator of the Brentford Triangle Trilogy
Once upon a time Jack set out to find his fortune in the big city. But the big city is Toy City, formerly known as Toy Town, and it has grown considerably since the good old days and isn't all that jolly any more. And there is a serial killer loose on the streets. The old, rich nursery rhyme characters are being slaughtered one by one and the Toy City police are getting nowhere in their investigations. Meanwhile, Private Eye Bill Winkie has gone missing, leaving behind his sidekick Eddie Bear to take care of things.
Eddie may be a battered teddy with an identity crisis, but someone's got to stop the killer. When he teams up with Jack, the two are ready for the challenge. Not to mention the heavy drinking, bad behaviour, car chases, gratuitous sex and violence, toy fetishism and all-round grossness along the way. It's going to be an epic adventure!
Magic, time travel and football: not exactly your everyday combination - but the fate of mankind hangs upon the result. Of course.
There's big trouble in little Brentford. Property developers are planning to destroy the borough's beloved football ground and build executive homes on the site. Shock! Outrage! Horror!
The lads of The Flying Swan, Brentford's most celebrated drinking house, take up the challenge. Surely with these stalwarts working for the cause, Brentford's football ground can be saved?
Would it were so, but this is Brentford and ancient forces of evil are forever stirring in the borough: Old Testament terrors, Lovecraftian loathsomes and beasties from the bottomless pit. And if the team make it through to the final, it's going to be a match that no one will forget. What with the fate of mankind hanging upon the result. And everything.
“Robert Rankin is a deep-down humourist, one of those rare guys who can always make me laugh”
THE YEAR IS 2050 AND THE WORLD IS ONCE MORE COMING TO AN END
When society collapsed in 1999 with the Nuclear Holocaust Event, things got rather dull on Planet Earth. Sickly green survivors huddled in their mouldy bomb-proof bunkers, watching reality TV and waiting for things to sort themselves out.
Rex Mundi has just got himself a new job, Religious Affairs Correspondent for Buddhavision, one of the big three television companies that now control the world. Rex’s employer is Dalai Dan, the 153rd incarnation of the Dalai Lama. Dan hosts Nemesis, the most popular TV game show in human history. A show that has taken sex and violence to new extremes and Dan is not an easy Lama to work for.
Rex’s first day on the job hasn’t gone altogether well. He has been blown up, narrowly avoided being eaten by cannibals and finally tortured to death. He remains optimistic however that his second day might go better.
On the Planet Phnaargos, there is little optimism. Since the dawn of Earth history the Phnaargs, a race addicted to television, have enjoyed a TV reality show called The Earthers. Broadcast live from Planet Earth. In fact Phnaargian “script advisors” have secretly influenced Mankind’s history literally from the Stone Age to provide entertainment for their people. The Nuclear Holocaust Event was a ratings topper, but now the viewing figures are falling. There is just not enough exciting things happening down on Planet Earth.
Happily a Phnaargian TV exec has come up with a plan: travel back in time and reinstate a popular Earth character from the past. One whom, had he made a different decision, would have changed the course of Earth history and so avoid the Nuclear Holocaust Event. That individual is Elvis Aron Presley and all the Phnarrgs have to do is travel back to 1958 and persuade Elvis to dodge the draft, thus influencing a generation of American youths to follow suit, in turn preventing the Nuclear Holocaust Event.
Enter Barry The Time-Travelling Brussels Sprout.
And so the stage is set for Armageddon: The Musical, Robert Rankin’s seminal novel (originally published in 1990). Characteristically abundant in off-the-wall concepts and situations, this book is a mind-bending rollercoaster ride through a post-apocalyptic dystopia gone mad, peopled with evil villains, dyscalculic nuclear missiles, corrupt and incompetent executives, mad lesbians and loquacious vegetables; it contains something to offend everyone and is certainly not for the faint-hearted!
Armageddon: The Musical is the first in the three-part Armageddon Quartet that would go on to inspire a generation of comedy fantasy authors; Rankin reveals himself to be a true visionary (who else foresaw the depths to which reality television would plumb - a mere 20 years on?). Rankin’s original ideas and unique literary style make him one of England’s finest comic writers. “A sort of drinking man’s H. G. Wells” as a Midweek critic put it. Armageddon earned Rankin death threats from Elvis fans but added to his already established reputation as a writer unlike any other. Love him or hate him, the choice is yours.
The Armageddon Quartet:
Armageddon: The Musical
They Came and Ate Us
Armageddon II: The B-Movie
The Suburban Book of the Dead
Armageddon III: The Remake