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Next Steps in Parenting the Child Who Hurts: Tykes and Teens Paperback – 1 Aug 1999

4.2 out of 5 stars 13 customer reviews

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  • Next Steps in Parenting the Child Who Hurts: Tykes and Teens
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  • First Steps in Parenting the Child Who Hurts: Tiddlers and Toddlers
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  • Parenting a Child with Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties (Parenting Matters)
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Product details

  • Paperback: 224 pages
  • Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers Ltd (1 Aug. 1999)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1853028029
  • ISBN-13: 978-1853028021
  • Product Dimensions: 17.3 x 1.3 x 24.5 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (13 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 118,681 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • See Complete Table of Contents

Product Description

Review

If you don't buy another book buy this one. For adoptive parents and foster carers, and for professionals working in either field, this is a must. Here the perplexing behaviours that drive us to despair and seriously threaten relationships, are explored with great sensitivity and a depth of understanding that has long been awaited. Caroline Archer draws upon new medical research to illustrate the changes to the brain and development of young people who have endured early trauma, and uses first hand experiences to provide a practical guide to the egg-shell-strewn daily journey with pre-teens and adolescents, All the problems we thought were ours alone - and surely due to our personal mismanagement - are explained here in this clear and well-constructed publication. Easy to read, it tackles with honesty all circumstances from bed-wetting to suicide attempts, lying to exploitation, sexuality to addictions and self-injury to protection of siblings. It also offers reassurance, encouragement and strategies allowing you to recognise and reach out to the child who hurts. -- Foster Care [Reviewed with First Steps] 'The holistic approach makes it particularly relevant to occupational therapists. They will be pleased to see references to neurological development and a mention of the value of sensory integration for some children whose trauma has caused tactile defensiveness or some other sensory problem. However, the majority of the chapters rightly deal with the psychological aspects. The focus on parents and carers does not prevent realistic advice on when to seek help from professionals. A sympathetic understanding of the children's feelings is balanced by a real concern for the needs of carers and the rest of the family. There is a clear recognition that firm boundaries are essential and there is frequent emphasis on positive approaches... I have found "Tykes and Teens" so supportive in my work with children who hurt and their foster or adoptive families that I am recommending it to parents and colleagues alike. I also recommend it to all NAPOT members who are involved in this field.' -- NAPOT Journal ...this is a clear, sensitive and extremely practical handbook which looks at the reasons behind difficult behaviour, especially the effects of early trauma in a child's life, as well as suggesting strategies for dealing with it... This is a must-have book for adopters and foster carers and is also highly recommended for ordinary parents and step-parents whose children hurt for other reasons. If you are only in the early stages of considering adopting or fostering, it may open your eyes to issues you have not considered but try not to let its realism put you off unnecessarily. Not all children who have been through the care system have extreme problems, especially if they are given the sensitive support suggested here. -- Adoption and Fostering This book follows on logically from the First Steps book and continues the challenging journey through childhood and into adolescence... In essence this is a book about love, and the ability to express it towards the adopted child, despite persistent and often extreme tests of that love. The author uses innovative imagery to explain the effects of emotional trauma early in the adopted child's life which may result in the "scared kid", the "stuffed kid" and finally the "superkid". The "looking glass" model is particularly effective at describing the marked perceptual differences that may arise between the child and the parent... A large section of the book is devoted to a review of specific sensitive situations that commonly arise... These range from bedwetting to stealing to self-injury and suicide. No attempt is made to offer all the answers and indeed the author emphasises that only the parent will know what is right for their own particular family and set of circumstances. This is another excellent book which draws on the real experiences of many adoptive parents and their families... For some the solutions suggested will not prove appropriate and for others very different problems will arise. However the basic tenets of the book deserve the widest possible readership amongst all those involved with adoptive children. -- Ed Abrahamson, Consultant Paediatrician, for Adoption UK Journal The author's basic premise is that all children who have been adopted or placed in long-term care have undergone some form of psychological hurt. She argues that while some children will be more resilient to this hurt than others, many children will need their hurt to be acknowledged by their parents/carers, and be allowed to grieve for their losses in order to move forward to a life of greater well-being and fulfillment. [The book begins] by exploring such issues as bringing a child home, child development and what to do when things "don't seem quite right". Other issues covered are the effects of trauma on a child, and how to handle specific difficulties that may arise with an adopted child. -- Family Matters Next Steps deals with "tykes and teens". It looks at... potential hazards, such as addictive behaviour, sexual acting out and drug and alcohol use, all now, arguably, the birth-right of any parent. Of particular use here is a section called "Principles into Practice" where a range of scenarios is proposed with possible outcomes. These could also serve as training material...grounded in hard won experience. -- Community Care

Review

If you don't buy another book buy this one. For adoptive parents and foster carers, and for professionals working in either field, this is a must. Here the perplexing behaviours that drive us to despair and seriously threaten relationships, are explored with great sensitivity and a depth of understanding that has long been awaited. Caroline Archer draws upon new medical research to illustrate the changes to the brain and development of young people who have endured early trauma, and uses first hand experiences to provide a practical guide to the egg-shell-strewn daily journey with pre-teens and adolescents, All the problems we thought were ours alone – and surely due to our personal mismanagement – are explained here in this clear and well-constructed publication. Easy to read, it tackles with honesty all circumstances from bed-wetting to suicide attempts, lying to exploitation, sexuality to addictions and self-injury to protection of siblings. It also offers reassurance, encouragement and strategies allowing you to recognise and reach out to the child who hurts. (Foster Care)

[Reviewed with First Steps] 'The holistic approach makes it particularly relevant to occupational therapists. They will be pleased to see references to neurological development and a mention of the value of sensory integration for some children whose trauma has caused tactile defensiveness or some other sensory problem. However, the majority of the chapters rightly deal with the psychological aspects. The focus on parents and carers does not prevent realistic advice on when to seek help from professionals. A sympathetic understanding of the children's feelings is balanced by a real concern for the needs of carers and the rest of the family. There is a clear recognition that firm boundaries are essential and there is frequent emphasis on positive approaches… I have found “Tykes and Teens” so supportive in my work with children who hurt and their foster or adoptive families that I am recommending it to parents and colleagues alike. I also recommend it to all NAPOT members who are involved in this field.' (NAPOT Journal)

…this is a clear, sensitive and extremely practical handbook which looks at the reasons behind difficult behaviour, especially the effects of early trauma in a child's life, as well as suggesting strategies for dealing with it… This is a must-have book for adopters and foster carers and is also highly recommended for ordinary parents and step-parents whose children hurt for other reasons. If you are only in the early stages of considering adopting or fostering, it may open your eyes to issues you have not considered but try not to let its realism put you off unnecessarily. Not all children who have been through the care system have extreme problems, especially if they are given the sensitive support suggested here. (Adoption and Fostering)

This book follows on logically from the First Steps book and continues the challenging journey through childhood and into adolescence… In essence this is a book about love, and the ability to express it towards the adopted child, despite persistent and often extreme tests of that love. The author uses innovative imagery to explain the effects of emotional trauma early in the adopted child's life which may result in the “scared kid”, the “stuffed kid” and finally the “superkid”. The “looking glass” model is particularly effective at describing the marked perceptual differences that may arise between the child and the parent… A large section of the book is devoted to a review of specific sensitive situations that commonly arise… These range from bedwetting to stealing to self-injury and suicide. No attempt is made to offer all the answers and indeed the author emphasises that only the parent will know what is right for their own particular family and set of circumstances. This is another excellent book which draws on the real experiences of many adoptive parents and their families… For some the solutions suggested will not prove appropriate and for others very different problems will arise. However the basic tenets of the book deserve the widest possible readership amongst all those involved with adoptive children. (Ed Abrahamson, Consultant Paediatrician, for Adoption UK Journal)

The author's basic premise is that all children who have been adopted or placed in long-term care have undergone some form of psychological hurt. She argues that while some children will be more resilient to this hurt than others, many children will need their hurt to be acknowledged by their parents/carers, and be allowed to grieve for their losses in order to move forward to a life of greater well-being and fulfillment. [The book begins] by exploring such issues as bringing a child home, child development and what to do when things “don't seem quite right”. Other issues covered are the effects of trauma on a child, and how to handle specific difficulties that may arise with an adopted child. (Family Matters)

Next Steps deals with “tykes and teens”. It looks at... potential hazards, such as addictive behaviour, sexual acting out and drug and alcohol use, all now, arguably, the birth-right of any parent. Of particular use here is a section called “Principles into Practice” where a range of scenarios is proposed with possible outcomes. These could also serve as training material…grounded in hard won experience. (Community Care)

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Customer Reviews

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Top Customer Reviews

Format: Paperback
This book is aimed at adoptive and long-term foster parents of children who 'hurt' - perhaps as a result of previous experiences of inconsistent parenting, abuse, neglect, or the loss of their biological parents. It is a sequel to First Steps in Parenting the Child who Hurts: Tiddlers and Toddlers, by the same author. Knowledge of the earlier book is helpful, although not essential, when reading this second work, which deals with issues faced by some older children.
In Next Steps, Archer describes some useful parenting skills. These include the importance of clear communication and honesty; facing up to problems rather than denying them; different ways of offering positive feedback; the use of humour and of engaging in fun activities with the young person; the necessity of parents 'taking control' in certain circumstances, but only taking on the battles which they feel they can and must win; and the wisdom of seeking outside help at times. She describes steps which may help both the child and the parent to acknowledge feelings (including anger) and deal with them appropriately. Archer is sensitive to the needs of the parents as well as those of the children. She stresses the importance of parents looking after themselves and finding their own support, and not blaming themselves for their child's problems. Parents are reminded not to neglect other children in the family.
After some general introductory chapters, Archer describes specific difficulties. She presents two scenarios involving aggressive young people, and lists a variety of possible responses to each scenario, outlining the positive and negative features of each response.
The final chapter is entitled 'sensitive situations'.
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As a child and adolescent mental health worker I recommend this book regularly where there have been attachment difficulties in the past.

I strongly disagree with the previous reviewer. It is easy to feel overwhelmed by 'psycho-babble' but when it comes to children who have been neglected or abused you need to know what you are dealing with before you can deal with it.

The theory is dealt with in less than 40 pages, and in a mostly accessible way. Some of it does lose me a bit, but if I stick with it it makes sense. Not bad for such as mammoth topic as Attachment.

The next 30 pages deal with the underlying principles of how to parent a child who has a difficult attachment history. This section is a little haphazard in that it gives lots of 'bite sized' advice rather than a lengthy text.

The next 20 pages give two scenerios and systematically link the underlying principles to actual behaviours.

The remainder of the book, nearly 100 pages gives detailed advice for specific situation, each clearly indexed. These include bedwetting, aggression, lying, stealing and self-harm behaviour.

The book finishes with a glossary of terms to help explain the 'psycho-babble.'

So work it out for yourself, 40 pages of theory to help you make sense of 150 pages of practical suggestions.

It may have some weaknesses but if you approach this book with a willingness to really make sense of where a child who has been abused or neglected is coming from before you react, then it really is a useful resource.
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Format: Paperback
This books presents important attachment theory and parenting strategy. The content is excellent at helping adoptive parents understand the reasons for their child's behaviour, and presenting practical strategies to provide the child with love. Providing both the psychological theory and ways to use it to help your child is very good.

The reason I'm not giving this a higher rating is that I found the presentation makes it almost impossible to read and take in the theory. The author likes bold print, underlining and italics - she likes them very, very much. Presented with A4 pages of stressed, highlighted text was phsycially very difficult to read - I found that my eyes would refuse to deal with the text, and I'd hate to think what it would have been like trying to read with dyslexia or a sight impairment. It also had the cumulative effect that I felt I was constantly being shouted at and browbeaten by the author.

There are far more readable books presenting similar theory and strategies about parenting adopted and/or traumatised children out there.
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Format: Paperback
If you were training to be a psychiatrist perhaps this book would be of interest.
However, this is not the book for you if, like me ,you are an adoptive parent looking for some practical suggestions for dealing with difficult behavioural problems and the anger and sense of loss suffered by our daughter. To me this book seemed full of the psycho-babble so beloved by our Social Worker.
It's very heavy on theory but in my opinion is lacking in the practical advice Department.
Incidentally, if the book did contain lots of practical suggestions I doubt that you would be able to find them, as it is without exception, the worst professionally laid out and typeset book I have ever purchased. Poor design, choice of small fonts, haphazardly set out, mean that very little stands out, so reading this book is very hard work.
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