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Neurodiverse Relationships: Autistic and Neurotypical Partners Share Their Experiences Paperback – 18 July 2019

4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 79 ratings
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Comprised of the accounts of twelve heterosexual couples in which the man is on the Autism Spectrum, this book invites both partners to discuss their own perspectives of different key issues, including anxiety, empathy, employment and socialising. Autism expert Tony Attwood contributes a commentary and a question and answer section for each of the twelve accounts. The first book of its kind to provide perspectives from both sides of a relationship on a variety of different topics, Neurodiverse Relationships is the perfect companion for couples in neurodiverse relationships who are trying to understand one another better.
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  1. Print length
    216 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publication date
    18 July 2019
  4. Dimensions
    13.8 x 1.8 x 21.4 cm
  5. ISBN-10
    1787750280
  6. ISBN-13
    978-1787750289
  7. See all details
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Review

This is a revolutionary book: it looks at each issue from the point of view of both AS and NT partners. So both gain, even more with Tony Attwood's comments. It is really really helpful. -- Susanna Todd, Director of Different Together, NT spouse

One of the most informative, realistic and useful books I have read on the topic of AS/non-AS relationships. This book is totally unique and unlike any other I have read. It offers the reader an insight into both perspectives of an AS/non-AS relationship as both partners share honestly and openly how they experience each other. In addition, Professor Tony Attwood offers his valuable experience, expertise and knowledge explaining and answering questions at the end of each couple section. It is guaranteed that any reader in a similar situation will find themselves identifying with the couples in this superb book. I highly recommend this book for couples, individuals and professionals who work in this area.

Well done Joanna for putting this book together and thank you for making me smile with your humorous sketches!

-- Maxine Aston, author of The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome, Aspergers in Love and The Asperger Couples Workbook

A treasure trove of experiences, perspectives and strategies to enlighten and inspire every professional's practice, Neurodiverse Relationships is a unique collection of relationship stories and a glimpse into the diversity of AS/NT relationships with invaluable insights on the most significant challenges neurodiverse couples are navigating together. -- Natalie Roberts, Asperger's Relationship Coach and Mentor

Finally a perspective on neurodiverse relationship dynamics for yourselves, family and friends! This book gives experiential description showing the impact of the array of inherent differences.
I found Tony Attwood's comments at the end of each chapter immensely helpful because they put into context each partner's experience in a meaningful way.
Highly recommended!

-- Clare Hargrave, Early Childhood Education Specialist, NT spouse

Book Description

Twelve couples share their experiences including the challenges and benefits autism can bring to a relationship

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Jessica Kingsley Publishers (18 July 2019)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 216 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1787750280
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1787750289
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 13.8 x 1.8 x 21.4 cm
  • Customer reviews:
    4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 79 ratings

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  1. Tony Attwood

    Tony Attwood

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    Joanna Pike

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Customer reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
79 global ratings

Top reviews from United Kingdom

shantismum
5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 20 October 2019
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This is a book that I believe everyone in a neurodiverse relationship will benefit from reading. I am an NT wife and I have been reading anything I can get my hands on in the last year to help in my marriage to an Aspie. it was really useful to read about other couples experiences written from both perspectives. Tony Attwoods input priceless wisdom. Thank you to everyone involved in writing it.
5 people found this helpful
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Kaye O’ Donnell
5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic insight
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 16 November 2019
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This has to be one of the best reads about Aspergers I have read. Short chapters about couples one AS and the other NT and having Tony Attwood at the end of each chapter giving sound advice about the subject in each chapter. Definitely worth the price of book.
2 people found this helpful
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Pinkmat
5.0 out of 5 stars Good insight into living in an NT/AS world
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 20 October 2019
As I am in this kind of relationship I found it illuminating to read of other couples and then Tony attwoods remarks. We have no problem with the term Aspie. I would highly recommend this book. It is not unkind to Aspies. It is helpful in every way and might be enlightening for NT/NT relationships as well.
5 people found this helpful
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EllaP
1.0 out of 5 stars Deeply patronising and unbalanced book.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 22 September 2019
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This is a deeply damaging and unfair perspective on autistic individuals. If read widely, which I sincerely hope it isn't, it will only serve to cause further harm to the already vulnerable autistic community.
From the outset the book states it is "the perfect companion for couples in neurodiverse (ND) relationships who are trying to understand one another better" but it only has autistic males and neurotypical (NT) females. So balance out of the window immediately.
The book ignores the fact that autism is a very-nuanced spectrum, and focuses and portrays those with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) as geeky Sheldon-type male. Such ignorance displayed by comments such as that made by "trained clinical psychologist" Liz who, after her husband scored 32 [out of 50] on the AAA test stated "My 'mildly autistic' husband was not so mild at all!". Given there is no such thing as "mild” autism and more importantly, the type of autism is most certainly not determined by the score on the AAA test (which is NOT diagnostic), it is incredible that a book with extensive input from "world expert" Tony Attwood(TA) allows such an ill-informed statement to be made.
TA is the professional contributor to the book – providing several pages of comments of each couple’s story. Having heard TA speak at the Different Together Couples conference in May 2019 I heard first-hand all his jokes at expense of autistic people. He continues this ableist narrative in this book showing a shocking lack of respect for autistic people with his constant use of offensive terms and generalisations. Aside from his constant use of the pejorative term “the Aspie” (which the NAS discourage), examples include:
P27: Speaking "Aspergerese": "In relationship counselling I speak Aspergerese in terms of fighting Aspie with Aspie".
P28: Being “Aspergated” and how a NT can be "infected" by autism: "yes it is absolutely a case of Asperger's being infectious" and then goes on to say on p46 "Asperger's is infectious one-way - you hope, as an NT, that you are going to change the Aspie. No, if you did that you would get the Nobel prize for science and peace""
In several instances he, as do several of the female contributors, perpetuates the myth of autistic people having no empathy; there is no attempt to explain that whilst we may struggle with cognitive empathy, we do not generally struggle with affective empathy. This book (and the Different Together website) simply refers to empathy. This is a hugely damaging myth and it is disgraceful that TA has not used this platform to educate the audience.
He then goes on to make sweeping generalisations about autistic people. It is very convenient for him to handpick parts of each NT story and explain any negative instances as being due to their partner's autism. For example:
Page 45 Q: Karen talks about how she always seems to be the one at fault, in David's opinion. Why is this?
It's the Aspie's Teflon coating - "nothing sticks on me". It's their comforting mechanism throughout their life for having made so many errors.
Page 62 Q:Why is shouting and irritability often the packaging that AS use to communicate?
TA: Because they don't know how to be subtle, there are only intense emotions. So when any emotion is attached to what they do, it's at maximum volume.
Then there is the inconsistency and contradiction which is convenient for twisting the narrative to further disparage autistic people:
From p192: Why do so many people with AS seem to be able to cope with the demands of work but are not able to cope with the softer demands of home?
Because, work for the most part is predictable and the Aspie knows what is expected of them
Whilst on p110: Why can it be so hard for people with Asperger's syndrome to hold down a job?
Often this can be because of the social demands in that setting and the need, within most jobs, for flexibility in planning.
Many contributors to the book also ignore the genuine suffering of autistic people; to get a formal diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome, its needs to be shown that you suffer a "clinically significant impairment in everyday life” as a result of AS. Nowhere is this really covered - it is only the "suffering" of the NT that is considered. So how can this book possible state it is a “perfect companion” to a ND relationships?
I am not saying that ND relationships are straightforward, but to attribute all problems to the autistic partner, and none to the NT partner, is deeply unfair. As TA said himself at the Different Together conference “I wish NT people could see some of the damage they do to autistic people” (one of the few autism-friendly things he said). The empathy goes both ways.
And this book is an example of the lack of empathy that NT’s have towards autistic people and I sincerely hope some readers of the book look at other, more balanced, sources of information.
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Top reviews from other countries

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DANILO de Sá
5.0 out of 5 stars Recebido.
Reviewed in Brazil on 5 October 2022
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Consegui receber.
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Deborah Rome
5.0 out of 5 stars Learned a lot
Reviewed in the United States on 24 September 2020
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I liked the conversational style and the format of he said she said then what the author/therapist said. It gave lots of good ideas about dealing with neuro diverse people
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Jennifer
5.0 out of 5 stars Understanding differences in neurodiverse Relationships
Reviewed in Australia on 1 November 2020
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Helpful guide to understand perspectives from Aspergers and Neurotypical Couples
Excellent commentary by expert Tony Atwood on common areas of miscommunication/blocks in relationships. Loved the commonly asked questions and responses by Tony Atwood.
Helpful tips and follow up for both NT and ASD individuals to set realistic expectations within relationships and take responsibility for their actions to set up social interactions for greater success.
Helpful to see how couples had implemented these recommendations from Tony Atwood and had improvements in relationships/self regulation etc.
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Elijah Logozar
4.0 out of 5 stars Realistic Stories
Reviewed in the United States on 20 August 2021
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I enjoyedNeurodiverse Relationshipsconsiderably and read it in one day. It is much better than22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome,which was extremely pessimistic without offering much value. Neurodiverse relationships explore 12 topics where Aspies typically have issues and then offer autobiographical narratives from Aspie and their Neurotypical partner. I liked this approach quite a lot, as it made reading this book flow quite easily, and the difficulty is low without compromising much accuracy. And given that this book is mainly written for the layman NT (neurotypical) who wants to accommodate or better understand their Aspie partner, I think the authors did a good job.

I have some reservations about offering five stars, however. First, not all of the advice is technically precise, and as an Aspie, I can anchor on the details. For example, in the meltdowns chapter, the author recommends getting a heart rate monitor so that the Aspie can notice if his heart rate reaches 135-140 BPM and use this as an analytic indicator that something is wrong to take action. In general, this would be good advice, but it's just not technically accurate. Gottman has made clear in some of his empirical science books on relationships that physiological flooding happens at around 100 BPM, and at 135+, it's just too late for effective self-control. There were a few other minor errors, but nothing special, and overall this book is quite instructive and easy to read. The other reason why I didn't offer 5-stars is the slightly pessimistic tone, saying things like 'in general the NT partner will need to compromise 70/30 percent in favor of the Aspie' or 'You can't expect the Aspie to meet your social needs that a neurotypical partner can so you will need to lower expectations on some things and meet those needs elsewhere', etc.

While phrased in a reasonable way and the majority of cases are probably accurate, it gets on my nerves to hear implications that an Aspie can't effectively feel social situations or apply empathy. As someone with Aspergers who is turning relationships/social psychology into one of my special interests to accommodate the social environment better, I've personally experienced tremendous success at learning some aspects of this. For example, I can easily empathize in general, provided that I know that empathy is the proper response. I'm specializing in most of the social skills that this author implies aren't reasonable for Asperger's people to learn.

To be fair, I have now read around 45-50 relationship books and intend to read ~15-30 more, not to mention at least ten months of deliberate practice regarding social skills such as empathetic listening, so I won't claim this is anywhere near easy for me. I still make basic mistakes and sometimes miss social cues or basic emotional implications behind words, so I suppose my situation shows how difficult it is for Aspies to learn to feel the social environment intuitively. Still, I would like to offer some hope that it is possible. Of course, the Aspie will have to care and analytically understand what needs to be done - but he can learn! Therefore, I recommend this book with the reservation that I don't believe it is impossible for Aspergers to meet a neurotypical partner's emotional needs, even if there will at times be miscommunication.

Update - 1 day after writing my review: I have now read the 1-star review that claims that 'Neurodiverse Relationships' is patronizing to people with autism. This could very well be true, but as an Aspie who naturally notices facts before feelings when reading text - especially given that I can't read body language online, I didn't notice. This emphasizes the difference between how Aspies and neurotypicals process information, but if you filter out any possible bias then the author has a lot of worthwhile ideas.
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