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on 15 May 2011
This book was easy to understand, with the different stages of love outlined, suddenly made mine and my boyfriend of 4 years' issues understandable and actually quite common. Things had gotten so bad we had cancelled the wedding and were on our way to living separate lives.

I purchased this book and also another book, in case this one didn't work - a 'get over your breakup book'...
I started reading 'I love you but I'm not in love with you', which is explained in such a way that didn't make me sad, confused - or blame myself. It was just the facts - people fall in love and then when they start to get to know their partners 'real' self (cos we all act on our best behavior in the beginning) we get on each others nerves and the old "grass is greener syndrome" kicks in... Friction begins and turns into arguements that go from "you didn't put the bin out!" into "You A-hole!" And who'd want to stay in THAT kind of negative relationship? Separate beds/bedrooms... No intimacy and nothing but hurt emotions in the air, like a thick foggy layer of denseness... Because if you are 'cured' of your afflictions - you will think that your falling out was a bit, well, dense!

You may think its all over... That there is no where to go but to split up... But DO NOT GIVE UP! TRY THIS BOOK! If you still butt heads and none of the exercises worked for you then there is a chapter at the back of the book 'if the worst comes to the worst'. But hopefully it won't!
It worked for me and my boyfriend (yes the amazing thing is... we fell back in love!) After everything bad that'd happened, and it had been bad for approx 2 years... we discovered 'limerence' again, only this time it is so much better because we know each other for REAL! Our best and worst parts accepted and loved anyway.
Without any 'buts' in our 'I love you's' anymore! We communicate, aim to meet each others needs with good old give and take my grandparents practice - and voila! 'I love you but' turns into 'I love you. You are my everything'. He even mentioned marriage and children recently - OMG!

Nobody said relationships are easy! They take effort to maintain. But if you want to spend your life with your partner, and they want to spend their life with you, then it is worth ALL that effort. It does not cure everything overnight. The book gets you thinking and helps pave the way but ultimately it is you AND your partner TOGETHER who have to want to try to resuscitate your dying love.

And in case you were wondering, that 'breakup book' I bought is now helping raise a little money for Dove House Hospice charity!

Good luck and I wish you all limerence! :o)
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on 11 July 2009
This book was helpful, it really was. If there is still a commitment to eachother, and you are BOTH willing to work on what is wrong, the advice in here is spot on. Divorce is a terrible way to 'solve' anything, he is right on this (don't do it!). What he fails to mention is that it takes two people to make a relationship, but only one to break it.

Unfortunately, what the author leaves out entirely in this book, is that this phrase (and it's variants) is known as 'The Speech'.

If The Speech is being uttered by a man, he has already emotionally checked out of the marriage and you won't get through to him, no matter what you say or do. A very old fashioned saying: a man only leaves if there is a woman in his bed or in his head.

Dear woman reader, if your husband has given you The Speech, HE IS ALREADY HAVING AN AFFAIR and the books you need to read are in the infidelity and (especially if he is 40-50 years old) the midlife crisis section. Why? Because being 'in love' is a mutual admiration-based exciting infatuation which he is already in, and which convinces him that what you have (routine, everyday) isn't love. A fantasy for him (being a delusion, 90% of affairs fail), the beginning of a nightmare for you both.
It doesn't mean your marriage is over and it could be the kickstart you need, but in this crisis you find yourself in, this book won't help you yet.
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on 8 June 2016
This book helped me figure stuff out.
I am one of those people who sees a problem and wants to fix it no matter what. If there is a leaky pipe in the house I will buy a plumbing manual and learn all I can about plumbing then tackle the issue.
I done the same when my marriage fell apart, we had been together 10 years, married for 4 and it was just after our 10 year anniversary when things started going wrong.
She didn't so much tell me she was no longer in love with me but thats what it came down to. We talked for hours, argued and she left for a while.
I then picked up this book and read through it, I laughed a lot us fall into the same traps as so many others, doing the same things, coming to the same conclusions.
I then had a real good sit down chat with my wife and with the help of this book we came to the conclussion that we were no good married, it was not going to work but we still had a fantastic relationship, 10 years of memories and we have been through hell and back.
With the help of this book and a little councilling we have remained friends and are working towards staying friends.

In saying that this is not a magic wand and things need to be worked on. Ego needs to be put aside and a lot of things need to be worked on.
Only time will tell but I am still glad I bought this book.

Will it save your marriage?
Will it save your relationship?

there are no gaurantees to life, no absolutles. Just try.
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on 20 June 2012
I bought this book after my wife of 5 years dropped the bombshell that she no longer was 'in love' with me. I'd known something was amiss for a few weeks, but the realisation that she felt so uncertain of her emotional connection to me that she sought comfort from a previous partner through email communication was devastating. Reading this book reassured me that I'm not alone - lots of people suffer this same horrible realisation.

I found it very easy to read (took only a couple of days reading on and off) and it contains lots of really useful reflective tools. However, the biggest problem with it is that to really work, it needs both parties to engage in the process. My wife has been reluctant to accept that, though she is sure she wants to find her way back to loving me, there is anything she can or needs to do to achieve this goal.

I'm pleased that she is now reading the book, and we will be working through it together. Whether it will work only time will tell, but it is a platform for us to work from. Worth a read for anyone who's trying to understand the starnge nature of love!
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on 11 February 2016
This book did not grab me unfortunately. However, I must say to people looking at buying this book that there is hope to move on. I was heartbroken to the point of vomiting bile (literal love-sickness) and ....nearly nine years of dreaming about the same person, I have found the one I want to be with forever (and it's not the ex!). I am not saying you will ever find love just like that again, only that you can find something different, but more rewarding in retrospect. Stop dreaming and start living, because there's much more fun and life in you than deserves to be wasted on someone who chooses not to reciprocate. Be free and love again. All the best to you all
Hope is not lost :)
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on 24 July 2017
I found this book useful, informed and clearly written . It draws on established research and I thought it very balanced. It discusses different ways to express love and how partners could be mis-matched in their styles, so each partner is being loving in their own way, but the other doesn't feel loved. It also encourages partners to explore what unexpressed beliefs they hold carried forwards from childhood into the current relationship. I was challenged by the section when he states that each individual in a relationship usually has equal responsibility for a given problem - my contribution was a failure to talk about my feelings much earlier because I didn't want to cause upset. I didn't work through the exercises, but some readers may find them useful, simply reflecting on the text was helpful to me. I skipped the last few sections on what happens if you do break up because the understanding I had gained gave me hope, energy and tools to move forwards and improve my current situation. If you are looking for a self-help book for your relationship and have got as far as this review, I'd encourage you to make the purchase.
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on 22 June 2009
It occurred to me that rather than reading books about how to break up 'successfully' (whatever that means!), perhaps I should buy a book reflecting the situation hubby and me found ourselves in. Rings off, house for sale - such a labryinth of unhappiness, just awful. This book is a breath of fresh air and like nothing I have read before - it definitely told me lots of new stuff. It was like it was written for us - reflecting what we were going through and most importantly helped me to understand some of the reasons why we had got there and how to CHANGE those reasons I could and ACCEPT those reasons I couldn't. This book made an immediate impact and just 2 months later we celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary by putting our rings back on. One of the 'best buys' of my life.
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on 3 November 2007
Unfortunately for me it was too late when the book did arrive as my girlfriend called off the relationship. Much as my now ex thought it was absurd that a book was going to cure everything I found some good constructive advice and our own failings which was that we never argued properly instead tip toeing around each other. The book did reflect a lot that had gone on with us, and i feel both men and women will find something to aid them in their relationship. I particularly enjoyed it as it was written from a british perspective and was more grounded in reality rather than the 'alternative reality' we often see from across the pond. If your relationship is rock bottom try this book for a new angle, it is not a magic bullet just explains that 'smart' thinking may find you a path back to love again. I only wish we were together to tell you if the advice would of worked in practice...
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on 4 March 2014
This book was written for me and it seems from the reviews for a lot of other people too. My husband are reading it through together and have had the first sparks of hope since the 'ILYB' conversation. Neither of us have felt loved but have been desperately loving each other for years. Step Three: TARGET was the turning point for us. I think we may actually pull through this together yet we have never been so close to separating even our son has noticed we are talking more and not shouting. Thank you Andrew Marshall for this.
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on 13 September 2012
Really cannot rate this book highly enough.

I was in despair three years ago when I felt the light had gone out of mine and my husband's relationship and there was no way back. This book helped me to re-evaluate my relationship with him, my relationships with people in general and, most importantly, my relationship with myself.

I found it after searching for 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' (without any knowledge of the book) in Google, hoping beyond hope that the internet would provide some answer to what I was going through - and hey presto! It did.

My husband and I are now very contented in our relationship... it's not perfect, but that's what makes it after all - 'the grit in the Oyster that makes the pearl' as Marshall calls it. I should mention that we weren't married when we went through our difficulties, but made the important and life-affirming decision to do so one year ago.

Quite simply this book put me on the right track and showed me that, with effort and willing on both sides, the spark can be reignited.
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