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Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology) by [Solomon, Marion, Tatkin, Stan]
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Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology) Kindle Edition

5.0 out of 5 stars 2 customer reviews

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After completing the first reading of this wonderful text, this reviewer reflected that Maurice Merleau-Ponty, pioneering phenomenologist of the intersubjectively lived body, would have resonated positively to the deeply insightful thematic content and the creatively conceived experiential techniques and therapeutic experiments of this ground-scaffolding, psychobiologically informed text.

This book should be part of the working library of any clinician whose practice is informed by the ongoing paradigm shift in psychotherapy.--Allan N. Schore, PhD, UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine

Reading this book was a sheer pleasure, and I did not skip a word. It is an artful theoretical and clinical integration with no wasted words....In this innovative couple therapy, they have documented the healing power of couples learning to take care of each other and put to rest the myth of the healing capacity of the autonomous self. I recommend this instructive book to all therapists....I hope this project gets lots of deserved attention.--Harville Hendrix, PhD, author of Getting the Love You Want

I found this book full of new ideas for me, providing me with new thoughts, feelings and skills, even though I have been practicing therapy with couples for more than three decades. Simply put, this is the most transformative book on psychotherapy I have read in a long time.

What a gift! Solomon and Tatkin offer us the most illuminating and creative work on couples therapy to be published in a long time. Through a variety of cases, they artfully explain why loving partners go to war with each other and then give a fascinating demonstration of how to apply biology, physiology, attachment and arousal regulation in moment to-moment interactions. This book will be stimulating, immediately practical and eye-opening no matter what theoretical orientation you use.--Ellyn Bader, PhD, Director, The Couples Institute"

A new lens on couple therapy, this book will revolutionize the way you work with partners and transform your view of relationships. The authors skillfully translate ideas from neuroscience, regulation theory, mindfulness, and attachment research into hopeful, practical and accessible interventions for working with the here and now experience of couples in therapy.--Pat Ogden PhD, Founder/Director, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute, and author, Trauma and the Body

For clinicians who are in search of practical examples to complement theory, the case illustrations offered by Solomon and Tatkin are a tremendous resource .[A]n easy and insightful read."

About the Author

Marion Solomon is director of clinical training at the Lifespan Learning Institute. Stan Tatkin maintains a practice in Calabasas, California.

Product details

  • Format: Kindle Edition
  • File Size: 496 KB
  • Print Length: 289 pages
  • Page Numbers Source ISBN: 0393705757
  • Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company (11 April 2011)
  • Sold by: Amazon Media EU S.à r.l.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B004FN1ELC
  • Text-to-Speech: Not enabled
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  • Word Wise: Enabled
  • Enhanced Typesetting: Not Enabled
  • Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars 2 customer reviews
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #75,696 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Format: Hardcover
The reviews from Therapists on Amazon.com give a very good overview of why they loved this book. But as a couple who read a marriage enrichment book every year together - this book stands out as absolutely one of the best. The dynamic which causes my wife to stress and put that on me is clearly put. And I found myself so clearly written about - and why I am the way I am. Understanding each other better is half the problem solved already. The examples of how the therapists help the couples move towards connection are clear, and the theory as to how we repair many of our ongoing relationship difficulties is spot on.

Brilliant piece of work. We loved reading it together because we could see each other so clearly - and this allowed us to talk more deeply about our issues - and how we can manage each other without blame.
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Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
The book is good...the section on AAI was especially. Useful
It is easy to read and difficult to put down.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)

Amazon.com: 4.8 out of 5 stars 23 reviews
23 of 23 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars More than Detente 18 Dec. 2011
By Kindle Customer - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
I have been a Clinical Psychologist for 35 years and a Psychoanalyst for 26 years. During that time I have sampled, studied and attempted to integrate many styles and schools of thought.
After discovering an article about Stan Tatkin on the internet a couple of years ago, I have been tracking his work and finally was rewarded with "Love and War In Intimate Relationships" as well as getting to know him somewhat personally thru occasional e-mail conversations about his work, and the Study Groups that he conducts around the country. My wife and I are finally going to join one of his year long groups next month.
Marion Solomon and Stan Tatkin have revolutionized Couples Therapy and built their approach upon many previous couples theorists and therapists. Marion Solomon's excellent first chapter in the book outlines what preceded their work. I was particularly pleased to discover that they saw the work of Harville Hendrix as an important forerunner as "Getting the Love You Want" was the most recommended book to my patients for 25 years.
Not only did they pay respect to their predecessors, but they have brilliantly integrated the best of two other important trends in understanding human relationship functioning. One comes from the field of Neuroscience, gleaned from both authors long study with Alan Schore at UCLA. whose brilliant work I had previously read from a psychoanalytic perspective. I was fascinated with how Solomon and Tatkin have integrated the human brain into their description of how marriages do and don't work.
Additionally, they bring into their understanding of marriage and individual relationships the huge body of knowledge coming originally from John Bowlby, the British psychiatrist/psychoanalyst whose work, in post WWII work with homeless and orphaned children led to his discovery and early understanding of Human Attachment. His work was originally ignored by established psychoanalysis but in recent years has been brought into the mainstream psychotherapeutic understanding of human relationships, most prominently by Peter Fonagy and Mary Target, also of Great Britain. In Academic Psychology, Mary Main at UC Berkeley has amassed a tremendous amount of information about Adult Attachment and developed a wonderful research instrument, The Adult Attachment Interview, which Solomon and Tatkin have creatively integrated into their technique and theoretical approach, making their book hard to ignore by mental health practitioners of most every persuasion.
In the short time that my wife and I have been employing the knowledge from this book in our private practices,teaching, and our personal lives, our patients, students, and other family members have benefited. Our clinical work is becoming more effective and I have actually encouraged many patients to read "Love and War..." as a way to speed up their insight into their individual and relational issues. I have introduced the book to Clinical Psychology grad students and Psychiatric residents in a course and series of talks I gave at the local medical school. Senior faculty at the school have remarked to me how impressed they have been with the students carrying around copies of the book and actively talking to fellow students about what they are learning from it and how they have 'discovered' new, fun things in their personal relationships.
I think "Love and War...." is currently invading the mindset of Couples Therapists around the country with the help of the active teaching by both of the authors and the many Study Groups that have been organized. I think it will eventually become a classic in the literature on Couples Therapy and also have a large impact on the work with individual patients. Finally, I think their Welcome Home Exercise, introduced late in the book, has the potential to change every couple who practices it whether they enter treatment or not.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Little too much neurobiology 1 April 2015
By MindTx - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
I approached this book with an interest in adult attachment, interpersonal neurobiology and marriage counseling which I practice using a synthesis of The Gottman Method and Sue Johnson's work on Emotion-focused Therapy. Throughout this book, the authors argue that 'love' and 'war' between couples can be better recognized and understood by an awareness of each partners physiological arousal, adult attachment style and presenting need for safety. Through brief use of case studies, the authors describe some fascinating exercises involving touch and proximity between couples to reveal clues about attachment, safety and comfort. They go on to describe in depth the neurobiological correlates of the many interactional moments that we will see between couples in a state of love or war. The book ends with a lovely up-to-date summary of the systems within the Autonomic Nervous System and the Limbic Hypothalamic Pituitary Adrenal Axis which it would help to read and study before reading the book, not after.

While aimed at practicing therapists, the many descriptions of neurobiological activity was interesting but excessive. At times it felt like having a TV drama explained by a technician who paused to describe the way an LED screen emits the light that forms the story unfolding. I generally enjoy studying neurobiology but this book somehow felt off-target as a marriage counseling guide and as an introduction to interpersonal neurobiology. I also wonder if the authors hypotheses about the limbic, neuroendocrine and vagal motor activity occurring beneath the surface of each couple, while ambitious and impressive, will pass the test of time.

This is a fascinating book which impressively develops the relevance of biology in couple therapy. But in terms of clinical application, it has added few general - and fewer specific - interventions to my work as a therapist. I think the two main subjects covered in this book, Couple Therapy and Interpersonal Neuroscience, are better addressed in Sue Johnson's Emotion-focused Couple Therapy, and Louis Cozolino's The Neuroscience of Human Relationships 2nd ed., respectively.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Spectacular book about how couples can create true intimacy. 11 May 2013
By Phylis K. Stein - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
This author is a keen observer of what it takes to be a good couple, partly from his own mistakes and from his practice. This goes way beyond John Gotman's work and details the early attachment patterns that unknowingly inform the relationship between intimate partners. This is not a how to act right approach but a nuanced look at what it takes to connect. Written for therapists but totally accessible. Highly recommended for anyone who works with couples or is in one or wants to understand what happened when they were.
5.0 out of 5 stars however the explanation of how you process what your partner says to you based on your emotional response as a child is excellen 27 Feb. 2016
By Lindsay Bluth - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
The middle of the book gets a bit too deep/technical, however the explanation of how you process what your partner says to you based on your emotional response as a child is excellent; it identifies the behavior, allows you to relax into the situation and practice handling it more honestly, from a position of respect for your partner.
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Process 11 Aug. 2013
By Paul Feiger - Published on Amazon.com
Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
This book, in language meant to be communicative, provides the reader with a sound process to be used in helping couples to re-engage and enrich their relationships. Step by step instructions and the reasons behind them are illustrative of how the book progresses. The authors draw on multiple years of experience to structure a fine working tool for not only therapists, but for the general lay public. Worth the time and money much more than other, more well known publications.
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