How Could You Do This to ME? Paperback – 1 Jan 1920
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From the Inside Flap
At one time or another we have all been betrayed by someone we trusted, all felt the sting of deceit and subsequent shattering of self-confidence. And when the people we count on betray our trust, the wound is deep and long-lasting.
In "How Could You Do This to Me?, Dr. Jane Greer teaches readers: the types of people who are more at risk of betrayal the warning signs of someone who is untrustworthy a process that helps decide whether a relationship is worth saving or whether it should be abandoned.Part One discusses the roots of trust, blind trust, and the reasons betrayers betray. Part Two reveals our betrayers' many faces: admirers, users, or rivals. Part Three focuses on the fallout from betrayal: confrontation, revenge, and betrayal, and talks about how you can learn to trust your judgment and others again.
About the Author
Dr. Jane Greer is a nationally renowned marriage and family therapist, in private practice for more than twenty years. A former adjunct assistant professor at Adelphi University School of Social Work, Dr. Greer is also the coauthor of "Adult Sibling Rivalry." Dr. Greer lectures across the country on marital, sexual, and family problems, as well as on women's and sibling issues. She is a frequent guest expert on numerous national TV programs and is often interviewed by publications such as "USA Today," "The New York Times," " Ladies' Home Journal," and "Redbook." Her practice is in Manhattan.
Margery D. Rosen is a veteran freelance writer and editor who specializes in relationship, family, and parenting issues. Her articles have won awards from the American Medical Association and the American Psychiatric Association. She lives in New York City.
"From the Hardcover edition."
Top Customer Reviews
The author puts the betrayers into 3 categories: rivals (those that will do something less than savoury to push you aside), admirers (those that think you're the bees' knees and want what you have - even on a subconscious level; once they get what you have or become enough like you, they will betray you as a way to show you that you are no longer needed) and users (those who downright use you to get what they want and feel little if any guilt or remorse). My partner is really none of these. He cares and feels terrible about his behaviour but has had other issues at play (guilt, insecurity, etc, etc) which makes him do what he does. He is neither trying to out do me, become me or use me heartlessly. So, I am left at a standstill in using the book to understand him or his behaviour better and whether or not I should forgive him enough to let him back into my life.
However, it has helped me understand myself better and how I let myself get into the situation in the first place (avoiding the signs and being too much of a giver) which has helped and for this I give it three stars.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)
I agree a painful childhood can affect how you trust someone. Sometimes it hardens your heart so you never trust anyone. Other times it causes you to be too trusting, like believing if you're forthcoming with someone, they'll automatically be forthcoming with you. This blind trust can lead you to either ignore obvious signs of betrayal...or if spotted, to rationalize and minimize the truth.
But here's where it got weird:
In some parts, the author's wording minimizes lying, the very thing she argues against. For example, if you discover your friend's husband is cheating and you're thinking of telling her, the author wants you to question your motives...as if you're the guilty party here. She asks, what if the affair is "merely" a one-time fling? Your telling could ruin an otherwise great marriage.
First of all, why say "merely" a one-time fling? He's betraying his wife's trust...whether that's "merely" one time or many times, it's still betrayal. Second, if he's cheating on her, then this "great marriage" is just a façade. So it's the façade you'd be ruining, not a great marriage. You'd also be protecting a friend, which is what true friends do. I'd be furious if my friends denied me the truth, so this guilt trip is unnecessary.
Another example was how she worded the problems between married couple Jeff & Doreen and Jeff's brother, Howard. Jeff & Doreen were having marital problems, so Jeff thought being closer to his family might help matters. Howard, however, saw it as an opportunity to steal Doreen away from Jeff...and it worked. Doreen divorced Jeff and married Howard.
When describing the scenario, however, the author said Howard "stole" Doreen (putting "stole" in quotation marks). But why quotation marks? I understand Doreen wasn't kidnapped, but Howard was stealthy in getting her. Stealthy. Stealing. Stole. Where's the confusion here?
Howard shared this confusion, too. When asked to explain his actions, he shrugged his shoulders saying you can't steal what wants to be stolen. He also said it wasn't his fault the marriage was in trouble. Family members pressured Jeff to reconcile with Howard, but Jeff refused...and I don't blame him. Howard clearly had no remorse for his actions.
The author, however, accused Jeff of starting a "cold war" and said he should hear him out instead. However, I don't see how doing so would add closure. Most likely, Jeff would get roped in by an insincere apology and risk getting betrayed again. Or worse, get blamed for the betrayal. Although the author provides assertive responses in case that happens, why put yourself through that mental abuse?
Maybe what Jeff did wasn't the assertive thing to do, but to me, it's the smart thing to do. Some actions are unforgivable and it's okay sometimes to not forgive.
I do agree with the author, though, that you shouldn't be vindictive and seek revenge. That's unhealthy and only keeps you attached to the betrayer. The best revenge is moving on to a better life with a better person...a person who cherishes your trust like the precious gift it is.
Although this book contained some great info, the weird word choices sent mixed messages and caused me to question the author's stance on betrayal.
I found that I was a little overwhelmed with all the case histories that she used to illustrate her points. Maybe it is the nature of the beast, though. I don't know how she does it. But for me, and reading this book, I feel better and closer to moving on.
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