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Top Customer Reviews
Here is an example of what I mean: "Jeff finished putting on his launch suit with the help of a technician that he waved over". How about: "Jeff waved to a nearby technician who hurried over and helped him into his launch suit" or "Jeff turned and raised his arm to attract the attention of a passing technician...". What I'm saying is that a more active voice is needed throughout, whereas this just plods through a list of actions to progress the story. There is also a noticeable lack of adjectives and adverbs, making the language seem dull and remote.
One other big issue I had is that it's way too US-centric (phrases such as 'America and the rest of the world' and 'it was designed to kill Americans' abound) and it is unthinkingly president-worshipping (presidents are politicians, not demi-Gods!) This would need to be toned down for an international audience because it makes 'the rest of the world' cringe.
This story has lots of potential but it feels like a first draft. The problems could be put right with the help of an experienced editor or perhaps a creative writing course. I hope the author takes my comments as constructive criticism.
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