The Crabby Old Git stumbles across his niece and her new husband in the village wholefoods shop after their return from honeymoon at the M93 protest camp, having spent a week in wellies and avoiding the police by mooning at them from zip wires.
Being naïve for their age, they ask Crabby for advice on starting a family since they have lived in a commune for several years, but have been saving themselves for each other and don’t know ‘how to do it.’ The closest Jane’s mother came to telling them about matters carnal was to advise them to go watch some cows and horses in the fields – after all, they were environmentalists weren’t they? Crabby rises to the challenge and after an argument with ‘Barista Boy’ in the village coffee shop over an incident with whipped cream, he spends a couple of hours giving them the benefit of, in his words, ‘his vast experience’ of the bedroom and parenthood… Myths about getting pregnant and how to avoid dizziness. Stages of pregnancy and the need for Robert to keep a couple of foam balls on hand. Childbirth and the wonder of gas and air as an aid for the man of the moment. The first five years, then the next ten and how to remain sane…or at least a little bit. All you need to know about vasectomies…and if you’re a bloke, quite a lot you probably won’t want to read…but I know you will anyway because you’re curious – and very protective of your little chap and his two mates. …Crabby tells them how it is, and when they have stopped crying, sends them on their way safe in the knowledge that his advice amounts to a job well done…poor sods. Author’s note Although in no way an autobiography, this work is based on many of my own experiences, though my wife hasn’t read it yet, and I have taken the batteries out of her e-reader and hid them with all the other batteries that power her gadgets that keeps me up at night, or awake at any rate. The book necessarily uses words to describe procreation and childbirth and its aftermath that some may find upsetting, like bankruptcy, sleep deprivation and, for all the men out there, having your nuts jumped on by your little angle while you’re asleep on the sofa. Warning: Men of a nervous disposition may prefer not to buy this book, but as a man myself – despite what my wife rather hurtfully says sometimes, I know that subjects such as the delivery suite, nappies, and the snip, can bring on a fainting episode. However I would ask such men to be strong, to be inquisitive, or if nothing else, curious. This book contains quite a lot of words, some of which are a bit naughty, nearly 20,000 in fact (not all 20,000 are naughty words, obviously).