As a regular reader of her blog, I value her standpoint. I was beguiled by my own wishful thinking about my marriage and my ex-partner's campaign of confusion. It's an ongoing process but I've gone from a kind of paralysis to a growing optimism about my life. It's nothing short of amazing that her USP is a focus on our own value rather than being sucked into servicing someone else's deceitful narrative. Those who focus on her "potty mouth" need to put things into perspective. For some of us, those "potty" words are only in the book; many of our exes stifled any dissent. It is liberating to hear someone being angry on our behalf. Thanks to Tracy. "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" I have mine back.
How I wish this book existed when I found our my (now ex) husband was cheating on me! I bought other books dealing with infidelity that advised being understanding and patient so that cheaters can have the time and support to stop their affairs, and followed that advice, all the time thinking that if only I followed that advice exactly, my marriage would be saved.
I did that. In my situation, it only led to my being taken advantage of even more.
Not only does The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity get you through the roughest days after discovering that you've been cheated on, but it also helps you to see the patterns of behavior that cheaters have, so that you know what to expect if you stay with a cheater, or know what to look for if you move on.
Simply put, the advice in this survival guide works.
If there's one thing North Americans are good at, it's pretending that misfortune is a Good Thing That Can Make Your Life Better. Got cancer? You're a survivor. Been laid off? This is your chance to make a new life. Lost thousands of your citizens in a seemingly pointless foreign war? USA! USA! Been cheated on? Your marriage is about to get a whole lot better.
You know what? Misfortune CAN be the first step in building a new life, but first you have to acknowledge that it is misfortune. If you're experiencing the pain of finding out that your partner has been unfaithful, about the only writer out there who won't just hand you a line about the whole messy, awful business of having been a chump to your partner's sleazy con is, surprisingly, an American -- Michigan-born Tracy Schorn.
Schorn's ChumpLady.com blog has been a godsend to many (including me) who've found that the assumption most infidelity books starts with - that the cheater really cares about the pain they've deliberately inflicted - is just plain incorrect. In The Chump Lady Guide to Surviving Infidelity, Schorn expands on her blog writing to give her readers the information and encouragement they need to start a new life - one that doesn't include their cheater.
Yeah, you read that right. Schorn, unlike the vast majority of "infidelity experts" doesn't assume that you should try to "fix your marriage." If you've been abused by a teacher, a boss or a business associate, you don't try to fix the relationship: you get the hell out of it. The abuse of infidelity, and the connected lying, blame shifting and emotional cruelty is no different. Schorn, who is herself a former chump, writes with a combination of humour, vitriol for the cheater and deep compassion for the cheated on. If you've been cheated on and are wondering what on earth happened and what you can do about it, you won't find a better guide than Tracy Schorn.
You can get a taste of her writing at www.chumplady.com.
This book saved me. Married to my husband 33 years and he cheats on me and turned into a different person as soon as I found out. Did not care about our history, family, anything, said it all did not matter. What did I do? Chased him, turned into a used car salesman for myself and lost respect for myself.
The Chump Lady, only she has opened my eyes to what I am truly dealing with.
If you have been cheated on, please buy this book. You do matter, you did nothing to cause your spouse to cheat on you.
You know what I hate? Self help books with a simple message made very long for no good reason. The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity is not that. Like the author, it is succinct and to the point and filled with one helpful gem after another. It quickly gets down to the nitty gritty of facing what's happened to you, accepting it, and moving on from it -- all while acknowledging that it'll be painful and difficult, but that pain won't last forever.
This book has a break-the-glass-in-case-of-emergency feel to it and rightly so -- it is an emergency. With the tools Tracy has perfected you can cut down your recovery time considerably because you'll understand that these cheaters are not original -- they almost appear to have a playbook! My own recovery was too slow and too painful until I found the Chump Lady website. I could not make sense of what had happened to me and Chump Lady taught me that it's okay not to understand why it happened, but to simply believe that my cheater sucks and I deserve better.
This Survival Guide to Infidelity is just that, a handy guide to refer to when doubts creep up. I wasn't sure I could glean any more from Tracy's book than I did from her website, but I did. I discovered I "spackle" much more than I realized and I re-discovered the power and freedom of going No Contact. And it's serving as an encyclopedia of sorts, to help me remember all the valuable terms from "kibbles" to "hopium."
I wish that anyone having to go through the horrific ordeal of realizing they've been betrayed by the person they valued most in the world, could immediately have this survival guide in their hands.
If your find yourself with a cheating spouse, this book is your lifeline to a better world. In plain, no-holds-barred language, it directs you, step by step, through the confusing maze of emotions and distractions to a place of happiness, dignity and respect. There is a ton of empowerment packed into its 124 pages and I cannot recommend this book strongly enough. It is, without a shadow of a doubt, the ONLY resource you need when faced with infidelity.
There are many books out there that push you towards reconciliation, regardless of who you're married to. This is NOT one of those books. Instead of taking the blame for other's faults (which is the prevailing attitude among those of the pro-reconciliation folk) Tracy places blame squarely on the shoulders of the offending party - the cheater. The victim is the "chump" and that is to whom this book speaks. It gives us "chumps" back our power when we are rendered powerless, it pushes us forward when we are immobilized by fear, it gives us hope when we are hopeless.
When faced with the incredulous pain of infidelity, this book will pick you up, dust you off, and lead you by the hand to a place of reason and peace. It is not only a must-read, but a must-follow. In a society where infidelity touches most of us one way or another, you NEED this book.
Plain and simply, this book really DOES help you regain your sanity. If it were not for Chump Lady's blog and this book, I would not have been able to get through a day. Chump Lady tells it like it is with clarity, intelligence, humor, and good old fashioned profanity. If you are searching for clarity and help during the hell of infidelity, this book and Chump Lady will be your lifeline.
The author has insight, coupled with humor and wit that is very helpful in recognizing the abuse and betrayal of infidelity for what it is. She gives advice on finding your self and setting your boundaries in the aftermath of the train wreck. If there were ever an antidote to the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, Tracy Shorn is it. She pulls no punches, she doesn't want you to spend years waiting for your spouse to remember he/she loves you, only to be betrayed again. Her message is one that has been sorely missing until now. Get out of a bad relationship, learn to love yourself and live life to it's fullest. I am waiting for delivery of the book and will update this review as soon as I've read it. I have no doubt it will be at least as helpful as her blog. Update: I've read the book and I was not disappointed. I wish the book and the blog had been around when my ex first cheated on me, it might have saved me wasting 10 more years living with a cheater.
The pain of infidelity is shattering. Couple that paralyzing feeling with the confusion of what to do, how to handle the fall-out and the feeling of being very alone in the situation and it may be easy to comprehend how so many people flounder while trying to navigate this devastating turn of events.
In the months after discovering my husband had been having a years-long affair with a former employee of his, we attempted reconciliation. I read numerous books and websites along with the marriage therapy sessions. During that time, I had come across Tracy's blog while doing the thousands of 'why did my husband cheat on me?' Google searches. A lot of what she wrote really resonated with me, but I wanted to save my family and marriage. Unfortunately, after supposedly ending the affair, he resumed it just six months later. Those who have been through this know what an exceptionally difficult time it is, especially the second (or third or fourth...) time around.
This book helped me navigate through my fears, my worries and my steps toward divorce. The information in the book is practical while maintaining a touch of humor and a, "You can do this!" sort of cheering for the reader. Tracy has been through this personally and by sharing her experience, the reader truly gets a guide to aide in the navigation of "What Next." I genuinely drew strength from both her website as well as this book at the end stages of my marriage. She does not discount reconciliation, though is not a proponent of it quite admittedly. Once you have gone down that road and find it failing, this book is exceptionally helpful to regain your sense of balance.
I strongly recommend this book as someone who has been down the painful road of betrayal. Even if you hope to mend your marriage or do not care for the blunt language, there are genuine points of view that I think every spouse of a cheater need to be conscious of.