143 of 147 people found the following review helpful
This is the best book I have read.....,
This review is from: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)
about abusive relationships. I have read numerous books in the past year telling me how I may be co-dependant, how I enable my partner to abuse me, that if my behaviour changes his will change and that basically, I am the problem, not him. While these books have given me an insight into myself and have helped develop a strength and understanding I did not have before, they still focused on me being the problem. However, any changes I did make did not change my husband's behaviour and these books reinforced his attitude, that yes, I am the problem and I need help.
Lundy Bancroft spells out in this book in no uncertain terms that I am not the problem, that my partner is the abuser and a bully and it is his problem and he needs to acknowledge it and get help for it. I do not enable him to abuse me - Bancroft states in the book 'Abuse is wrong; you are responsible for your own actions; no excuse is acceptable; the damage you are doing is incalculable; your problem is yours alone to solve' - he is addressing the abuser. I can hold my head high now, I have worked hard on myself and become a better person for it, but I am not the controlling, manipulative female dog my husband keeps telling me I am. This book has made me realise the extent of the damage he has caused our children - he doesn't abuse them directly but watching their mother be abused has created untold problems for them - they are violent towards each other, they have low opinions of females in general and they are basically in turmoil themselves. This book has created a clear path for me - I need to protect myself and my children from the harm my partner is causing on a daily basis. Thank you Lundy Bancroft for giving me the ammunition to blast a doorway into a better life for myself and my children.
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Showing 1-5 of 5 posts in this discussion
Initial post: 14 Feb 2008 19:18:39 GMT
F. HUMPHREYS says:
Im currently doing a study on what prevents women from leaving abusive relationships? Can you reccomend any books that will help with the answer?
Posted on 7 Jul 2008 14:47:49 BDT
Your review of this book has helped me light the spark inside myself, more than some of the actual books I have read on the subject! I spent 5 years in therapy being told by the therapist that it was my fault I was abused - and trying to learn coping strategies to win the behaviour I craved! None of it worked, he got worse, I felt such a failure! Now I am getting out too and just reading your review has reinforced everything I have been hanging on to. Thank you!
In reply to an earlier post on 15 Oct 2008 10:56:55 BDT
T. K. Taylor says:
I too have found your post inspiring,I have just got out of a 12 year relationship with a compulsive liar,it has affected our 10 year old girl badly. This was an abusive relationship, (not physically) emotionally and mentally,what he did is equal to mental cruelty,suggesting I was imaginning things, personal insults about lies when confronted,never owning up or being honest even when proof was in front of him. He even said it was my fault that he lied. He actually lied to everyone he met so it was everyone elses fault but not him! Im going to buy myself this book as part of my healing process,thanks.
Posted on 8 Feb 2013 11:16:20 GMT
Thank you so much for the comments you made. After a disaster of a wedding anniversary yesterday, I had had as much as a woman can take. I too have been labelled co-dependent and in need of fixing, and the label never sat right, if you know what I mean? I warily began checking amazon, looking for 'something' to help and all paths led to this book. The reviews have both inspired and 'frightened', but yours spoke to my heart and mind. I hope I have the courage to do what I need to do. But thank you for your sharing your inspiring words.
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