Customer Review

1.0 out of 5 stars Viewers should be compensated for their pain and suffering from watching this film, 17 Jun 2012
This review is from: Snakes On A Train [2006] [DVD] (DVD)
Sweet Lord in Heaven, this movie is awful. The Asylum has released more than its share of bad movies, but Snakes on a Train may well be the worst of the lot. You could argue that Snakes on a Plane (which I actually enjoyed) was itself a B-movie, so this Asylum knockoff is C-grade at best. There is not one single thing positive I can say about this cinematic disaster. The script is terrible, the acting is annoyingly bad, and the special effects are unbelievably, embarrassingly pitiful. I also must point out that the DVD cover contains blatant lies: there aren't anywhere close to 3,000 snakes in this movie - more like a few dozen - and the entire cast can't include more than 20 people (certainly not "100 trapped passengers"). That "trapped" business is a hard sell, anyway, because you can jump off a moving train and survive. Some of these characters, though, are afraid to jump down from the train when it isn't even moving because "it's too far!" Really? What is it - two feet down at the most? Give me a freaking break.

So how do these snakes get on the train to begin with? Well, some Mexican girl ran off with her boyfriend rather than marrying the high-class fellow her family had picked out for her, so someone in that family cursed her. Now she has gobs of snakes slithering around inside her body - and she keeps puking them up. That's actually a bad thing because the snakes are a part of her now and she can't live without them. Thanks to this ridiculous storyline, we're forced to watch scene after scene of her medicine man boyfriend chanting some kind of hoodoo voodoo stuff. It just keeps going on and on and on, even though it's obvious that these "spells" aren't working. The other thing about these snakes is that they seem to grow exponentially in size after they're barfed up, so it's only a matter of time before the other people on the train are being attacked by horrible CGI effects. There's a subplot or two among the other passengers, but who really cares? I didn't give two spits in the ocean about anybody in this movie.

You will think this movie is terrible as you watch it progress, but only those who suffer through to the very end will know the true depth of its awfulness. This one goes down hard, people - I suggest you give Snakes On a Train a very wide berth.
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2.0 out of 5 stars (12 customer reviews)
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