206 of 218 people found the following review helpful
Fifty shades of lame,
This review is from: Fifty Shades of Grey: 1/3 (Paperback)
I must have done something truly noble in my past life because I was lucky enough not to spend money on this trash. Maybe I was a professional kitten rescuer. Or maybe I saved a pope from being raped by rabid dogs. i was however unfortunate enough to waste my time, precious time which will not be coming back.
So a few things. I was a 22 year old virgin when I met my husband. He was my first everything. I too didn't know how to get my rocks off myself and I too hot off the starting blocks ended up with a man who is an exceptional lover (but I have nothing to compare, so how would I know!). So that part was not so unbelievable to me. However, my husband was not a dominnering as$hole, and I was not a mincing idiot. This wasn't in 1962 in case you're wondering. I'm 30. And the first few times hurt like a mofo. Seriously, exactly no women orgasm five times the first time they have sex. Except for porn stars.
Anyways, on with this epic piece of literature! Meet Mr Grey, a man who is the Michael Flatley of sex. And boy does he like to have a lot of it. I'm not complaining, au contraire. I wish often that I too was getting banged as often as the door of an atheist in a Jehovah's Witness neighbourhood. But then along comes Ana, a girlwoman about as interesting as George Osborne's nasal hair. She's never had sex! Doesn't even know what it is! The man-whore and the virgin? Jeez, get outta here!
Predictably, Chris wants her. And she's all like "You want me? For serious? Gollygoshwow!" CG by the way has made a lot of money by marrying rich old oil tycoons and waiting for them to pop off, thus inheriting their huge amounts of cash. Joking! He's a billionaire at 27, runs his own company and still has ample time to harass and stalk Ana and shower her with inappropriate gifts. He has made his money by being Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.
But there's a twist... Chris is into shackles and whips and bondage, oh my! But whatevs, Ana is too astounded by his enormous assets (literally and figuratively) to care. Her kitchen scares her. Note - a man who lives in a house that doesn't look like anyone lives in it ever is kind of a warning.
Lots of haymaking ensues. Around this the author has cobbled together snippets from Pretty Woman, teenage novels, the Sun's problem page and online porn. Eyes roll, lips are bitten. Most ground breakingly of all, there is a tender scene where Christian lovingly removes her tampon to engage in some peiord humping while Ana's mother is in the hotel's bar downstairs. I kid you not. At this point, so many of my braincells had died. My eyes wanted to commit suicide by blinding themselves. My brain wanted to be rinsed. I wish I could unread the whole book.
Anyway, towards the end Ana grows a second braincell that confers with the first one and is all like "Jeez this may not be such a good idea". THE END. Ha! I wish. I wish she'd choked on her own lip. But there's two more books. Two. More. Books.
Well there you have it. I'm not a prude, I like erotic fiction, and if you've ever read Anais Nin you know it can get weirder than anything FSOG has to offer. It's just not written like literary vomit from the mind of a 12 year old who just typed `SEX" into Google. The hottest S&M scene I ever read was in Paulo Cohelo's 11 minutes. It was astoundingly well written and extremely erotic. The comparison is Justin Beiber and Pavarotti.
It amazes me that so many women love this book. Let's face it, Christian Grey is only attractive because he's rich. That makes all his issues ok. If he was broke, Ana would have run a mile the other way from his stalking and domineering ways. Wrong on so many levels. Ask yourself, would you want your daughter going out with a man like this? NO! I pray to God that never happens to any female I know and love. Hot sex doesn't make up for you being half crazy. Though if you're as stupid as Ana you probably deserve it.
I BESEECH YOU, DO NOT BUY!!!
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Showing 11-14 of 14 posts in this discussion
Posted on 14 Dec 2012 22:36:22 GMT
E. L. Joseph says:
Very funny! Couldn't agree more.
Posted on 23 May 2013 21:14:28 BDT
Juliet's dagger says:
Brilliant! Cried myself laughing at this review! Only read the first chapter and binned it, thank god, dred to think what would have happened to me if i'd have read the lot, carved my eyes out with a hot spoon prob!
Posted on 9 Oct 2013 18:05:04 BDT
jelly 1960 says:
I'd forgotten the passage when he tries to get the tampon out.
I once tried tugging gently on the cotton to see what effect it would have. All I got was a massive clout on the side of my head - and neither of our parents were downstairs. Are you saying that if I had been a billionaire she would have permitted it?
Posted on 23 Apr 2014 20:54:03 BDT
Eartha Josephine says: