214 of 228 people found the following review helpful
Fifty shades of lame,
This review is from: Fifty Shades of Grey (Paperback)
I must have done something truly noble in my past life because I was lucky enough not to spend money on this trash. Maybe I was a professional kitten rescuer. Or maybe I saved a pope from being raped by rabid dogs. i was however unfortunate enough to waste my time, precious time which will not be coming back.
So a few things. I was a 22 year old virgin when I met my husband. He was my first everything. I too didn't know how to get my rocks off myself and I too hot off the starting blocks ended up with a man who is an exceptional lover (but I have nothing to compare, so how would I know!). So that part was not so unbelievable to me. However, my husband was not a dominnering as$hole, and I was not a mincing idiot. This wasn't in 1962 in case you're wondering. I'm 30. And the first few times hurt like a mofo. Seriously, exactly no women orgasm five times the first time they have sex. Except for porn stars.
Anyways, on with this epic piece of literature! Meet Mr Grey, a man who is the Michael Flatley of sex. And boy does he like to have a lot of it. I'm not complaining, au contraire. I wish often that I too was getting banged as often as the door of an atheist in a Jehovah's Witness neighbourhood. But then along comes Ana, a girlwoman about as interesting as George Osborne's nasal hair. She's never had sex! Doesn't even know what it is! The man-whore and the virgin? Jeez, get outta here!
Predictably, Chris wants her. And she's all like "You want me? For serious? Gollygoshwow!" CG by the way has made a lot of money by marrying rich old oil tycoons and waiting for them to pop off, thus inheriting their huge amounts of cash. Joking! He's a billionaire at 27, runs his own company and still has ample time to harass and stalk Ana and shower her with inappropriate gifts. He has made his money by being Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.
But there's a twist... Chris is into shackles and whips and bondage, oh my! But whatevs, Ana is too astounded by his enormous assets (literally and figuratively) to care. Her kitchen scares her. Note - a man who lives in a house that doesn't look like anyone lives in it ever is kind of a warning.
Lots of haymaking ensues. Around this the author has cobbled together snippets from Pretty Woman, teenage novels, the Sun's problem page and online porn. Eyes roll, lips are bitten. Most ground breakingly of all, there is a tender scene where Christian lovingly removes her tampon to engage in some peiord humping while Ana's mother is in the hotel's bar downstairs. I kid you not. At this point, so many of my braincells had died. My eyes wanted to commit suicide by blinding themselves. My brain wanted to be rinsed. I wish I could unread the whole book.
Anyway, towards the end Ana grows a second braincell that confers with the first one and is all like "Jeez this may not be such a good idea". THE END. Ha! I wish. I wish she'd choked on her own lip. But there's two more books. Two. More. Books.
Well there you have it. I'm not a prude, I like erotic fiction, and if you've ever read Anais Nin you know it can get weirder than anything FSOG has to offer. It's just not written like literary vomit from the mind of a 12 year old who just typed `SEX" into Google. The hottest S&M scene I ever read was in Paulo Cohelo's 11 minutes. It was astoundingly well written and extremely erotic. The comparison is Justin Beiber and Pavarotti.
It amazes me that so many women love this book. Let's face it, Christian Grey is only attractive because he's rich. That makes all his issues ok. If he was broke, Ana would have run a mile the other way from his stalking and domineering ways. Wrong on so many levels. Ask yourself, would you want your daughter going out with a man like this? NO! I pray to God that never happens to any female I know and love. Hot sex doesn't make up for you being half crazy. Though if you're as stupid as Ana you probably deserve it.
I BESEECH YOU, DO NOT BUY!!!
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Showing 1-10 of 14 posts in this discussion
Initial post: 10 Jul 2012 20:30:47 BDT
Y. Stewart says:
Brilliant review!!!! I so wish I could have said it half as well as you. I was given this book as a present, I'd never heard of it at the time, so I read with an open mind. So glad I didn't subscribe to the hype or the author's coffers!
Posted on 10 Jul 2012 21:03:39 BDT
I absolutely love this review!!! Probably the best one of the many brilliant ones I've read on here! :D
In reply to an earlier post on 11 Jul 2012 12:02:09 BDT
m'thank you! On the plus side, teenagers will probably made sure they always have a roll of foil with them now.
Posted on 15 Jul 2012 03:42:07 BDT
Thank you so much for your review, it is hilarious. I laughed SO hard; it seriously made my day. I will not read this book. Agree, I loved 11 Minutes too. Best wishes.
Posted on 31 Jul 2012 14:28:19 BDT
What an excellent review, thank you
Posted on 1 Aug 2012 15:47:44 BDT
What an absolutely fantastic review. I laughed so much that I cried!
Posted on 3 Aug 2012 13:09:24 BDT
Rebecca Rosser says:
Haha! I've been very curious about this book and part of me wanted to give it a go just to see what the fuss is about but, I thank you, I will no longer do that. Excellent review, thanks for warning everyone to stay the heck away!
Posted on 14 Aug 2012 17:50:33 BDT
R. Heywood says:
Like everyone else, thanks for the review. Definitely one of the funniest on here!
I sadly started reading it to see what the hype was about but only made it to chapter 3. After reading your review, i'm so glad I didn't read the rest.
Posted on 29 Aug 2012 17:07:07 BDT
A Reader says:
No, Christian Grey ISN'T only attractive because he's rich - he's attractive because he's rich, tall, handsome and has "impressive" assets (lol).
Posted on 30 Nov 2012 14:33:36 GMT
The reason why so many bought this book?
"No one in this world has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people."
H. L. Mencken