21 of 23 people found the following review helpful
This review is from: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale [DVD]  [Region 1] [US Import] [NTSC] (DVD)
This movie is so unbelievably bad that I have to break it down into parts for this review.
Based on a video game, it comes over as The Lord of the Rings lite, complete with Orc-like Krugs, John Rhys Davies, and a guy with a Legolas hairstyle. Bad guy Gallian (Ray Liotta) swirls around in clouds of smoke, and does his business through the eyes, ears and lips of really big Krugs who ride horses.
The only redeeming parts are the fight scenes with Statham, and even the battle scenes get monotonous after a while. And speaking of the battle scenes, we get the infantry and the archers and so on, but why do we have ninjas and Amazonian tree women in the mix-up? (Mind you, Kristanna Loken of the L-Word looks really good wrapped in leaves)
Leelee Sobieski is underutilized as the daughter of Rhys Davies character Merick, but comes into her own at the end, while Matthew Lillard does his Scooby Doo thing mainly for comic relief.
Short Attention Span Summary (SASS)
1. A farmer named Farmer farms his land with his family
2. Marauding Krugs under the command of Gallian attack
3. See Farmer fight
4. Fight Farmer, fight
5. Farmer fights in vain, but lives to fight again
6. The King wants Farmer in his army, but Farmer wants to be a one-man show
7. No man is an island
8. Farmer signs up, but has problems with the armor, which doesn't suit his image
9. Battle scenes
10. Change of leadership occurs
11. Grand finale with bad guy proves that books have power
12. Women totally rock
Jason Statham's role
There once was a farmer named Farmer
Who was rugged, but really no charmer
When the Krugs came for battle
He killed them like cattle
Without ever wearing his armor
Ray Liotta's role
There once was a power drunk mage
Who totally failed to engage
He is so badly cast
It will leave you aghast
As he stinks up his time on the stage
John Rhys Davies' role
Though this ain't The Lord of the Rings
We're glad for the class that he brings
And though he's on his own
There's a Legolas clone
To help the return of the kings
Burt Reynolds' role
We're more than a little bit hurt
To see what's become of old Burt
More tired than mean
He's a creaky machine
Out of gas, and now fully inert
This movie's no more than a joke
Filled with nothing but mirrors and smoke
With ninjas and magic
The plotline is tragic
And it's NOT Uwe Boll's master stroke.
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Showing 1-4 of 4 posts in this discussion
Initial post: 14 Mar 2009 19:26:30 GMT
lol! Loved your review and I agree with you completely! Cheers!
In reply to an earlier post on 14 Mar 2009 23:16:34 GMT
Amanda Richards says:
Thanks RM - have a great day!
Posted on 9 Jul 2010 20:56:24 BDT
Last edited by the author on 9 Jul 2010 20:57:24 BDT
S. Gates says:
Reading an article about games made into films I was astounded that Dungeon Siege had in fact been made into a film. I had to check out Amazon to find out if this was true. I found your review an absolute gem. Of course I already knew the film would be a load of rubbish anyway but the way you set it all out in such a humorous way was a joy to read. If this film was more well known it could give Plan 9 from outer space a run for it's money in the "worse film ever" hall of fame. Excellent review!
Posted on 16 Sep 2010 18:39:44 BDT
R. D. O'Neill says:
Wonderful review--thank you!
I really think I must buy it (very cheaply) to see for myself.
Amanda's an A-1 Reviewer
Her methods are fresher and newer
She covers all factors
And shatters the actors
By serving them up on a skewer.
Not as good as yours--but a small homage.
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