Customer Review

6,250 of 6,514 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Oh My! What a pile of discarded panties, 24 Jun 2012
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This review is from: Fifty Shades of Grey (Paperback)
Oh My, I mean really, Oh my, oh my, oh my......No readers, I have not just been whipped (pardon the pun) into a bosom heaving wreck by the size of my partner's "impressive length". I have in fact, just dragged myself through to the final page of this ludicrous nonsense and found myself almost speechless. Almost...

The main character, Christian Grey, is quite obviously deranged. This does not however, deter Ana, who for some inexplicable reason, has spent so long with her head in a book that she has never looked in a mirror and noticed that she is a "total babe". A "total babe" who also happens to be a 21 year old virgin. No, Ana, in the space of 3 weeks, falls so crazily in love with "Mr Grey" that she manages to bypass the whole deranged thing and instead concentrates all her efforts on a) going from virgin to porn star faster than Hussain Bolt off the blocks and b) deciding whether to let him hit her with stuff. As you do.

As for Mr Grey, obviously, readers can't be allowed to see him as simply a deranged, manipulative psycho so let's give him smouldering good looks, a few zillion quid to throw around and hey, and this is the clincher, the ability to love art and music (y'know, like Nazi's do in the war films). (Note - the bit where he plays the "haunting" piano piece, semi naked, with his eyes closed actually made me laugh so much that I almost wet myself - in a non-orgasmic way. Check it out....enjoy! ). As if that wasn't enough he also has a personal and financial interest in saving the world from famine. Just that old world peace and cancer to sort out and then hey, job's a good `un. I mean really, how did the world ever shamble along without him? So what made this beautiful, charismatic and talented man so brutal? Could it be a traumatic childhood perhaps? Why, yes I think it could...yaaaaawn....

So, the 2 beautiful people come together (Oh my, another pun) and the rest of the book is basically about Ana wondering if she should let him hit her with stuff and then letting him hit her with stuff and Mr Grey wondering if he should stop hitting her with stuff but still hitting her with stuff while she whines on about wanting "more" love and less of the hitting stuff and he whines on about how he doesn't know how to give "more" cos he has only ever hit people with stuff.

In between these nonsensical blatherings they have lots of sex, which, like piano playing, speaking foreign languages and making zillions of quid, he possesses boundless expertise. Obviously. Luckily, virginal Ana also has her "inner Goddess" to guide her on the art of sex play and soon becomes an orgasm machine, chucking them out all over the place in a rampant, fevered haze of lust. So much so that she overlooks Mr Grey's general bastardry and bends over nicely for a few beatings. She is also too enraptured to take much notice his incessant stalking, which would have got lesser men arrested. Oh, and his `feeder' tendencies that, if successful, would have surely added a good 10 stone onto Ana's lovely buttocks which in turn would have incurred the cost of a refurb' to the `red room of pain' when his ceiling shackles needed reinforcing. Luckily he can afford it.

As many other readers have noted, the writing is appallingly poor and, if you removed the sex bits, would resemble a love struck teenager's diary. It's all been said before so I won't dwell on it. I will just say, if you are looking for erotic fiction, look elsewhere, if you are looking for an unintentionally laugh out loud bit of fluff and nonsense then crack open a bottle, put your feet up and prepare to be amused. Personally I would just say that there goes a day of my life that I will never get back. Oh my!
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Tracked by 29 customers

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Showing 51-60 of 867 posts in this discussion
Posted on 26 Jun 2012 11:34:17 BDT
[Deleted by the author on 26 Jun 2012 11:36:02 BDT]

Posted on 26 Jun 2012 11:36:49 BDT
Enjoyed your review SO much! Are you a writer? You should be! Will look now to see if you have other reviews...

Posted on 26 Jun 2012 12:15:57 BDT says:
Your reivew was excellent - very entertaining more so than the actual book of which I am on chapter ten and wondering why I'm wasting my life on such unrealistic drivel!

Posted on 26 Jun 2012 13:16:08 BDT
Lazycatfish says:
Thank you everyone for your lovely comments. I came on to have a look if anyone had commented and fully expected a total lynching from frenzied Christian Grey fans. I was suprised, to say the least by what I found. In answer to some of the comments, no I am not a writer but as I am about to get made redundant very soon you never know haha! I can at least while away the endless hours between my 'signing on' dates writing review for Amazon! Anyway, thanks again and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Posted on 26 Jun 2012 14:29:14 BDT
Bevuttely says:
Oh matey you should take up writing this was spot on, thought it was just me that thought it was dreadfulx

Posted on 26 Jun 2012 14:58:52 BDT
Samiqua says:
your review of fifty shades of grey is spot on! i got so annoyed with the repetitiveness of it that i started to highlight the number of times she a) bit her lip b) he cocked his head to one side c) their breath 'hitched'?! what was with her suddenly referring to him as Mr. Fifty shades every 2 minutes during the last part of the book? yeah we get it! we know what the book is called and why it's called it, now leave it! oh and don't get me started on the eye rolling!
seems to me the girl doesn't know what she wants! she asks him for more, he gives her more then she wants a bit more!
the erotic fiction in this booked didn't turn me on as much as the obscene amounts of money he spent on her! oh to dream! lol.
i've heard people say that this book has spiced up their sex life! ha ha! all i can say is mine must have been spicy already as my boyfriend hadn't even noticed i was reading the book! maybe this book is aimed at the younger reader with less experience of erotica?!
the down side to all this is, after all my complaints, i have started to read the next one! the end leaves you without an ending and i am left thinking she made some bad choices! i have my highlighter at the ready!
p.s wow you read fast!!

Posted on 26 Jun 2012 15:13:53 BDT
Sam says:
I have to agree with all the comments, I read these books just before everybody went crazy for them, it is poor writing and the repetitiveness really does grate after a while. It just isn't all that big a deal, have read far more entertaining erotica.

Posted on 26 Jun 2012 15:52:10 BDT
Kate L says:
brilliant review - I would buy YOUR book - am tempted to buy this one for the comedy value alone.

Posted on 26 Jun 2012 16:29:11 BDT
N. Young says:
Just been to local Waterstones and found whole bookcase devoted to Fifty Shades! Have enjoyed reading all the comments in this post and still LOVE your review! If you are being made redundant then now's your chance! Get that laptop out and give it a whirl and PLEASE write some more hysterical reviews!

Posted on 26 Jun 2012 18:11:40 BDT
deedee says:
Listen till I tell you girl. your review has got to be the funniest thing ive ever read, seriously , im just echoing what others are saying here. You need to write a book and you need to write one NOW!!!! like another person said here , id be first in the queue to buy it. Well done!!!

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3.3 out of 5 stars (7,852 customer reviews)
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