Customer Review

6,161 of 6,421 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Oh My! What a pile of discarded panties, 24 Jun 2012
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This review is from: Fifty Shades of Grey (Paperback)
Oh My, I mean really, Oh my, oh my, oh my......No readers, I have not just been whipped (pardon the pun) into a bosom heaving wreck by the size of my partner's "impressive length". I have in fact, just dragged myself through to the final page of this ludicrous nonsense and found myself almost speechless. Almost...

The main character, Christian Grey, is quite obviously deranged. This does not however, deter Ana, who for some inexplicable reason, has spent so long with her head in a book that she has never looked in a mirror and noticed that she is a "total babe". A "total babe" who also happens to be a 21 year old virgin. No, Ana, in the space of 3 weeks, falls so crazily in love with "Mr Grey" that she manages to bypass the whole deranged thing and instead concentrates all her efforts on a) going from virgin to porn star faster than Hussain Bolt off the blocks and b) deciding whether to let him hit her with stuff. As you do.

As for Mr Grey, obviously, readers can't be allowed to see him as simply a deranged, manipulative psycho so let's give him smouldering good looks, a few zillion quid to throw around and hey, and this is the clincher, the ability to love art and music (y'know, like Nazi's do in the war films). (Note - the bit where he plays the "haunting" piano piece, semi naked, with his eyes closed actually made me laugh so much that I almost wet myself - in a non-orgasmic way. Check it out....enjoy! ). As if that wasn't enough he also has a personal and financial interest in saving the world from famine. Just that old world peace and cancer to sort out and then hey, job's a good `un. I mean really, how did the world ever shamble along without him? So what made this beautiful, charismatic and talented man so brutal? Could it be a traumatic childhood perhaps? Why, yes I think it could...yaaaaawn....

So, the 2 beautiful people come together (Oh my, another pun) and the rest of the book is basically about Ana wondering if she should let him hit her with stuff and then letting him hit her with stuff and Mr Grey wondering if he should stop hitting her with stuff but still hitting her with stuff while she whines on about wanting "more" love and less of the hitting stuff and he whines on about how he doesn't know how to give "more" cos he has only ever hit people with stuff.

In between these nonsensical blatherings they have lots of sex, which, like piano playing, speaking foreign languages and making zillions of quid, he possesses boundless expertise. Obviously. Luckily, virginal Ana also has her "inner Goddess" to guide her on the art of sex play and soon becomes an orgasm machine, chucking them out all over the place in a rampant, fevered haze of lust. So much so that she overlooks Mr Grey's general bastardry and bends over nicely for a few beatings. She is also too enraptured to take much notice his incessant stalking, which would have got lesser men arrested. Oh, and his `feeder' tendencies that, if successful, would have surely added a good 10 stone onto Ana's lovely buttocks which in turn would have incurred the cost of a refurb' to the `red room of pain' when his ceiling shackles needed reinforcing. Luckily he can afford it.

As many other readers have noted, the writing is appallingly poor and, if you removed the sex bits, would resemble a love struck teenager's diary. It's all been said before so I won't dwell on it. I will just say, if you are looking for erotic fiction, look elsewhere, if you are looking for an unintentionally laugh out loud bit of fluff and nonsense then crack open a bottle, put your feet up and prepare to be amused. Personally I would just say that there goes a day of my life that I will never get back. Oh my!
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Tracked by 29 customers

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Showing 1-10 of 863 posts in this discussion
Initial post: 24 Jun 2012 19:24:52 BDT
freckleface says:
Thank you soooo much for your review! I laughed my socks off reading it - maybe I won't buy the book after all!

Posted on 24 Jun 2012 19:40:00 BDT
Agree - this review was even funnier than the books, thank you!

In reply to an earlier post on 24 Jun 2012 22:43:58 BDT
Lazycatfish says:
Thank you. If I have only saved 2 people from parting with their hard earned cash then my work here is done!

Posted on 25 Jun 2012 10:16:17 BDT
Y. Stewart says:
That review was better then the book, please tell me when you write one and I'll buy it like a shot!!

Posted on 25 Jun 2012 10:40:40 BDT
M. Whyman says:
Awesome review.... utterly enjoyable to read and SO true

Posted on 25 Jun 2012 13:07:35 BDT
R. Card says:
Fabulous post! I was also curious about the books after the hype, but feel happy not to part with my pennies!

I have to say that considering all the hype, I'm very surprised about the low star ratings this book is getting on Amazon, perhaps we're just more discerning readers?!

Posted on 25 Jun 2012 13:09:06 BDT
Avidreader says:
Thoroughly enjoyed reading your review, defiantly not going to bother with the book. Thank you for a hilarious read!

Posted on 25 Jun 2012 13:10:10 BDT
M. Tierney says:
I confirm what everyone else here is saying - you have a real talent for comedy writing and had me in stitches. Was on the verge of buying the book - thank God I read your review first and put my debit card away! :o)

Posted on 25 Jun 2012 13:21:00 BDT
Thank you for brightening my Monday morning. What a fantastic review. I shall not bother reading the book, but may come back to your review if I need another laugh. Well done.

Posted on 25 Jun 2012 14:06:47 BDT
Loved your review, maybe you should write a book, I would buy it!
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