Customer Review

65 of 78 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Emo woe squared, 16 Jan 2009
This review is from: New Moon: 2 (Twilight Saga) (Paperback)
It is official -- Stephanie Meyer is the oldest emo teenage girl on the face of this planet.

How else could she have written a book like "New Moon," the second sparkle-vampire romance in her bestselling Twilight series? Unfortunately this is no deep and intense romance -- it's basically a big oozing lump of teenage melodrama and horrendously purple prose. And the resolutely obnoxious heroine Bella Swan doesn't help with her endless moaning.

Bella's whether-you-like-it-or-not birthday party is wrecked when she cuts herself and prompts Jasper into a feeding frenzy, and the Cullens realize that she's just too tasty to be safe. So they leave town permanently. Cue emo music, for Bella's life is empty and worthless without Edward.

No, seriously -- it's empty. We have blank pages with month names on them, presumably to show that life is utterly empty and pointless when Eddie boy is absent -- "that I wasn't the heroine anymore, that my story was over."

But when she deliberately tries to put herself in danger, she hears Edward commanding her to stop. So she buys a motorcycle and starts immersing herself in extreme sports, hoping to hear him over and over again -- and she also gets to know local hunk Jacob Black, who has a supernatural secret of his own. But her near-suicidal antics have disastrous results for Edward, who believes her to be dead... and takes drastic action.

For the record, being seventeen-plus and/or breaking up with your True Luv are a fate worse than death. Teen Romance = True Luv. Catatonia and suicide are valid responses to being dumped. And life is an endless vile morass of nihilistic doom without a Sparkling Undead Coverboy to validate your existance and keep life from being ordinary.

At least, that is what "New Moon" would have you believe, since Stephanie Meyer smothers it in enough teenage melodrama and endless whiny angst to choke a blue whale. Thankfully her purple prose has been toned down -- presumably due to the absence of the "godlike" Edward -- but unfortunately page upon page of whining and suicidal despair is not a good substitute.

The entire story is pretty much devoted to the ever-passive Bella moping and whining as the sound of the world's smallest violin plays. Meyer attaches hilariously melodramatic significance to such scenes as Bella trying to get raped and murdered by a random bunch of guys, or having a recurring emo nightmare about being -- oh gasp of horror -- alone. You'd think being single was a death sentence.

Belatedly, Meyer realizes that post-breakup angst is not enough to carry even this thin plot. So she quickly spins up a bunch of Bad Evil Restrictive Vampires (with a not-so-subtle anti-Catholic bent), and Edward attempting suicide by the most hilarious method possible -- public sparkling. Such scenes almost mock themselves.

And Bella's endless woe-is-me-for-I-am-a-plain-mortal angst doesn't make her more vulnerable and likable -- it just eats up pages. And while Meyer tries desperately to show Bella's obsession as being True and Eternal Love, it never seems like more than a teenage girl's overwrought crush. And in a feeble attempt at a love triangle, Meyer makes Bella flirt callously with Jacob Black -- a sweet, nice, friendly guy who deserves way better.

"New Moon" is a prolonged, near-plotless slog of teenage melodrama, and it's nothing short of amazing that a grown woman could write such a book. Only for those who enjoy a fine whine.
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Showing 1-10 of 11 posts in this discussion
Initial post: 19 Feb 2009 19:42:30 GMT
>>For the record, being seventeen-plus and/or breaking up with your True Luv are a fate worse than death. Teen Romance = True Luv. Catatonia and suicide are valid responses to being dumped. And life is an endless vile morass of nihilistic doom without a Sparkling Undead Coverboy to validate your existance and keep life from being ordinary.<<

Utter, utter genius. If only you could write the books and SM was only writing the reviews!

Posted on 25 Mar 2009 19:52:58 GMT
You are so right. Bella is such an 'Emo' in this book is untrue. I liked book 1 but looking at New Moon from your view i have to laugh! It is such an Emo book i wonder why i hadn't seen it before! ;) its actrally pretty amusing to me... the life of Bella if she just got dumped and left in Forks. priceless.

In reply to an earlier post on 28 Apr 2009 22:51:19 BDT
Sammy says:
Absoloutely fantastic response Little Ray! I couldn't have put it any better. I think most people forget when writing these reviews is that it is a 'teenage' - 'Love' story and at 17 losing the one you 'think' you're in love with, usually is the end of the world. If you find the story hard to believe and far fetched I think its safe to ask are vampire love stories really your genre? Although I agree that the only improvement that could have been is for it to have been better paced, rather than having 20 chapters of Bella moping and the last 5 being action packed with the Volturi and Edward - could have been more balanced.

Posted on 14 May 2009 10:22:09 BDT
Misty says:
lol that review made me laugh out loud - death by sparkling. It is an utterly terrible series - my friend bought me the whole lot so i felt obliged to read them, but what a load of drivel!

Posted on 16 May 2009 18:33:06 BDT
AnnieA says:
I just love your review!! It summed up exactly how I feel about this book. My step-daughter has loaned me the whole series and though I quite liked Twilight I found New Moon a bit of a slog and actually skimmed some of Bella's moaning and whining. She was getting right on my nerves and I just wanted to give her a slap and tell her to pull herself together. I know you feel things really badly as a teenager and some things can seem like the end of the world but Bella, hell, she was beyond over the top! And I hated the way she used Jacob, who I really like.

You have a definite way with words and your review made me laugh out loud in places, thankyou!

Posted on 18 Aug 2009 15:48:42 BDT
Femmielala says:
This was the best review I've read! If you aren't a journalist/writer/broadcaster, EA Solinas, then you really should be!

Posted on 17 Oct 2009 00:28:21 BDT
Astria says:
"Edward attempting suicide by the most hilarious method possible -- public sparkling." Ha ha! - genius line.

Posted on 23 Nov 2009 16:14:44 GMT
H Austin says:
Loved your review. I hate to admit it but I used to be a Twilight fan girl but recently realised that the plot has way to many holes and the characters have no personality (except Jacob who I still love). Thank you so much for your blunt view it has really made my day. Keep it up! =)

Posted on 22 Apr 2010 11:57:32 BDT
Medusa says:
This is such a great review! I couldn't read past page 10 of Twilight and out of curiosity was reading up on how other people felt about the series (I am flabergasted at it's sucess and just don't get the hype), and stumbbled upon your review. I agree with other's comments here on the board, you clearly have the gift of writing (plain obvious!) and if you're not a writer, you should be! Hey, you have some fans already :)) Thanks for the beautifully written review!

In reply to an earlier post on 1 Sep 2010 22:56:15 BDT
N. Stocks says:
Love death by public sparkling! Thank you for making my day!
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