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3.0 out of 5 stars SHE'S UGLY, BUT SHE PUTS OUT, 25 Sep 2013
This review is from: Anacondas - The Hunt For The Blood Orchid [DVD] (DVD)
Warning: midway plot spoilers. SHE'S UGLY, BUT SHE PUTS OUT was said about John Messner's boat. This was his funny line which he delivered in a tough guy monotone as the guide, Bill Johnson, former special ops agent and acting school drop out. The movie has some great scenery as the movie starts with a native in Borneo being hunted by an extinct Tiger, escaping then to be eaten by a species of Anacondas that are not indigenous to that region. However that doesn't seem to phase the writers as they script in a group of scientists to look for a rare flower that doesn't exist either. It only blooms for six months once every six years and they only have 2 weeks to obtain it, or wait. This flower is believed to be a chemical fountain of youth.

Once in Borneo they obtain overpriced guide services to go up the river during the rainy season. During the trip, one of the two babes falls overboard and is accosted by a man-eating Borneo crocodile (They exist.). Our guide leaps into the water and kills the big rubber croc with a knife and saves the girl. Now the reason why she fell over is that she was doing a cell phone commercial on the boat by walking around with a phone saying, "Can you hear me now?" The problem is that these were NOT cell phones (no towers in jungle) but radio satellite phones which makes no difference where on the boat she stood.

It appears that the river is flooded and dangerous. The guide is bribed to take the dangerous route to save time. The boat cascades over a water falls and is lost, but everyone survives as does a cell phone used to call the guide's friend who will pick them up. However in order to get there they have to transverse through the jungles. Along the way, someone gets eaten by an Anaconda, a snake which has not just fangs, but a whole mouth full of long razor sharp teeth.

They arrive at the meeting location just in time to watch the rescue boat explode. Taking what the can, they decide to locate a nearby tribe of former head hunters so they can be rescued. But wait! The tribe has been eaten by snakes. It seems it is mating season for the snakes and neither the guide nor the natives knew when that was. Everyone in the group, except one evil corporate guy, wants to call off the quest. (Guess how that works out?)

Okay. The plot had a few minor holes in it. The snake had some close-ups and was realistic looking enough. The woman were pretty and at times sexy. The acting, except for Messner was passable for a horror flick. Messner at his best was about like Van Dien at his worst (I hope they got him cheap.)
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3.0 out of 5 stars (17 customer reviews)
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