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6 of 7 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Cap'n Jack, there's a shark in the closet!, 23 Aug. 2008
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This review is from: Shark Attack 3 [DVD] (DVD)
Glorious. Moving. Profound. Intelligent. Informative. Elucidating.

None of these are words that can adequately be used to describe Shark Attack 3, the Citizen Kane of diabolically rotten/brilliant monster movies. If there was an Oscar category for movies made in 2002 starring a professional Tom Cruise impersonator from off of that Torchwood and some sharks whose place on the evolutionary scale is dubious to say the least, then Shark Attack 3 would win all of them for all time ever.

Being a fan of Torchwood, I find Shark Attack 3 (a gloriously literal title, there is a shark, it attacks, it's the third one) can greatly have its quality level improved if you just imagine that Barrowman is actually playing his alter-ego Captain Jack, on an undercover mission to take down some rogue genetic experiment or alien killing machine that happens to closely resemble a bad shark. In fact they could remake this entire film in a future episode of Torchwood, the only difference being that the sharks would be in Cardiff this time instead of Mexico and/or Bulgaria. Four people would die laughing at this.

Oh, did we mention those poor Bulgarians? I thought my computer was on the blink or the DVD was defective, the audio track seemingly being a few seconds out of sync with everybody speaking on screen. It looked like a badly dubbed foreign film! Then I found out that all the dialogue had been badly dubbed. Into acting. Proper acting! Proper foreign acting! The kind of acting only reserved for emergencies, anime movies and episodes of Neighbours! But worse than all that acting put together! Which manages to make the film twenty squalling squillion times better!

Those poor Bulgarians. They probably only got paid about 50 pence each to basically stand about mouthing the words only to be dubbed by possibly drugged and/or drunk non -Bulgarian people and all their no-doubt powerful vocal emoting is gone to naught, blown out of the water by Johnny Barrowman and his method shark acting.

You might mock Cap'n Jack's `acting' - even he seems to have got Tom Cruise in to dub over his dialogue as Barrowboy failed to act to a standard as bad as his other co-stars - but Barrowman really excels here in depicting the true-to-life exploits of a marine biologist, or tooth expert or whatever he is - I wasn't listening all that closely, I was too busy trying to reattach my colon which had been ripped out due to shark-damage. Marvel as the campest man in all of Christendom attempts to feign romantic interest in a woman! We didn't mention the Woman - or the most stoned helicopter pilot you've ever seen - or the worst sex scene ever (not involving a shark). Or the plot, involving trying to kill sharks with batteries! The delights almost never end! Or begin! One critic online somewhere described the whole project as 'criminally deranged!' There is no higher accolade!!

The true bravura performance in this film is put in by the Shark. Probably Bulgarian Unreal Shark deserves an Olivier at least. It lost actual real teeth for this role! It put on weight, then lost it again, outdoing even DeNiro! And Zellweger in Bridget Jones, although no one ever borrowed footage of her from old wildlife documentaries! (Or did they?...) All the cast (and the shark) might have well have been on powerful hallucinogenic drugs for the entire duration of the movie for all the difference it might have made to proceedings.

To think it took two whole humanoids to write this. Two whole humanoids called Hooke and Depoope. Hooke and Depoope! I think this salubrious duo just got back from a two-week ayuhuasca bender and thought, `let's write an unspeakably bad z-picture involving sharks, submarines and torpedoes! we'll cast that guy who wasn't gay enough for Will and Grace! We'll need a shark and a woman too. And Bulgaria. In that order. Plus, if we buy one shark in Bulgaria, the woman comes free!'

They did just this, and produced a cinematic wonder for all of us to behold and cherish. Now no one can ever make a movie this bad ever again. The benchmark has been set and chomped right through. Just remember, there is nothing wrong with your dvd. It's just everyone in the film. And mainly the shark. Please do not adjust the shark. Oh alright do, just its overall size though - no one'll notice. Shark Attack 3: you won't believe it's not Barrowman. In English, Dubbed into English!
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