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34 of 34 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars highly recommended; very clearly written, 23 July 2007
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This review is from: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing (General Self-Help) (Paperback)
I can't recommend this enough. Packed with clearly presented information, easy to read, clear exercises, plus she herself was abusive and worked through it, so is completely speaking from a place of real informed balance and empathy.
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Showing 1-4 of 4 posts in this discussion
Initial post: 16 Nov 2011 14:57:35 GMT
Last edited by the author on 16 Nov 2011 14:59:17 GMT
Notloh says:
Just think about the title ! Nobody blaming the victim there. There´s a difference between working to ones strengths and dealing with an abuser realistically and learning how not to cause ones own abuse. Just think about this attitude when it comes to petty crimes. Do shop owners cause shoplifting? Homeowners burglary? I think not.

In reply to an earlier post on 23 Sep 2012 17:54:00 BDT
Last edited by the author on 23 Sep 2012 18:10:19 BDT
Sam says:
"Do shop owners cause shoplifting? Homeowners burglary?"

If they have poor security and are an easy target, then yes they attract criminals who see them as easy pickings. If you forget to close your front door or you leave your shop unattended, don't be surprised if burglars think it's Christmas.

Emotionally abusive relationships can be called "unrequitted love". You love someone who doesn't really love you the way you are, and is constantly trying to make you into someone you are not "for your own good". This can happen with your partner, parents, relatives, friends, etc. It's not so easy to simply walk away if these "people" are the only ones who show any care for you at all! To some extent, some of the emotional abuse might be directed towards improving you, just as teachers might use intimidation and threats to get you to remember French verbs. It's not always the best policy to walk or run away from difficulty. ("Better the devil you know...") The problem is really where it makes you depressed and zaps your energy instead of motivating you usefully. People need to receive positive incentives and happiness, to accompany any pressures they are placed under, or else it's just nasty. E.g., you are happy doing a high stress, high pressure job for a high salary, but unhappy doing exactly the same job for a very low salary. Medicine needs to be sugar coated. If someone flogs endless horses to death, but claims they were just "trying to help them to win the races", it's pretty obvious that they're deluded and not showing love or care.

But precisely how much "kindness" must accompany the relationship stress to transform it from selfish emotional abuse into "real love"? This is a quantitative question, one answer being simply the "per night rates" of call-girls. In other words, if you give someone enough money, and they may be compensated (at least for a while) for selfish "love". Real love can be defined as an addiction to the benefits of a partner, be they financial or intimate. Once someone is addicted to someone else, any attempt by the other person to break away will appear to be emotional abuse.

In reply to an earlier post on 24 Sep 2012 06:49:39 BDT
I agree ... when a person is doing everything in their power to work through life responsibly, to deal with abuse totally honestly and realistically, with the clear focus of becoming free of abuse/never being an enabler, then it is not their fault if another person makes negative choices re behaviour. If a shop owner takes every right precaution, they are not to blame if someone shoplifts etc.

In the area of abuse, the issue of responsibility always has to be dealt with carefully, and is very much at the root of getting free of abuse ... abusers play on not being responsible ever, on feeling entitled to abuse for whatever reason, on blaming and acting out on others so others are then as miserable as them thus controllable, so they can feel as if they're not alone, and to perpetuate attention-seeking in order to fill the emptiness they themselves don't bother to fill, despite often clearly knowing now how to do that, in this day and age ... once that table is turned, deeply in the psyche, back at an abuser that never takes responsibility no matter how they are genuinely helped to be able to do so, then the truth is clear ... to leave an abuser to take the flack on their own, to have to face their own responsibilities ... it becomes astoundingly clear that any person taking out abuse on a person who didn't harm them, is just insane, and it is a true waste of life to even think you're responsible for someone so hellbent on not changing and on continuing to do, often far worse, harm ... if somebody will not make the effort to change, then they solely are responsible for that, and it is clearly then time to move on, in clear self-responsibility, to be able to live a safe productive life, and to heal.

In reply to an earlier post on 24 Sep 2012 07:13:44 BDT
I agree that there must be strength/the right precautions taken by anyone at risk of or suffering abuse. And I see that vulnerability, inner issues, is the cause ... a lack of selfcare, selfrespect, areas in which strength needs to be developed within. Plus abusers always try to knock you down to their level of no faith/positivity about life, so always do their utmost to sap you of any hope/belief that things can ever be better ... it takes monumental strength to combat that, but there always are the incentives/encouragement needed, that switch on the light that makes it so clear 'life/good is not happening here ... get out'. My experience is that there is no reward to be found, or incentive, in being with someone abusive ... it's nothing but a walking death, pointless and devoid of life or light. You are right in your summary that flogging a horse to death, while saying that is helpful to the horse, is truly delusion and negative.

Kindness is often seen as weakness by an abuser, because they have not worked through their own issues at all, thus haven't got to emotions/heart/being positive ... they don't relate that being so is actually from immense strength ... emotional strength takes real courage, as does fighting on in a good way in life, to achieve things that are human and real. Thus they will try to knock down someone who challenges them to be emotionally honest/face issues. Strength is unlocked by being emotionally honest, so these abusers are very weak people, who haven't made the journey, and thus waste every day making excuses for why they're weak, justifying extreme cruelty/violence by saying they need to 'feel powerful', which is the height of weakness ... weakminded, weakhearted ... no focus or honesty.

My own definition of real love would not be about addiction, but about freedom ... addiction is the problem, the arena where abusive relationships get a hold and cause so much harm ... freedom within to sort out issues, to get free on the inside, is the most powerful initial purpose, as then new choices/pathways can be lived ... an abusive circumstance causes massive triggers to underlying inner issues, and, once empowered through working through those issues, in a growing strength that brings real esteem, then things change. To me freedom is where love can happen, and a good relationship would be where both partners were free to be themselves, communicate honestly, have no fear as their foundation, but instead trust, and where life can be lived safely and thus be happy/expand ... maybe journeying through an abusive circumstance [there is no 'relating', thus I can never use the word 'relationship'] gets those inner issues out and sorted, ultimately ... as all a person can do is be self responsible in what is often a heinous and misunderstood time of dreadful suffering, and look within/care for themselves, and get to safety ... that is real love at work.

And, yes, abusers always say they're the ones being abandoned/hurt ... that is because they haven't worked through and let go of whatever they went through, responsibly, which was abandonment/hurt ... again, if an abuser won't take responsibility and continue to abandon their real selves/honesty, there comes the time when leaving is the answer, so they have to then be left with themselves/their issues ... but often many abusers just go to someone else, to act everything out again, to avoid themselves and any real honesty or achievement.

A giant waste of time more often than not, and it becomes intolerable for a `victim' to be so separated from life/what is good and healthy. The best anyone can do is practice real love to themselves, which isn't selfish at all ... the wisdom to make good choices, to deal honestly with any issues, to be free on the inside, to act from inner wisdom ... thus life changes. If the abuser didn't choose to be responsible, it ends up that they must be left ... if they did take responsibility, then that would be a really great achievement, to change the dynamics in such a way that abuse stopped, a new pattern ... but that takes honest strength, which, nowadays, with so much information/consciousness present, is totally do-able ... always down to self-responsible choice, and either good results or bad consequences.
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