Customer Review

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Boo for Santy Claus, 25 Aug. 2011
This review is from: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians [DVD] [1964] (DVD)
Every now and then you hear about a movie that is so abysmally, outrageously, mind-blowingly bad that you just HAVE to watch it. "The Room," "Manos, the Hands of Fate," and stuff like that.

This is one of them: "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians," which takes an insultingly ridiculous premise... and makes it even more insultingly ridiculous with hammy acting, silly dialogue, and the worst climax. This is a movie so bad that it actually spins right past the limits and becomes a brilliantly ghastly parody of yuletide cliches!

The children of Mars (all two of them) are becoming withdrawn and depressed, which a crazy old hermit declares to be a sign that MARS NEEDS... SANTA CLAUS! So the Martians to go Earth to kidnap Santa Claus, so he can spread holiday joy. With the help of two idiotic human kids, they get to the North Pole and capture Santa Claus (John Call), who seems to be just fine about being abducted to another planet. I suspect drugs were involved.

But the eeeeeevvvvillll Voldar (Vincent Beck) doesn't want Santa to spread love and joy across Mars, so he spends the space voyage trying to do away with them. The commander Bomar (Chris Month) takes the kids and Santa into his home, but will they ever make it back to Earth? Or will Voldar destroy them first?

The title "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" actually sounds kind of cool -- like it might contain Santa and an elf army waging interstellar war. Unfortunately, instead we get an amalgam of every Christmas cliche and poorly-imagined Z-movie scifi trope, in one sloppy sopping treacly mess.

The dialogue is about as entertaining as a railroad spike in the eye ("What's soft and round and you put it on a stick and you toast it in a fire, and it's green? A Martian mallow!"), the sets are painfully cheap (IS THERE MORE THAN ONE MARTIAN HOUSE?), and there's not really any plot. Santa and the kids sort of saunter around being annoyingly cheery, and Voldar periodically tries to kidnap and/or kill them.

It also has one of the most chaotic, ridiculous climaxes ever inflicted on an audience, involving one of the bad guys being beaten up with TOYS. It's even stupider than it sounds.

As for the acting, it's horrendous. The children manage to be wooden, twee and affected all at the same time, and Santa is obviously high as a kite (attempted murder? HOHOHOHO!). And the Martians are inept bumblers who couldn't find their feet with a telescope, including a subplot where Voldar and his goons can't tell that A MARTIAN IN A SANTA SUIT isn't the real Santa.

As the icing, we also have Bill McCutcheon as Dropo, a blithering drooling dolt of a Martian who is meant to be charming comic relief, but who is about as funny as licking the third rail.

"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" is a movie so blithely, outstandingly inept in every area that it ends up being mildly entertaining. For the full effect of its hideous goofiness, try the MST3K version!
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews 
Was this review helpful to you? Yes No

Be the first person to comment on this review.

[Add comment]
Post a comment
To insert a product link use the format: [[ASIN:ASIN product-title]] (What's this?)
Amazon will display this name with all your submissions, including reviews and discussion posts. (Learn more)
Name:
Badge:
This badge will be assigned to you and will appear along with your name.
There was an error. Please try again.
Please see the full guidelines ">here.

Official Comment

As a representative of this product you can post one Official Comment on this review. It will appear immediately below the review wherever it is displayed.   Learn more
The following name and badge will be shown with this comment:
 (edit name)
After clicking on the Post button you will be asked to create your public name, which will be shown with all your contributions.

Is this your product?

If you are the author, artist, manufacturer or an official representative of this product, you can post an Official Comment on this review. It will appear immediately below the review wherever it is displayed.  Learn more
Otherwise, you can still post a regular comment on this review.

Is this your product?

If you are the author, artist, manufacturer or an official representative of this product, you can post an Official Comment on this review. It will appear immediately below the review wherever it is displayed.   Learn more
 
System timed out

We were unable to verify whether you represent the product. Please try again later, or retry now. Otherwise you can post a regular comment.

Since you previously posted an Official Comment, this comment will appear in the comment section below. You also have the option to edit your Official Comment.   Learn more
The maximum number of Official Comments have been posted. This comment will appear in the comment section below.   Learn more
Prompts for sign-in
 


Review Details