Customer Review

59 of 60 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This book gave me the courage I needed. BUY IT, 6 Feb 2008
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This review is from: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Paperback)
I had been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 9 months when I saw this book and bought it for the following reasons:

My boyfriend managed to isolate me from most of my friends to the point where i was sneaking out of work in my lunch hour to meet them in secret. I had to do this because if I told him I was meeting them he would say bad things about them and cause an unbearable atmosphere. Meeting them after work was not an option because he insisted on picking me up from work every single day (come rain or shine) - I only live a short 10 minute walk from work......

I have very little family anyway, making me a really vulnerable target ...

I was criticized for talking to my friends on the telephone. I had my home line disconnected and only used my mobile phone. Then i was criticized for using this. I kept it switched off most of the time just to stop him from having a go at me for incoming calls and text messages. (But he kept his mobile on 24/7).

He liked to make sure I was at home (whilst he went to the pub and clubs). In his mind I was safe at home and wasnt going to go off with any one else. He knew exactly where I was leaving him free to enjoy nights out.

The verbal abuse was much worse when he was drunk or stoned.

He would ignore me for several hours at a time and then suddenly start calling me 'love' and asking me what was wrong!

He made nasty comments about my figure, hair, personality, saying i have no sense of humour, telling me to 'lighten up' . Always complimenting other women in front of me and making a big show when greeting attractive women he knew. If i so much as mentioned another man he flew into a rage.

There would be periods of utter conflict and then suddenly he would be the most wonderful man in the world.

He would tell me to "shut the fu*k up" just for asking him if he wanted to turn the TV over.

The countless breakups and reunions with this man broke my heart to pieces. I never thought I would have the courage to leave. Every time i tried to leave he got back under my skin, promising to change, but never really admitting he was wrong.

He often confused me in arguments. Saying I had said things that I hadnt said etc.

I ended up thinking I was going crazy and that he wasnt really that bad. The above is just a brief, undetailed summary of the full catalogue of horrible events that happened to me whilst i was with him.

When this book arrived I hid it from him and started to read it. Many things jumped out at me and i began to see him, not so much of a boyfriend, but as an ABUSER. Keep that word in mind.

I kept referring to the book to give me the strength I needed and thankfully I got away.

For a few days after leaving him I put notes up around my home to remind me of all of the bad things he was to me "possessive" etc and i put a note on my bathroom mirror saying "i want my life back".

To any one in an abusive relationship, please be careful. Buy this book if you can. Try to leave and if at first you dont succeed, keep trying and read the section on Traumatic Bonding.

You will get there in the end.

There is a life of peace waiting for you.
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Showing 1-4 of 4 posts in this discussion
Initial post: 13 Feb 2008 20:37:01 GMT
I read your short account of what must have felt like a lifetime of abuse and I am so glad you got away. I got away years ago and now reading these books which I did not have access to I am slowly understanding myself. I have made my daughter read them as she too had a first bad choice but luckily broke up after a very short period. I hope the cycle of 'bad partner choice' is over for me but I wish I had read such books 20 years ago. It is amazing to see similiar personalities regardless of education, nationality or religion/spiritual backgrounds.

Posted on 9 Jun 2008 11:28:02 BDT
Debbie says:
Thank you so much Suzie Sun ''the-fox-den'' your comments about this book made me cry. Your final two paragraphs made me cry more because I know I am not alone - I don't wish Domestic Abuse on anyone else - but I am coming to realise I am not alone. I have printed off your review and stuck it on my now small but safe bedroom wall. I have it next to me as I am typing this.

I lived with an abuser for over 20 years - now I can see the signs of his horrible abuse where there from the beginning just didn't see them. It was not my fault.

To all women who are out there who are being abused by their partner read this book - I am going to buy it and thank you to Suzie Sun and all the other women who left comments too. Take care and as Suzie Sun said, 'You will get there in the end . There is a life of peace waiting for you.'

In reply to an earlier post on 31 Aug 2009 21:48:22 BDT
Suzie Sun says:
Hello Samia

I am not sure why but for some reason I decided to look and see if anyone had left a comment on my post. It is a long time since I left that but I remember every word clearly. When I was with that man my life was hell. I met him a month before my mother passed away and he tortured me and would not let me grieve for her. I thought of suicide so many times.

He tried to get back into my life a few times and said I had hurt him by ending it. Some men are totally clueless and selfish.

I have been away from him for 18 months now and have achieved a lot. I still havent found my self another partner yet though because I am still scared, but I will get there eventually.

I hope that you and your daughter are both doing good.

take care and very best wishes xx

In reply to an earlier post on 31 Aug 2009 21:56:13 BDT
Last edited by the author on 22 Nov 2009 16:50:27 GMT
Suzie Sun says:
Hello Debbie

I am not sure why but for some reason I decided to look and see if anyone had left a comment on my post. It is a long time since I left that but I remember every word clearly. When I was with that "man" my life was hell. I met him a month before my mother passed away and he tortured me and would not let me grieve for her. I thought of suicide so many times to escape him.

He tried to get back into my life a few times and said I had hurt him by ending it. Some men are totally clueless and selfish.

I have been away from him for 18 months now and have achieved a lot. I still havent found myself another partner yet though because I am still scared, but I will get there eventually.

I am so sorry that you had to endure 20 years of abuse. You are a compassionate and lovely woman and I am sorry that my words made you cry. But you will never be alone in what you did and are still going through.

I am glad you stuck the review on your wall, and in fact I am honoured. :'-(

I found that sticking notes up gave me a little more strength and encouragement. And i was less likely to let him back in, in case he saw the notes.

I am glad you have a safe place now. I feel as though I would like to give you a hug and so am sending you a "virtual hug".

Please take care and be very vigalent with men. I will watch out for any reply from you if you want to let me know how you are doing.

I ish you a life of peace, space for yourself and happiness. You deserve it.
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