Most helpful critical review
"This Court is now in session, Hon. Darth Maciek presiding, the accused Zack Snyder will please rise to hear the verdict"
on 25 June 2014
This High Court finds the accused, producer and writer of this sequel to his own 2006 splendid masterpiece, guilty as charged of following crimes:
1. Being too lazy to direct this second film
2. Hiring a director who was an absolutely incompetent beginner
3. Being careless (or drunk?) to the point of writing a completely substandard BORING scenario
4. Endorsing abysmally bad actors for two main roles
5. Flashing ugly silicon breasts in public
6. Sending to the front Cersei Lannister, a middle aged mother of three, dressed in a dirty nightgown and armed with a rusty meat cleaver
7. Not only using napalm in V century BC but especially using it poorly...
8. Transforming Xerxes, the gigantic King of Kings, a monument of evil, corruption and depravation, into a pathetic sidekick
9. Showing the battle of Salamis, an apocalyptic clash of fleets and warriors on a scale defying imagination, as a s***ty little skirmish won by a cavalry charge (sic!)
10. Replacing a Bad@ss Leonidas by a Couldn't Care Less Themistocles, who has all the "maiestas, dignitas et gravitas" of an used condom, when the REAL Themistocles was a titan of politics, a genius of warfare, a monument of charisma and also a man of legendary oratory talent. He was in fact so honey-tongued that, in order to ensure the final victory in war, he actually managed to convince the assembly of Athenian citizens to abandon their own beautiful and rich city without fighting - when it was obvious that as result it will be plundered and burned to the ground by Persians...
11. Presenting Ancient Greeks, one of the most warlike, aggressive, clever, dangerous people who EVER lived, as some kind of pacific clueless herbivores... Ancient Greeks were not just mere farmers, herders, artisans, merchants, fishermen and sailors - in fact EVERY single citizen was trained in a very harsh way to fight from his early childhood. All those who could afford appropriate armor and weapons would become hoplits (heavy infantry) with all others becoming peltasts (light infantry of javelin armed skirmishers). As soon as he was of age every citizen participated in wars of his city ("polis") and those conflicts were many, because war, together with philosophy and pederasty, was the favourite pastime for Ancient Greeks. Wars were almost permanent and were waged for any kind of reasons - sometimes to start one it was enough to spit over the border, on another city-state territory (not a tall order, considering the small size of most of "polis"). Small wonder that Ancient Greeks invented Olympic games, which forced all the states to stop fighting once every four years - after all EVERYBODY needs a break from time to time... By trying to show Ancient Greeks as peaceful people reluctantly taking arms against an evil empire this film is simply RIDICULOUS!
12. Showing on the screen the most appalling scene of unsuccessful copulation ever...
13. For all practical purpose destroying a promising franchise
14. Causing waste of perfectly good popcorn in a world where hundreds of millions do not have enough to eat
15. Making people vomit in disgust in the theatres and therefore causing a public health hazard
16. Abundantly humidifying his own legacy with malodorous body fluids...
Sentencing: the film receives two stars because of some visually nice scenes, especially during naval sequences; otherwise this court sentences the accused to a total of no less than five thousand and no more than ten thousand obligatory consecutive viewings of all Jar Jar Binks scenes from "Phantom Menace", 8 (eight hours) per day, seven days per week, allowing during those 8 hours only short toilet and coffee breaks and one 15 minutes lunch break. The shades of 300 Spartans are charged with supervision of the sentence.
This court is now adjourned and considering that this court was stupid enough to watch this film all the way to the end, well, this court is now going to drown its sorrows in strong liquor and debauchery on the court of the King of Kings in company of Court's Own Chipmunks. God save the Queen and all those sorts of things.