on 19 September 2013
For fans of Dethklok and "Metalocalypse" in Region 2, it is a harrowing time. There seems to be no plan to release Season 4 of this outstanding Death Metal Comedy cartoon in our DVD region, necessitating the purchase of either Blu-Ray discs or Region 1 NTSC DVDs. Why this is the case is unknown, but the following is a transcript of a meeting held by The Tribunal, a shadowy and insidious organisation that wields a terrifying amount of behind-the-scenes power. Many Klokateers died to bring us this information . . . .
SENATOR STAMPINGSTON [To Tribunal]: Gentlemen. With the setbacks Dethklok has experienced recently, only Region 1 DVDs and Blu-Rays of their latest exploits are making it onto the market. To shed light on these setbacks is Dethklok Logistics Expert, Doctor Urmurmurfurmyr van den Stonkenfilililighast. [Turns to Expert] Doctor van den Stonkenfilililighast . . . ?
URMURMURFURMYR VAN DEN STONKENFILILILIGHAST [addresses Tribunal]: Having docked their flying fortress estate, Mordhaus, back on the ground, Dethklok experienced a number of misadventures which have had a knock-on effect on their publishing schedule. Nathan's dating of an obsessive fan and the devastating aftermath, the band having to defend themselves against allegations of racism, Murderface's new hobby of making prank calls which escalated far out of proportion, Pickles leaving the band to foray into the world of "real work" to appease his mother, Toki's tell-all exposé of abuse at the hands of Skwisgaar and his subsequent sabbatical to a rock-and-roll fantasy band camp to try to make new friends, the reappearance of Magnus Hammersmith, Dethklok's former rhythm guitarist, Murderface's determination to improve his looks with cosmetic surgery, and finally, tensions have recently arisen between Nathan Explosion and Pickles over -- a woman. That brings us up to date, but . . . . [Van den Stonkenfilililighast shuffles uncomfortably, hesitating.]
VATER ORLAAG: Is something troubling you, Doctor van den Stonkenfilililighast?
VAN DEN STONKENFILILILIGHAST: Um, well . . . I've also come across references to a "Falconback Project" which seems tangential to many of Dethklok's recent exploits, but I've been unable to uncover any further details.
GENERAL CROZIER: Falconback is strictly need-to-know, Doctor. I suggest for your own safety that you don't attempt to delve any further into what you may have gleaned. Dismissed.
[Van den Stonkenfilililighast exits, worried]
CROZIER [addresses Tribunal]: Falconback is too near to completion. Do you think it might have been compromised?
ORLAAG [to Crozier]: I don't think so, General. The good doctor is loyal. I foresee the Falconback Project unfurling as planned. Dethklok is in disarray. They are less of a threat to us now than they have ever been. Falconback is safe.
STAMPINGSTON [to Tribunal]: What news of our hidden cameras in Mordhaus? Do we have any useful intelligence from behind the scenes?
ORLAAG [sheepishly]: Um . . . not really.
CROZIER [to Orlaag]: What do you mean?
ORLAAG: Most of the cameras were found and destroyed. What few remained only captured apparently pointless footage.
CROZIER: Like what?
ORLAAG: A Dethklok-themed trivia game show. A staring contest between Toki and Skwisgaar. Murderface rambling about his surgery whilst lying on his bed, recuperating. Nearly an hour and a half of Nathan Explosion's latest attempt at a Shakespeare book-on-tape: "A Comedy of Errors." Their CFO attempting to rap. And, somehow, an ad for the "Best of Dr. Rockzo" album, Pickles in a floating cage hovering over some scenery whilst drunk, a collection of disturbing art from their fans, and . . . . [hesitates]
CROZIER: What is it? What aren't you telling us?
ORLAGG [nervous]: . . . there's also a video file about . . . The Prophecy.
CROZIER: They know of The Prophecy?! Then we should accelerate our plans and launch Falconback ASAP!
MR. SELATCIA: No-o-o-o. The tiiiime forrr actionnn isss aaal-mossst at haaannd. But for now, weeee willlll waaaaaaiiiit . . . .