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91 of 105 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Well readers, I can't tell no more;
Fifty Shades of Grey Hair

The missus bought a Paperback
down Dymocks, Saturday,
...I had a look in her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.....

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a...
Published on 19 Nov. 2012 by yanni

versus
6,307 of 6,576 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Oh My! What a pile of discarded panties
Oh My, I mean really, Oh my, oh my, oh my......No readers, I have not just been whipped (pardon the pun) into a bosom heaving wreck by the size of my partner's "impressive length". I have in fact, just dragged myself through to the final page of this ludicrous nonsense and found myself almost speechless. Almost...

The main character, Christian Grey, is quite...
Published on 24 Jun. 2012 by Lazycatfish


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6,307 of 6,576 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Oh My! What a pile of discarded panties, 24 Jun. 2012
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Oh My, I mean really, Oh my, oh my, oh my......No readers, I have not just been whipped (pardon the pun) into a bosom heaving wreck by the size of my partner's "impressive length". I have in fact, just dragged myself through to the final page of this ludicrous nonsense and found myself almost speechless. Almost...

The main character, Christian Grey, is quite obviously deranged. This does not however, deter Ana, who for some inexplicable reason, has spent so long with her head in a book that she has never looked in a mirror and noticed that she is a "total babe". A "total babe" who also happens to be a 21 year old virgin. No, Ana, in the space of 3 weeks, falls so crazily in love with "Mr Grey" that she manages to bypass the whole deranged thing and instead concentrates all her efforts on a) going from virgin to porn star faster than Hussain Bolt off the blocks and b) deciding whether to let him hit her with stuff. As you do.

As for Mr Grey, obviously, readers can't be allowed to see him as simply a deranged, manipulative psycho so let's give him smouldering good looks, a few zillion quid to throw around and hey, and this is the clincher, the ability to love art and music (y'know, like Nazi's do in the war films). (Note - the bit where he plays the "haunting" piano piece, semi naked, with his eyes closed actually made me laugh so much that I almost wet myself - in a non-orgasmic way. Check it out....enjoy! ). As if that wasn't enough he also has a personal and financial interest in saving the world from famine. Just that old world peace and cancer to sort out and then hey, job's a good `un. I mean really, how did the world ever shamble along without him? So what made this beautiful, charismatic and talented man so brutal? Could it be a traumatic childhood perhaps? Why, yes I think it could...yaaaaawn....

So, the 2 beautiful people come together (Oh my, another pun) and the rest of the book is basically about Ana wondering if she should let him hit her with stuff and then letting him hit her with stuff and Mr Grey wondering if he should stop hitting her with stuff but still hitting her with stuff while she whines on about wanting "more" love and less of the hitting stuff and he whines on about how he doesn't know how to give "more" cos he has only ever hit people with stuff.

In between these nonsensical blatherings they have lots of sex, which, like piano playing, speaking foreign languages and making zillions of quid, he possesses boundless expertise. Obviously. Luckily, virginal Ana also has her "inner Goddess" to guide her on the art of sex play and soon becomes an orgasm machine, chucking them out all over the place in a rampant, fevered haze of lust. So much so that she overlooks Mr Grey's general bastardry and bends over nicely for a few beatings. She is also too enraptured to take much notice his incessant stalking, which would have got lesser men arrested. Oh, and his `feeder' tendencies that, if successful, would have surely added a good 10 stone onto Ana's lovely buttocks which in turn would have incurred the cost of a refurb' to the `red room of pain' when his ceiling shackles needed reinforcing. Luckily he can afford it.

As many other readers have noted, the writing is appallingly poor and, if you removed the sex bits, would resemble a love struck teenager's diary. It's all been said before so I won't dwell on it. I will just say, if you are looking for erotic fiction, look elsewhere, if you are looking for an unintentionally laugh out loud bit of fluff and nonsense then crack open a bottle, put your feet up and prepare to be amused. Personally I would just say that there goes a day of my life that I will never get back. Oh my!
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10 of 10 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars LOL, 22 Sept. 2012
By 
C. Bransby (uk) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   
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This review is from: Fifty Shades of Grey (Paperback)
This book is so badly written that it's actually funny!

The characters are awful, they don't even sound like real people. The vocabulary is appalling, the storyline is unbelievable, dull, and leaves you wondering why on earth you paid good money for this over-hyped drivel.

Ana is a baffling character, we're supposed to believe she's intelligent, and brave because she occasionally defies nutcase Christian...and then promptly gives in and does what he wants...hmmm. She also spends the majority of the book crying because he isn't there/crying when he is there/whining about him hitting her/letting him hit her/crying and whining because he hit her/running off because she asked him to hit her and didn't like it when he hit her! It gets a little repetitive...as do the ridiculous sex scenes, which are the reason why there IS so much hype.

You'll probably get tired of Christian being a weirdo and stalking Ana, which is something she particularly seems to enjoy, but there you go! There are some pretty rank moments that add nothing to the tedious and pointless plot, again I can't stress how poorly written the whole thing is, I don't want to read the words 'oh my' and 'holy crap' every two minutes!

So yeah if you want to read something ludicrous and don't mind losing hours of your life that you will never get back, then this is for you!
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9 of 9 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars moronic, crude, and shockingly anti-feminist, 30 July 2012
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Oh my, what a blow to feminism this garbage of a book is! Here we are, in the 21st century, witnessing the unbelievable situation of a book becoming a bestseller when it is about a woman being abused and used as a sex slave! Plus, 'Fifty Shades' promotes a very questionable attitude towards paedophilia, and it openly promotes and justifies violence against women... only an idiot would think that this is OK because the trilogy has a happy ending. Such attitudes are not OK, and it is very sad and worrying that such a toxic book is liked by so many people.

It is also inexplicable, because the trilogy has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. To say that 'Fifty Shades' completely lacks any literary value is a huge understatement. There is no plot to speak of, and the characters are so superficially constructed and so impossible, it would be funny if there weren't so many people who like this giant pile of drivel.

Let's see: in this so-called love story, the man likes to physically hurt the women he has sex with, and to treat them like slaves. He is a 27-year old self-made billionaire 'Adonis' who has a very big company, a very big helicopter, a very big apartment, and a very big penis (but of course he has!).

The woman in the book is even more unbelievable as a character: she is of course very attractive, and finishes University in 2011 without ever having owned a computer, ever having been drunk, and a virgin. When having sex for the first time she experiences hardly any pain at all even though the sex is rough and repeated... and straight away manages to: discover her 'inner goddess' capable of driving a man wild with passion; have one orgasm after the other practically when requested to do so; move straight away from being the simpleton virgin to being perfect at fellatio - both technically, and because she has no gag reflex (but of course she hasn't!).

And, even though she is supposed to have studied literature at degree level, the woman is a complete cretin whose capacity to express her thoughts and feelings is reduced to saying 'Jeez, he's so hot!' and 'Crap, I really like him!' all the time, and not much more than that. And so it goes, one brain-numbing page after another; the sex scenes soon become tiresome and a complete bore for the reader who was naive enough to believe the hype and hoped this book was a page turner about relationships and love and credible stuff happening to believable people...

On the other hand, this book is excellent if you are on a diet and want something to put you off your food - the graphic (albeit rather unimaginative) sex scenes come complete with copious descriptions of tastes and smells of bodily fluids and secretions. Very crude and yucky indeed.

The whole trilogy is also excellent if you are:

- interested in sado-masochism (although you might be disappointed. According to a recent TV documentary about the book, the actual S&M stuff is pretty tame compared to what people 'in the know' actually get up to in real life...)
- interested in pornography
- very good at suspending disbelief (ie you have the intellectual capacity of a 6-year old, but you're an adult according to your birth certificate)
- the makers, cast, or fans of 'TOWIE', 'Big Brother' and other such offerings on TV for today's brain-dead

This book will not suit those who:

- have a good grip on reality
- have good taste (literary and otherwise)
- are normal in their sexual preferences, and do not think that being normal is something to be ashamed of
- consider that the abundant use of the 'F' word in conversation and during sex, and the mention of things such as 'butt plugs' and 'genital clamps', are decidedly NOT romantic (I worry for the poor idiot whose review of this unsavoury book is published on its back cover... their notion of 'Romantic' needs to be seriously re-evaluated!)
- believe that a book should make you think, not vomit

Oh how I wish I had kept my money and listened to the reviewers here who said that 'Fifty Shades' is a pile of rubbish. I honestly wanted to be open-minded, and really tried to give it a chance. But after the first 100 or so pages my mind simply refuses to be polluted any more, so my copy of the whole trilogy is going straight in the recycling bin. I would not insult a charity shop by donating this moronic, offensive and toxic filth.
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8 of 8 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars 50 Shades of GARBAGE, 7 July 2012
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I have never wrote a book review before but after reading that thing that calls itself a book, I felt compelled to write about my utter disappointment.

I succumbed to the hype and bought the book and after reading about 10 pages, I was bored to death. The book could've been written by my 3 year old niece, and even then it would've been more entertaining! The story had absolutely no depth, no backbone, nothing. At every other (kindle) page turn my 'inner goddess' wanted to kill herself. What the hell is an 'inner goddess' anyway?!

The basic fact is that NOTHING actually happens in the book. Anastasia is pathetic and needs to get a grip on life (and possibly her sanity), Christian is an absolute psycho with so many obvious problems you wouldn't even touch him with a bargepole and...well that's it. Christian gets his kicks from controlling and beating women and Anastasia, who is a 21 year old virgin but looks like a 'total babe', spends the entire book wondering if he's right in the head, which he quite obviously isn't. The sex scenes are anything but erotic, quite frankly I was yawning and found myself only reading the damn thing so I could reach the end and be able to set my kindle on fire - just kidding. I don't care about Christian's 'naked feet' (whatever that is) or his 'molten gray eyes' or how his pants 'hang in that way' *drool*. ANASTASIA - HE IS A WEIRDO GET OUT OF THERE.

It is just so unrealistic! If I have to hear about another of Anastasias's 'body-shattering orgasms' due to the oh-so-perfect Christian's out-of-this world sex skills I think I will rip my eyes from their sockets. This book is setting unrealistic sexual expectations to young people, it is very unlikely that you will have a 'delicious, violent, exhausting orgasm' after a week of having a sexual relationship. NO.

By the way, if Christian ever told me I couldn't have male friends or spend time with my friends I would tell him where to shove that and all his millions. Save your mind and sanity and do not read this book. It's books such as this that are ruining literature: alas, the death of books is finally upon us! Run for your life!
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8 of 8 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Juvenile, 27 Jun. 2012
By 
read.a.book (Redcar, Cleveland UK) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Fifty Shades of Grey (Paperback)
If like me you were wondering whether to succumb to temptation and download this book, you'll probably end up regretting it like I do. I am on around chapter 12 and honestly cannot believe that this woman even got published. The sex scenes are sort of ok, but there isn't much of a plot going on. Instead there are endless annoying phrases that nobody says such as "oh my", "holy crap" and "he cocked his head to one side" on EVERY page and it becomes laughable.

The characters are not believable. Christian Grey has somehow amassed a fortune of billions at the tender age of 27 and is a powerful businessman who apparently stalks his victims out to become subjects in his 'Red Room of Pain' in his plush apartment with 'large rooms' and 'top of the art Apple Mac computer'. The latest such victim is a 21 year-old virgin undergraduate called Ana who turns from sweet and innocence to overnight sex slave thinking about signing a contract to hand herself over to Mr Grey every weekend for three months for a darned good spanking whenever the mood so takes him. In return for this, she will get to attend posh dinners and get fancy dresses. In other words, it's Pretty Woman with a bit of S&M thrown in for good measure.

I have not yet found out what made Mr Grey this way, but we are persuaded to believe his being adopted had something do with it and his naughty Aunt took his virginity and introduced him to this exotic world of handcuffs and whips and chains when he was 15.

I don't think the author has decided where the book is set either as her mixture of American locations and British phrases are somewhat confusing.

For me (and this is the reason it seems juvenile) the characters especially Christian Grey don't seem old enough to be so into this sadistic way of life. I would've had him down to be in his forties at least. Ana should seem a lot more attractive than the author describes her. There is no reason I can see why Mr Grey would be so attracted to Ana. She seems a gawky, awkward girl-nextdoor type and not much of a prospective candidate for a sex Goddess. Having said that, they do say the quiet ones are the worst!!!!!!!!

Ran out of things to complain about now.
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8 of 8 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Over hyped rubbish, 4 July 2012
This review is from: Fifty Shades of Grey (Paperback)
I don't normally bother doing reviews. However, all the hype about this book prompted me to do just that. I will appologise now for any spelling / grammatical errors as I am doing this in a rush before work.
My husband bought this for me several weeks ago having heard how good it was. Thankfully he got it cheap at Asda.
This book has clearly divided opinions - you either love or hate it. I am not in the "love it" category.
This is, in my opinion, Mills and Boon with emotionally & sexually immature adults plus BDSM, though that might be being rude to Mills and Boon.
In agreement with other reviews, I found this book to be poorly written, in a very a limited vocabluary with unbelieveable characters and story line. I definitely didn't warm to any of them and the sex scenes were not at all erotic. I did get a few laughs from the book though, which I very much doubt was authors intention.
My other complaint is the way BDSM is portrayed - this is not a lifestyle I know much about, but I do know that it is not the abusive relationship in this book.
I got the feeling I was reading a book written by a very young woman with very little life experience, coupled with poor literary ability.
There are some great books about, including erotica - this is not one of them and I have no desire to read the sequels - especially as the silly girl no doubt goes back to him.
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8 of 8 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Awful, but slightly disturbing, 13 July 2012
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This book is as bad as others have said, but the worst thing about it is not the awful or repetitive writing, it is the fact that vulnerable teenage girls may read it and think abuse can be part of a relationship because the guy is rich, good looking and has a glamorous lifestyle. He has perverse desires, plain and simple, regardless of the excuse his upbringing seems to hint at. The girl is not into this scene and the fact that the author has portrayed her as seemingly enjoying many aspects, in spite of being a virgin to begin with, does not ring true.
I think the book has been so successful because it has pushed the boundaries of recent 'romantic fiction' and provided many controversial scenes; snippets of which are passed onto others, encouraging more readers to 'see what it is all about.' How bored must some people be for this to feature so much in their lives. I admit I became drawn in from friends comments, needing to know why there was so much fuss about this book. Well now I do know, and I wish I had not wasted my money on something that has made me feel so uncomfortable, just to satisfy my curiosity.
Call it what you will, but it portrays an abusive lifestyle. Many people all over the world suffer from a controlling partner, whether they have someone physically or mentally abusive. Not to be glamorised in any shape or form.
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1,251 of 1,319 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars *rolls eyes*, 6 July 2012
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"So" he asks, looking at me with his grey eyes "what did you think of the book?"
I bite my lower lip, looking at his beautiful face.
"well?" he asks. I roll my eyes and blush and have an earth shatttering orgasm as I see his trousers hanging in.... That way. My inner goddess faceplants.
"oh my" I say.
We bonk for a few minutes.
He points his long finger at me. "you haven't answered me yet."
Holy crap I mutter.
He spanks me, I have an orgasm which makes me shatter into a thousand pieces then burst into tears.
Him and his twitchy palms. Ooh and his white linen shirt.
He tweaks my nipple. I orgasm again. From virgin to sex kitten in less time then it takes most people to clean the fridge. Not bad!!!
We have earth shattering sex AGAIN.
And again

Repeat until authors pen runs out.
The end.
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27 of 28 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Repetitive and juvenile, 10 July 2012
This review is from: Fifty Shades of Grey (Paperback)
Badly written and completely ridiculous story of a 21 year old woman (Anastasia Steele - who happens to be stunning AND a virgin...) who becomes obsessed with a maniac (Christian Grey) who happens to have a shedload of cash and an impressive length.
For reasons totally beyond sense, she lets herself get involved with him as his sex slave, submitting herself body and mind, why?
I can't begin to say how fed up I was of reading the words 'Oh my....' and to be honest, after reading the first few chapters, I almost wanted to beat the jesus out of her myself so perhaps Christian isn't all bad?

Honestly, if you are wanting an alternative love story with a hint of dominance and lot of emotional intensity, do yourself a favour and read Michel Faber's outstanding 'The Crimson Petal and the White'. Beautifully written and worth giving up many hours for.
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1,930 of 2,040 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Unadulterated tosh, 20 April 2012
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I downloaded this one morning whilst listening to BBC Radio 4's Woman's Hour and hearing E.L James being interviewed.

I'll confess: I did read it from end to end, and I must also confess that my Trollope took a backseat for a couple of days. But when I'd finished 50 SoG, it was a relief to go back to some proper literature, feeling saddened, cheapened, almost used, by having read it. Make no mistake: 50 Shades of Grey is utter rubbish!

The central theme is that a rather naive college student, Ana, is swept off her feet after a chance encounter with a fabulously wealthy business man, Christian Grey CEO. (He's ok though because his company sends aid to Darfur.) Not only is he immensely rich, but he has the looks to match - of which we are constantly reminded. He has "two penetrating gray eyes". Yes, that'll be both of them, and they combine to give him a "penetrating gaze"; he has "beautifully chiseled lips" and a square jaw. This together with the way his gray sweat pants hang off his hips "in that way", leave the poor girl wobbly at the knees.

His penis of course is equally magnificent. Indeed it scarcely ever appears without her being bowled over by its "impressive length". His erection (permanent, it appears) is "impressive". And of course he only has to enter her for her to have an an orgasm that causes her body to "convulse and shatter into a thousand pieces". Next time she "shatters again into tiny fragments", before "her traitorous body explodes in an intense body-shattering orgasm". She wonders will her body withstand "another earth-shattering moment". At least he is polite enough to comment in a moment of untypical post-coital congeniality, "You're shattered, aren't you?".
And so it goes on. The book does not reveal the mechanics by which the tiny fragments of the orgasm-shattered Ana were constantly put back together again. The secret of this process might have served Humpty Dumpty well.

The twist in the tale is that Christian is a sadistic sexual dominant who likes to tie his women up and thrash them before intercourse. It's not entirely clear whether this is consensual - but having been gagged Ana doesn't manage to say "no", so at least it's not rape. The agonising decision that Ana has to make is whether to lose him, or sign a contract submitting to his perversion.

As an undercurrent there is a suggestion that Christian himself was abused as a child, and this may explain his brutal treatment of women. Although she discovers that she is his 16th submissive partner, his own sad childhood engenders sympathy in Ana's mind - and so being whipped, spanked, gagged, tied up and forcibly screwed is the least she might do for him.
The man is not totally thoughtless: he arranges for her to be seen by his ice-cool, blonde doctor who prescribes contraception. After all, what fun would it be thrashing a woman who was pregnant? In the meantime he carries an endless supply of condoms, referred to by James as "foil packets". So he "grabs a foil packet"; releases her hair in order to rip a foil packet; and this delightful passage:
"You want it, you got it, baby," he mutters producing a foil packet from his pants pocket while he unzips his pants. Oh, Mr Boy Scout. He rolls the condom over his erection and gazes down at me. "I sure hope you're ready," he breathes, a salacious smile across his face. And in a moment, he's filling me [...] I groan... oh yes. "Christ, Ana. You're so ready," he whispers in veneration.

Again it would be wrong to traduce Christian while ignoring his good points: he replaces her ageing and much loved Beetle with a new Audi and takes her for a trip in his helicopter; and he buys her a first edition of Tess of the D'Urbervilles. Yes, he's not a total arse: he likes Delibes and Pouilly Fume and can play the piano with haunting melancholy - before his thoughts inevitably turn to sex. ""Maybe on my piano," he whispers. Oh my. My whole body tightens at the thought. Piano. Wow." I kid you not.

The story is desperately thin: poorly written, repetitive in its descriptions (there is an almost unbelievable amount of eye-rolling and lip-biting - both offences that lead to a spanking), one dimensional characters, and it's frankly stupid. Nothing really happens: rich man woos innocent women; he shags her; he beats her; she wonders if she is doing the right thing. That's about it.

Apart from using orgasms as some kind of punctuation, the book also features unbelievably tedious e-mail exchanges between the two characters. After reading a couple of lines I found myself skipping the rest. They are just puerile. You are, I suppose, to take note of some of the subtleties of these conversations: his use of "shouty capitals" and the funny way that he signs himself "Christian Grey Palm-Twitching CEO" after he has given her a good spanking. Oh dear! So endearing.

At a risk of sounding repetitive myself, how many times do you think an author might use the expression "my inner goddess" in one book? Once or twice might suffice, but Ms James uses it 65 (yes, 65) times. Example:

"Ha! My inner goddess is thrilled. I can do this." (She manages to get the Impressive One into her mouth.)
"My inner goddess smacks her lips together glowing with pride." (He gives her an 'A' for swallowing.)
"... he looks at me hungrily. Jeez, my inner goddess swoons"; (He "squeezes carnality" into her name. At least that is one you can try at home.)
"My inner goddess polevaults over the fifteen-foot bar" (she didn't wear her panties when she meets his parents for dinner);
"My inner goddess is still basking in a remnant of post-coital glow. No - we are all clueless. I towel-dry my hair...".
By the end of the book I was ready to strangle the inner goddess and the external part too.

The book ends inconclusively. At first I thought that maybe the author had got bored with the whole thing and decided to pack it in. Then I discovered that there are two sequels. I also didn't realise until later that the book had originally been posted as fan-fiction. I don't pretend to know much about this, but I guess it may explain the lack of structure and the repetition. If you are turning out a couple of hundred words at a time for serialisation, maybe there is no imperative to write well.

As a piece of titillating light-hearted fun, this might keep you amused for a little while; but as a piece of literature worthy of the author making the hallowed interview seat on Woman's Hour, NO! It's awful.
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