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87 of 101 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Well readers, I can't tell no more;
Fifty Shades of Grey Hair

The missus bought a Paperback
down Dymocks, Saturday,
...I had a look in her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.....

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a...
Published on 19 Nov 2012 by yanni

6,276 of 6,542 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Oh My! What a pile of discarded panties
Oh My, I mean really, Oh my, oh my, oh my......No readers, I have not just been whipped (pardon the pun) into a bosom heaving wreck by the size of my partner's "impressive length". I have in fact, just dragged myself through to the final page of this ludicrous nonsense and found myself almost speechless. Almost...

The main character, Christian Grey, is quite...
Published on 24 Jun 2012 by Lazycatfish

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6,276 of 6,542 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Oh My! What a pile of discarded panties, 24 Jun 2012
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Oh My, I mean really, Oh my, oh my, oh my......No readers, I have not just been whipped (pardon the pun) into a bosom heaving wreck by the size of my partner's "impressive length". I have in fact, just dragged myself through to the final page of this ludicrous nonsense and found myself almost speechless. Almost...

The main character, Christian Grey, is quite obviously deranged. This does not however, deter Ana, who for some inexplicable reason, has spent so long with her head in a book that she has never looked in a mirror and noticed that she is a "total babe". A "total babe" who also happens to be a 21 year old virgin. No, Ana, in the space of 3 weeks, falls so crazily in love with "Mr Grey" that she manages to bypass the whole deranged thing and instead concentrates all her efforts on a) going from virgin to porn star faster than Hussain Bolt off the blocks and b) deciding whether to let him hit her with stuff. As you do.

As for Mr Grey, obviously, readers can't be allowed to see him as simply a deranged, manipulative psycho so let's give him smouldering good looks, a few zillion quid to throw around and hey, and this is the clincher, the ability to love art and music (y'know, like Nazi's do in the war films). (Note - the bit where he plays the "haunting" piano piece, semi naked, with his eyes closed actually made me laugh so much that I almost wet myself - in a non-orgasmic way. Check it out....enjoy! ). As if that wasn't enough he also has a personal and financial interest in saving the world from famine. Just that old world peace and cancer to sort out and then hey, job's a good `un. I mean really, how did the world ever shamble along without him? So what made this beautiful, charismatic and talented man so brutal? Could it be a traumatic childhood perhaps? Why, yes I think it could...yaaaaawn....

So, the 2 beautiful people come together (Oh my, another pun) and the rest of the book is basically about Ana wondering if she should let him hit her with stuff and then letting him hit her with stuff and Mr Grey wondering if he should stop hitting her with stuff but still hitting her with stuff while she whines on about wanting "more" love and less of the hitting stuff and he whines on about how he doesn't know how to give "more" cos he has only ever hit people with stuff.

In between these nonsensical blatherings they have lots of sex, which, like piano playing, speaking foreign languages and making zillions of quid, he possesses boundless expertise. Obviously. Luckily, virginal Ana also has her "inner Goddess" to guide her on the art of sex play and soon becomes an orgasm machine, chucking them out all over the place in a rampant, fevered haze of lust. So much so that she overlooks Mr Grey's general bastardry and bends over nicely for a few beatings. She is also too enraptured to take much notice his incessant stalking, which would have got lesser men arrested. Oh, and his `feeder' tendencies that, if successful, would have surely added a good 10 stone onto Ana's lovely buttocks which in turn would have incurred the cost of a refurb' to the `red room of pain' when his ceiling shackles needed reinforcing. Luckily he can afford it.

As many other readers have noted, the writing is appallingly poor and, if you removed the sex bits, would resemble a love struck teenager's diary. It's all been said before so I won't dwell on it. I will just say, if you are looking for erotic fiction, look elsewhere, if you are looking for an unintentionally laugh out loud bit of fluff and nonsense then crack open a bottle, put your feet up and prepare to be amused. Personally I would just say that there goes a day of my life that I will never get back. Oh my!
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1,225 of 1,288 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars *rolls eyes*, 6 July 2012
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"So" he asks, looking at me with his grey eyes "what did you think of the book?"
I bite my lower lip, looking at his beautiful face.
"well?" he asks. I roll my eyes and blush and have an earth shatttering orgasm as I see his trousers hanging in.... That way. My inner goddess faceplants.
"oh my" I say.
We bonk for a few minutes.
He points his long finger at me. "you haven't answered me yet."
Holy crap I mutter.
He spanks me, I have an orgasm which makes me shatter into a thousand pieces then burst into tears.
Him and his twitchy palms. Ooh and his white linen shirt.
He tweaks my nipple. I orgasm again. From virgin to sex kitten in less time then it takes most people to clean the fridge. Not bad!!!
We have earth shattering sex AGAIN.
And again

Repeat until authors pen runs out.
The end.
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1,924 of 2,033 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Unadulterated tosh, 20 April 2012
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I downloaded this one morning whilst listening to BBC Radio 4's Woman's Hour and hearing E.L James being interviewed.

I'll confess: I did read it from end to end, and I must also confess that my Trollope took a backseat for a couple of days. But when I'd finished 50 SoG, it was a relief to go back to some proper literature, feeling saddened, cheapened, almost used, by having read it. Make no mistake: 50 Shades of Grey is utter rubbish!

The central theme is that a rather naive college student, Ana, is swept off her feet after a chance encounter with a fabulously wealthy business man, Christian Grey CEO. (He's ok though because his company sends aid to Darfur.) Not only is he immensely rich, but he has the looks to match - of which we are constantly reminded. He has "two penetrating gray eyes". Yes, that'll be both of them, and they combine to give him a "penetrating gaze"; he has "beautifully chiseled lips" and a square jaw. This together with the way his gray sweat pants hang off his hips "in that way", leave the poor girl wobbly at the knees.

His penis of course is equally magnificent. Indeed it scarcely ever appears without her being bowled over by its "impressive length". His erection (permanent, it appears) is "impressive". And of course he only has to enter her for her to have an an orgasm that causes her body to "convulse and shatter into a thousand pieces". Next time she "shatters again into tiny fragments", before "her traitorous body explodes in an intense body-shattering orgasm". She wonders will her body withstand "another earth-shattering moment". At least he is polite enough to comment in a moment of untypical post-coital congeniality, "You're shattered, aren't you?".
And so it goes on. The book does not reveal the mechanics by which the tiny fragments of the orgasm-shattered Ana were constantly put back together again. The secret of this process might have served Humpty Dumpty well.

The twist in the tale is that Christian is a sadistic sexual dominant who likes to tie his women up and thrash them before intercourse. It's not entirely clear whether this is consensual - but having been gagged Ana doesn't manage to say "no", so at least it's not rape. The agonising decision that Ana has to make is whether to lose him, or sign a contract submitting to his perversion.

As an undercurrent there is a suggestion that Christian himself was abused as a child, and this may explain his brutal treatment of women. Although she discovers that she is his 16th submissive partner, his own sad childhood engenders sympathy in Ana's mind - and so being whipped, spanked, gagged, tied up and forcibly screwed is the least she might do for him.
The man is not totally thoughtless: he arranges for her to be seen by his ice-cool, blonde doctor who prescribes contraception. After all, what fun would it be thrashing a woman who was pregnant? In the meantime he carries an endless supply of condoms, referred to by James as "foil packets". So he "grabs a foil packet"; releases her hair in order to rip a foil packet; and this delightful passage:
"You want it, you got it, baby," he mutters producing a foil packet from his pants pocket while he unzips his pants. Oh, Mr Boy Scout. He rolls the condom over his erection and gazes down at me. "I sure hope you're ready," he breathes, a salacious smile across his face. And in a moment, he's filling me [...] I groan... oh yes. "Christ, Ana. You're so ready," he whispers in veneration.

Again it would be wrong to traduce Christian while ignoring his good points: he replaces her ageing and much loved Beetle with a new Audi and takes her for a trip in his helicopter; and he buys her a first edition of Tess of the D'Urbervilles. Yes, he's not a total arse: he likes Delibes and Pouilly Fume and can play the piano with haunting melancholy - before his thoughts inevitably turn to sex. ""Maybe on my piano," he whispers. Oh my. My whole body tightens at the thought. Piano. Wow." I kid you not.

The story is desperately thin: poorly written, repetitive in its descriptions (there is an almost unbelievable amount of eye-rolling and lip-biting - both offences that lead to a spanking), one dimensional characters, and it's frankly stupid. Nothing really happens: rich man woos innocent women; he shags her; he beats her; she wonders if she is doing the right thing. That's about it.

Apart from using orgasms as some kind of punctuation, the book also features unbelievably tedious e-mail exchanges between the two characters. After reading a couple of lines I found myself skipping the rest. They are just puerile. You are, I suppose, to take note of some of the subtleties of these conversations: his use of "shouty capitals" and the funny way that he signs himself "Christian Grey Palm-Twitching CEO" after he has given her a good spanking. Oh dear! So endearing.

At a risk of sounding repetitive myself, how many times do you think an author might use the expression "my inner goddess" in one book? Once or twice might suffice, but Ms James uses it 65 (yes, 65) times. Example:

"Ha! My inner goddess is thrilled. I can do this." (She manages to get the Impressive One into her mouth.)
"My inner goddess smacks her lips together glowing with pride." (He gives her an 'A' for swallowing.)
"... he looks at me hungrily. Jeez, my inner goddess swoons"; (He "squeezes carnality" into her name. At least that is one you can try at home.)
"My inner goddess polevaults over the fifteen-foot bar" (she didn't wear her panties when she meets his parents for dinner);
"My inner goddess is still basking in a remnant of post-coital glow. No - we are all clueless. I towel-dry my hair...".
By the end of the book I was ready to strangle the inner goddess and the external part too.

The book ends inconclusively. At first I thought that maybe the author had got bored with the whole thing and decided to pack it in. Then I discovered that there are two sequels. I also didn't realise until later that the book had originally been posted as fan-fiction. I don't pretend to know much about this, but I guess it may explain the lack of structure and the repetition. If you are turning out a couple of hundred words at a time for serialisation, maybe there is no imperative to write well.

As a piece of titillating light-hearted fun, this might keep you amused for a little while; but as a piece of literature worthy of the author making the hallowed interview seat on Woman's Hour, NO! It's awful.
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2,040 of 2,156 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Unintentionally hilarious!, 18 May 2012
Roman Clodia (London) - See all my reviews
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There are hundreds of reviews here and people are clearly split into two camps: the 5 stars `loved it', and the 1 star `hated it'. I'm in the latter (forced to read this for a book group). But for all the leaden, wooden, repetitive, frequently juvenile-sounding prose, and the profoundly unerotic sex scenes, this book is so awful that it's brilliant... in an unintentional kind of way.

Read aloud in the pub over a bottle or two, this provided hours of fun as our `heroine' took one look at Christian Grey's gray eyes (yes, really) and his messy hair, and the way his trousers hang "in that way" (what way?) and literally falls flat on her face in front of him. Clearly smitten by her cute innocence, Christian of the grey eyes, sculptured lips, and spicy scent is soon whipping out his little "foil packets", his riding crops and hand-cuffs, and giving our previously-virginal Ana multiple and seemingly instantaneous orgasms, all of which are "shattering".

We particularly enjoyed the way Christian manages most of his sexual exploits either fully-dressed (just a quick unzipping and a coy fiddle with a "foil packet") or with his shirt (always white linen) still on, while Ana bit her lip, and breathed `oh my!' for the umpteenth time.

So, really, this IS as bad as people say - but for barely more than two quid it managed to provide hours of derisive laughter.
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244 of 258 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Oh MY, 2 July 2012
This review is from: Fifty Shades of Grey (Paperback)
This is a landmark piece of literature: not just the fastest book ever sold in the UK, but conclusive evidence that you are allowed to steal somebody else's novel, take out the only element that made the original bearable,add a bit of middle-age-fantasy S&M and hit the "replace" key for all names, and inexplicably not get sued for it.

There is nothing good about this book. At least with Twilight it had the excuse of being aimed at teenagers who couldn't be expected to know that a) it had been done before and b) it wasn't very good: this is being purchased by grown up ADULTS, and I'm ashamed to say I'm now one of them. It's not just offensive to erotic novels, it's offensive to men, women, sex, England, America and literature. Which is, if you look at it in a positive light, quite a massive achievement with just a few bits of paper.

In terms of basic writing, it's unbearable. Worse, it tries so hard to drag itself into an intelligent arena by name-dropping - repeatedly - real literature: Austen, Bronte, Hardy, Shakespeare. At one point I literally found myself screaming "GET YOUR DIRTY LITTLE HANDS OFF THOMAS HARDY, JAMES", because frankly crap of this standard has no right whatsoever trying to claw its way out of the literary swamp by quoting sections of Tess of the D'Urbervilles and comparing its protagonist to one of the most fragile, brave, three dimensional heroines ever written.

Ah, Ana Steele. It didn't seem possible that there would ever be a lead female character as boring, constantly tremulous or silly as Bella Swann, but James has done a magnificent job: Ana Steele is even worse. For all of their love of "classic British fiction", both James and Ana seem to be missing the key to their success: classics have real women, with believable and likeable personalities. Not lip-biting, slightly schizophrenic, weak and consantly-orgasmic hussies. Put Ana Steele into any Austen book, and she'd be the one-legged prostitute the other characters try not to step on on their way to parties.

The epynonymous Christian Grey is without exception the creepiest male character I've ever read, and I want him out of my imagination RIGHT NOW. Stalking, obsessive, possessive, controlling, humourless men like Grey are not sexy: they're the subject of court cases and restraining orders. This isn't a triumph of representation, by the way: if James was aiming for skin-crawling repulsion, at least she'd be succeeding somewhere. But Christian Grey - despite being a man who gasps nearly as regularly as Ana - is supposed to be an Alpha Male, because apparently strong men don't take "no" for an answer.

I WISH I was offended by the sex scenes. I WISH I could throw it across the room, decide that the world's taste in literature is too horny for me, and simply pat myself on the back for being an uptight prude. But I'm all up for sex in books, as long as it's done well: this is not. It's as bad as a grainy porn film from the 80s, and as old-fashioned.

What makes me sad, really, is knowing that a book like this can make a woman like James rich, and take thousands and thousands of hours from the lives of people all over the world. What makes me even more sad is that I am one of them.

Save your money, save your soul, and - for the love of all things literary - just go buy Tess of the D'Urbervilles.
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7 of 7 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Entertaining - but not literary genius, 29 April 2012
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Like other reviewers, I found there was a lack of maturity in the prose, but as I read through the book (on my kindle, on a plane, and feeling like I was doing something I really shouldn't!) I have to say it kept me interested. I've heard it said that this book is revolutionising women's sex lives, but I am not sure why. There is a little bit of tying up, doing sex blindfold to music, and some spanking, but Christian and Anastasia don't really indulge in anything hugely out of the ordinary, thought Christian's ability to be up for it at a moment's notice is truly impressive, if somewhat unrealistic. The sex scenes got a bit repetitive so I ended up skimming through them. In my opinion, quality should override quantity when including graphic sex scenes in a book, and the author could have had us squirming in our seats if she had done this well (which she didn't, and I wasn't).
Again, like other readers, I was irritated by the overuse of silly references to 'my inner goddess' and the constant lip biting and palm twitching didn't really add anything to the story.
Still, this novel does seem to be very popular, which makes me think I have missed my vocation and should start writing myself (biting my lower lip in anticipation!)
I will read the rest of the trilogy to see how the plot develops, but guess it will probably just be more of the same.
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290 of 307 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars When fan-fic goes global, 24 Jun 2012
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This review is from: Fifty Shades of Grey (Paperback)
Finished Fifty Shades of Grey.

While I'm in no way a literary type - as we all know - I still believe a novel can teach us something vital.

Here's a brief list of the many lessons this novel has taught me.

1. People in Seattle, USA talk exactly the same as in Surrey, UK.

2. University-educated women still wear pink PJ's with fluffy bunnies on them.

3. University-educated women say 'Oh my God!', 'Crap!' and 'Double crap!' more times hourly than a teenage male thinks about sex daily.

4. A 'mega-industrialist tycoon' talks like a character from Le Morte D'Arthur...

5. ...and has time to spend his day ceaselessly e-mailing.

6. Newcomers to oral sex have no gag reflex.

7. The more ham-fisted allusions to Thomas Hardy, the more gravitas.

8. Forcing the word 'dearest' as many, many times as possible into a sentence really, really, improves it.

9. Spelling out your theme for the reader in every third chapter is an adroit strategy.

10. A sub's contract needs 3 appendices.

11. Orgasms feel like 'a spin cycle'.

12. A sentence like 'He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle' is deathless.
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221 of 234 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Why? Why? Why?, 15 Jun 2012
If you have self respect, do NOT read this book.

When people suggest the book is "pornographic" they are speaking completely literally. I judge myself for having read some of the stuff in it. It is irritatingly plotless, with entirely unrealistic sex scenes.The fact that the book is pornographic wouldn't bother me, if it weren't for the fact that is sounds like sexual encounters as described by an 11-year old. She uses childish phrases like "Down THERE" and "my Sex" (as a noun to mean her genitals) which make the book seem even more creepy than it already is.

In addition to that it is extraordinarily badly written! There are a few phrases that are actually used every single page, without exception. There are frequent spelling and grammar mistakes, and the writer even seems to forget where she has decided to set the book a couple of times.

All of this may deter from the quality of the book, but for me the thing that makes it unbearable, is hearing people describe it as "romance". Seriously?! Although some healthy couples are into BDSM, this is NOT an example of a BDSM relationship. To me, this is a fully abusive relationship. I cannot understand what book people are reading when they suggest Christian Grey is romantic.

I think this book will create immense problems over the next few years, with girls allowing themselves to be abused, as the heroin does in this novel. Its disturbing, unhealthy, abusive, and very badly written. Please do not read this, it is a purchase I regret entirely.
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104 of 110 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Absolutely hilarious, 28 Aug 2012
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I don't like giving books a 1 star review, because, well really no book is THAT bad, it got published after all. There was so much hype around this book that I finally just looked it up on the Kindle store, saw that it was apparently very poorly written, and asked my boyfriend if he fancied having a laugh as I read the book out loud. I was certain that it couldn't be as bad as many of the reviews were making out.... but it was. Oh my, it was.

The writing is just... terrible. The author uses the same words over and over again. Nobody in the book just "says" anything, they all "murmur". The only other thing they do is mutter. Christian Grey always has a "ghost of a smile on his lips", is always "gazing" at people, Ana flushes every 5 minutes, constantly says "oh my", and everyone seems to gasp at regular intervals. And words are often used in the wrong context, or just in a clumsy fashion. There are so many terrible metaphors and similes that we often just found ourselves laughing out loud.

The characters are bipolar, or something. Ana and Grey are all of a sudden really hostile to each other (for no apparent reason), then in the next paragraph they're very friendly and kind. Then all of a sudden back to being hostile. It made no sense. Grey got ridiculously angry when he found out Ana was a virgin and starts shouting "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!?!" but they'd only met about 3 times previously. Grey himself is, I'm 100% sure, the result of two teenagers dreaming up their ideal man. "He should be handsome! And really muscular. And he needs to be rich, and want to end famine, and love art, and be a concert pianist, and a pilot, and be really good at sex. Oh, and his pants should always hang, you know... in that way. You know what I mean!" Grey is simultaneously described as a muscular Adonis, and having a lithe, slim figure, and his eyes are always blazing or burning or scorching or doing SOMETHING that most often doesn't really make sense.

And the sex scenes... oh my. Just to be clear, I don't object to books containing sex scenes. I think people should be less embarrassed about their sexuality. But these are terrible. And I mean, laugh-out-loud terrible. Ana can apparently orgasm just from having her breasts touched, and despite being a virgin, only cries "argh" when Grey's "considerable length" is RAMMED inside her. She constantly refers to what Grey is making her feel "down there" (which lead us to constantly ask if this was written by a 14 year old) and then shatters into a million billion pieces. Grey's regular use of the word "baby" is hilarious, and caused actual laughing fits.

Outside the sex scenes, it is TEDIOUSLY boring. How this came to be a best seller I will never know. I have since deleted it from my Kindle as I felt it was an affront to the English language to keep it. However, I recommend it if you fancy a laugh!
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249 of 264 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Holy crap! It's Fifty Shades of S***!, 4 July 2012
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I have just done a Masters degree in Publishing where we were taught that in the world today, publishing houses are so desperate for the next best thing that they will literally kill their own mothers to plug a book they think will be a bestsellers. Well written, non-sensational books that provide excellent writing, good characters and a whole heap of imagination and skill are being shoved to the bottom of the pile and stamped 'QUITE NICE, BUT WON'T MAKE ANY MONEY'.
This is obviously what happened here. Someone went 'Oh my! This is a scream! It will revolutionize bedrooms! It will redefine the boundaries of eroticism! It will trounce those saps at Mills and Boon! And more importantly, it'll make us shed loads of cash!'

It is patently clear that the book has never seen an editor - because why would any self-respecting editor let it go? Where would any self-respecting editor even know where to start? Shouldn't someone, at some point, have said, 'Er, look, EL James, we really like what you're doing here and it's all very saucy and a bit rude, tee hee hee, but we've got a bit of an issue with repetition. You see, at the moment, Ana Steele says 'Holy crap' 230,493 times, and says 'Oh my' 1,435,500 times, which we think is a bit much. Great work, an' all, but do you think you could cut a few out?' That obviously never happened. Instead, they shoved it all in, gave the book a snazzy, sleek cover, which is a million times classier than the book itself, yelled 'It's mummy porn!' from the rooftops in the hope it would catch on, and there we have it, a record-breaking bestseller.

Quite aside from the frankly ridiculous sex scenes - no one, and I repeat, no one, has that much fun losing their virginity - I was actually shocked by the writing. Reader, it is so bad. I knew it would be bad, but I didn't know it was that bad. Let me give you an example:
'Sunday at the store is a nightmare. We are besieged by do-it-yourselfers wanting to spruce up their homes. Mr and Mrs Clayton and John and Patrick - the other two part-timers - and I are besieged by customers'.
I was on the train when I read that sentence. I actually went 'You are joking!' out loud, and looked around wildly for someone with whom to share my outrage. Where was the editor? Where was this editor who was supposed to say 'Sorry, EL James, do you think you can use a different word to 'besieged', as you have used it twice in two sentences and, as we all know, word repetition is a classic sign of terrible writing'??

I'm sorry, reader. But reading this book made me feel stupid. I actually feel that, while my knowledge of sexual exploits may have been vaguely lifted, my reading age has plummeted. If you want some cheap titillation - for that's all it is - then go for it, it'll make you smile, it'll make you raise an eyebrow or two - but if you can get past the God-awful, horrendous, basic, dreadful, atrocious writing style, then you've done better than me. It's a shame - a real shame - that a book of this standard has broken records and made a lot of people a lot of money. What hope is there for the talented writers who don't want to write about genital clamping?
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