68 of 77 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Well readers, I can't tell no more;
Fifty Shades of Grey Hair
The missus bought a Paperback
down Dymocks, Saturday,
...I had a look in her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.....
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a...
Published 15 months ago by yanni
6,087 of 6,343 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Oh My! What a pile of discarded panties
Oh My, I mean really, Oh my, oh my, oh my......No readers, I have not just been whipped (pardon the pun) into a bosom heaving wreck by the size of my partner's "impressive length". I have in fact, just dragged myself through to the final page of this ludicrous nonsense and found myself almost speechless. Almost...
The main character, Christian Grey, is quite...
Published 20 months ago by Lazycatfish
Most Helpful First | Newest First
159 of 168 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Absolute, unashamed, utter drivel.,
Boring, predictable, unimaginative, unrealisitc and absolutely shockingly written!! Someone says 'read it with an open mind' which I can only assume means pretend that you have never read ANYTHING in your life so that this seems at least half decent. Save yourself the couple of quid and don't bother, it's not. I only bought it to see what all the fuss was about and there is none. I am only a thrid of the way through and I am just glad I can type as I am lost for words, even just one adjective to sum this up. I IMPLORE you NOT to buy this!! Or, if you must, through sheer curiosity, do what the 'most helpful' bad review says and laugh at it, drunk in a pub with some mates. And leave it on the table when you leave.......wish I could be more constructive, I would be if it deserved it!!
207 of 219 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Why? Why? Why?,
This review is from: Fifty Shades of Grey (Kindle Edition)
If you have self respect, do NOT read this book.
When people suggest the book is "pornographic" they are speaking completely literally. I judge myself for having read some of the stuff in it. It is irritatingly plotless, with entirely unrealistic sex scenes.The fact that the book is pornographic wouldn't bother me, if it weren't for the fact that is sounds like sexual encounters as described by an 11-year old. She uses childish phrases like "Down THERE" and "my Sex" (as a noun to mean her genitals) which make the book seem even more creepy than it already is.
In addition to that it is extraordinarily badly written! There are a few phrases that are actually used every single page, without exception. There are frequent spelling and grammar mistakes, and the writer even seems to forget where she has decided to set the book a couple of times.
All of this may deter from the quality of the book, but for me the thing that makes it unbearable, is hearing people describe it as "romance". Seriously?! Although some healthy couples are into BDSM, this is NOT an example of a BDSM relationship. To me, this is a fully abusive relationship. I cannot understand what book people are reading when they suggest Christian Grey is romantic.
I think this book will create immense problems over the next few years, with girls allowing themselves to be abused, as the heroin does in this novel. Its disturbing, unhealthy, abusive, and very badly written. Please do not read this, it is a purchase I regret entirely.
189 of 200 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Hands down, the WORST piece of writing I have EVER come across,
This review is from: Fifty Shades of Grey (Kindle Edition)
I didn't want to give this any stars but according to Amazon I must give something so I have, very reluctantly, given it one. I am SO mad at the author for passing off such god-awful writing that I am tempted to write to her. Yes, yes, I know, it's supposed to be an erotic novel so I shouldn't expect it to be well written. In my defense I didn't know it was the modern-day answer to Jackie Collins, (I only read it cos my boyfriend is currently working at the Heathman and he was telling me about an author who was staying there and was causing a stir with the book she wrote....) ANYWAY, that's my excuse.
Honestly though, is being an erotic novel mutually exclusive to good writing? Or even just READABLE writing?! This book reads like she wrote a total of 2 scenes and then just slightly changed them over and over again to stretch out over a whole book. She seems to find words that she thinks sound intelligent and then just use them again and again and again and again. Not a word of a lie. I have never read the words "impassive" "mercurial" and "woah" more in my life. And I never want to read them again. The characters are SO unbelievably cliched, I just wanted to smack them, especially the beautiful, young, intelligent, self-deprecating, headstrong, hardworking, much beloved lead female character who has many male friends who all want to shag her something rotten but she "just doesn't realise" and she just loves them like "a brother". By the way, this is the same girl who is a university graduate but doesn't have a computer, email address or mobile phone. Yeah.
The writing and irritating characters were SO annoying that any semblance of eroticism was completely knocked out of the book, it's that bad.
I could go on and on but I won't because it's making my blood boil.
Needless to say I don't recommend it.
If you are in the market for erotic novels (and this is my first and will be my last) I suggest you write your own. I promise, it will be much better. Or just watch some porn.
124 of 131 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Oh please really,
Oh please really. We are asked to identify with a beautiful, wonderful gloriously intelligent 21 year old virgin who has multiple orgasms at the site of a paddle and rope. Her demonic, handsome sadistic boyfriend hurts and humiliates her (but all in the nicest most legal way of course)and she spends hundreds of pages wondering if this is a good thing or not. the only reason to stick with him is his private aeroplane, collection of cars and nice valet. Please tell me women's lib has got a bit further and that it takes more than S and M to inspire lust.
It is compulsive reading but please can someone come up with something more life enhancing, better written and erotic which doesnt portray woman as utterly mindless.
283 of 300 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars When fan-fic goes global,
Finished Fifty Shades of Grey.
While I'm in no way a literary type - as we all know - I still believe a novel can teach us something vital.
Here's a brief list of the many lessons this novel has taught me.
1. People in Seattle, USA talk exactly the same as in Surrey, UK.
2. University-educated women still wear pink PJ's with fluffy bunnies on them.
3. University-educated women say 'Oh my God!', 'Crap!' and 'Double crap!' more times hourly than a teenage male thinks about sex daily.
4. A 'mega-industrialist tycoon' talks like a character from Le Morte D'Arthur...
5. ...and has time to spend his day ceaselessly e-mailing.
6. Newcomers to oral sex have no gag reflex.
7. The more ham-fisted allusions to Thomas Hardy, the more gravitas.
8. Forcing the word 'dearest' as many, many times as possible into a sentence really, really, improves it.
9. Spelling out your theme for the reader in every third chapter is an adroit strategy.
10. A sub's contract needs 3 appendices.
11. Orgasms feel like 'a spin cycle'.
12. A sentence like 'He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle' is deathless.
203 of 215 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Fifty shades of lame,
I must have done something truly noble in my past life because I was lucky enough not to spend money on this trash. Maybe I was a professional kitten rescuer. Or maybe I saved a pope from being raped by rabid dogs. i was however unfortunate enough to waste my time, precious time which will not be coming back.
So a few things. I was a 22 year old virgin when I met my husband. He was my first everything. I too didn't know how to get my rocks off myself and I too hot off the starting blocks ended up with a man who is an exceptional lover (but I have nothing to compare, so how would I know!). So that part was not so unbelievable to me. However, my husband was not a dominnering as$hole, and I was not a mincing idiot. This wasn't in 1962 in case you're wondering. I'm 30. And the first few times hurt like a mofo. Seriously, exactly no women orgasm five times the first time they have sex. Except for porn stars.
Anyways, on with this epic piece of literature! Meet Mr Grey, a man who is the Michael Flatley of sex. And boy does he like to have a lot of it. I'm not complaining, au contraire. I wish often that I too was getting banged as often as the door of an atheist in a Jehovah's Witness neighbourhood. But then along comes Ana, a girlwoman about as interesting as George Osborne's nasal hair. She's never had sex! Doesn't even know what it is! The man-whore and the virgin? Jeez, get outta here!
Predictably, Chris wants her. And she's all like "You want me? For serious? Gollygoshwow!" CG by the way has made a lot of money by marrying rich old oil tycoons and waiting for them to pop off, thus inheriting their huge amounts of cash. Joking! He's a billionaire at 27, runs his own company and still has ample time to harass and stalk Ana and shower her with inappropriate gifts. He has made his money by being Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.
But there's a twist... Chris is into shackles and whips and bondage, oh my! But whatevs, Ana is too astounded by his enormous assets (literally and figuratively) to care. Her kitchen scares her. Note - a man who lives in a house that doesn't look like anyone lives in it ever is kind of a warning.
Lots of haymaking ensues. Around this the author has cobbled together snippets from Pretty Woman, teenage novels, the Sun's problem page and online porn. Eyes roll, lips are bitten. Most ground breakingly of all, there is a tender scene where Christian lovingly removes her tampon to engage in some peiord humping while Ana's mother is in the hotel's bar downstairs. I kid you not. At this point, so many of my braincells had died. My eyes wanted to commit suicide by blinding themselves. My brain wanted to be rinsed. I wish I could unread the whole book.
Anyway, towards the end Ana grows a second braincell that confers with the first one and is all like "Jeez this may not be such a good idea". THE END. Ha! I wish. I wish she'd choked on her own lip. But there's two more books. Two. More. Books.
Well there you have it. I'm not a prude, I like erotic fiction, and if you've ever read Anais Nin you know it can get weirder than anything FSOG has to offer. It's just not written like literary vomit from the mind of a 12 year old who just typed `SEX" into Google. The hottest S&M scene I ever read was in Paulo Cohelo's 11 minutes. It was astoundingly well written and extremely erotic. The comparison is Justin Beiber and Pavarotti.
It amazes me that so many women love this book. Let's face it, Christian Grey is only attractive because he's rich. That makes all his issues ok. If he was broke, Ana would have run a mile the other way from his stalking and domineering ways. Wrong on so many levels. Ask yourself, would you want your daughter going out with a man like this? NO! I pray to God that never happens to any female I know and love. Hot sex doesn't make up for you being half crazy. Though if you're as stupid as Ana you probably deserve it.
I BESEECH YOU, DO NOT BUY!!!
59 of 62 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Don't waste your money.....,
This review is from: Fifty Shades of Grey (Kindle Edition)
I read about this book a few months ago but wasn't really interested, however a few of my work colleagues have read it and raved about it, so I thought I'd give it a go.
How this book has so many 5 star reviews, I have no idea. The book is badly written, there is literally no plot and the characters are laughably 2 dimensional. Even the sex scenes, which you might think would provide a bit of excitement between pages of terrible prose, were dire. If I hadn't seen a picture of the author already, I would have thought that it was written by a 16 year old.
If it were possible to make a drinking game from a book, this would be ideal. Drink every time the words 'Oh my', 'Inner Goddess', 'Subconscious', 'Foil packet' 'Holy crap' or 'Biting my lip' are used, and you'll be very drunk very quickly..... It is incredibly repetitive - for example, parts of the 'sex contract' are reproduced in full on more than one occasion.
If you truly believe that this is 'the best book ever written', I'd be interested to see the kind of books that you've read before. I wouldn't even recommend this book if it was free.
27 of 28 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Sweet mercy this is bad!,
I arrived home early once day (not a euphemism) and found my devious wife Mildred reading this, when I saw the title I assumed that it was a book about use of shading in art. I became curious as after some research, I became aware that there are only actually 12 shades of grey that are readily acknowledged but the British Art Council (13 if you know the secret hand shake). I wondered where the other 37 came from, some sort of secret colour palette? I demanded answers! (slams fist on desk)
I approached my local book-vendor who angrily explained the book's premise, I pretended to faint in the shop to make it clear that I disapproved.
Me and the freshly irate book-vendor waited in the bushes outside my front door for Mildred to arrive home. When we saw her slowly approaching the door, sweating from the slight gradient, we pounced out like coiled chimps and pelted her with witty insults, phlegm and some leftover quiche I found in the fridge. Whilst Mildred desperately tried to counter our witty insults, the book vendor stunned her with a well aimed quiche slice to the face. Smelling the nutty stench of victory, I sprung, wrestled the book from the clutches of her sausage fingers and scurried into the woods to read it.
*Spoiler Alert* - This book is terrible
I read the first few chapters and quickly realised that this was garbage (of the spurious variety). The characters were more wooden than the contents of Mr Greys bulging pants and the endless descriptions of the man's appearance are over the top and seem to be based entirely on retro-hunk Daniel Bedingfield.
Ana's 'Inner Goddess' appears to a combination of indigestion and an undiagnosed personality disorder, the inner goddess also appears to be preparing for the Olympics, it spends its days either swooning or pole vaulting - im assuming this is practise to avoid being violently jabbed by Mr Grey's 'impressive length'.
Mr Grey manages to woo Ana by stalking her and giving her menacing looks like a pervert Dracula, whilst constantly mentioning how rich he is - "Did I mention that my car has an owl sanctuary in the back seat?". His obvious evilness becomes irrelevant when he plays his piano (not a euphemism) in the buff, with not a worry about leaving hairs or skid marks on the stool.
I don't consider myself to be a woman - the opposite in fact - but I doubt any real woman would be seduced by a man hiding in their bins muttering something about his holiday in Barbados.
My blood boiled when I saw the word 'jeez' I thought Screech from Saved by the Bell had joined the book to give Ana a seeing to.
I assume Mr Grey's enjoyment of violent coitus actually stems from finding (as I do) Ana completely unbearable and filling with rage every time she repeats a Screech-ism. Im assuming it started after she shouted 'Zoikers!' in a high pitched hilarious voice.
The authors over-use of the word 'length' is unsettling and makes me wonder if she is desperately trying to compensation for her husbands chronic lack of inches.
Mr grey's novelty over-sized appendage isn't the only unbelievable point in the book. Mr Grey seems to be able to hear Ana's internal monologues (not a euphemism) after their coitus and make a humorous and relevant quip. Ana never seems to question his mind reading ability, although this would have been an exciting sub plot to explore but im sure it would end up with him rubbing himself against everything in sight.
Mr Grey's character is 1 dimensional. He seems to be a human form of a dog in heat and seems to struggle to hold a conversation without trying to impregnate something. Its a stretch to believe this man could a self made millionaire when his belt spends more time round his ankles than his waist.
Im sure by the third book (yes theres 3!) he will have settled down together - only after his thrust-heavy life style has been cut short by the inevitable arthritis of the hip.
122 of 129 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars one of the very few books I didn't finish,
After cringing through three quarters of the book, I couldn't bear to read any more. It is written in the present tense which is highly annoying and the language is very basic,simplistic and repetitive. Save your time and money.
42 of 44 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars 50 Shades of S**t,
I have never read anything as poor as this before. I was so relieved to finish so I could actually read something decent.
Lets start with the positives, E L James has successfully brought to the forefront of public discussion by increasing awareness of a subject not really openly talked about before; BDSM. That in itself is a fantastic achievement. When you first discover that Christian Gray is into BDSM you are shocked and can't wait to find out what happens. Lets be honest we all knew it was mummy porn, and we all wanted to find out what sexual activity has made this so popular. However...
...despite this revelation, the book is so terrible it was excruciating to read. Firstly the book is poorly written, whoever edited and published this book should be banned from working in publishing ever again. The sentence structure and choice of words is reminiscent of a 15 year old teenager. She constantly repeats the same phrases, making you want to skim across the dialogue as she's already used it ten times previously. On the top of my hate list are `Oh My', `Holy Crap', `Shatter Into A Thousand Pieces', `Piercing Gaze', `Don't Bite Your Lip,' it just makes you feel like it drags on and on and on and on and on (is that annoying E L James?)
Secondly the story is wildly unbelievable. If you were stalked, and yes Christian Gray is a stalker, by a rich dominating man, who was clearly abused as a child and now likes to abuse others sexually, you would have called the police and obtained a restraining order. Also to publish in a book that you can't get pregnant after taking a contraceptive pill only a few hours before is completely irresponsible. E L James clearly hasn't read the instructions booklet of a contraceptive pill before. The female lead in this book is Ana Steele, who is a 21 year old virgin and has quickly become adept at orgasming after one thrust, if only this was that easy for every virgin.
Its written poorly and the storyline is rubbish furthermore this book was originally written as a twilight fan fiction and posted on twilight fan blogs under the title Master of The Universe with Stephanie Meyers character names; Edward Cullen and Bella Swan before being changed, most likely due to copyright infringements. Many people will tell you that Ana Steele is Bella Swan but more annoying.
The fact that it is now the biggest selling book in the UK ever is embarrassing. Its cheap on amazon and the film is going to be huge when released but the book is so so poor.
Most Helpful First | Newest First
Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James