Customer Reviews

Fifty Shades of Grey

5 star:		(2,604)
4 star:		(565)
3 star:		(664)
2 star:		(553)
1 star:		(1,845)

 

 

This is a landmark piece of literature: not just the fastest book ever sold in the UK, but conclusive evidence that you are allowed to steal somebody else's novel, take out the only element that made the original bearable,add a bit of middle-age-fantasy S&M and hit the "replace" key for all names, and inexplicably not get sued for it.

There is nothing good about this book. At least with Twilight it had the excuse of being aimed at teenagers who couldn't be expected to know that a) it had been done before and b) it wasn't very good: this is being purchased by grown up ADULTS, and I'm ashamed to say I'm now one of them. It's not just offensive to erotic novels, it's offensive to men, women, sex, England, America and literature. Which is, if you look at it in a positive light, quite a massive achievement with just a few bits of paper.

In terms of basic writing, it's unbearable. Worse, it tries so hard to drag itself into an intelligent arena by name-dropping - repeatedly - real literature: Austen, Bronte, Hardy, Shakespeare. At one point I literally found myself screaming "GET YOUR DIRTY LITTLE HANDS OFF THOMAS HARDY, JAMES", because frankly crap of this standard has no right whatsoever trying to claw its way out of the literary swamp by quoting sections of Tess of the D'Urbervilles and comparing its protagonist to one of the most fragile, brave, three dimensional heroines ever written.

Ah, Ana Steele. It didn't seem possible that there would ever be a lead female character as boring, constantly tremulous or silly as Bella Swann, but James has done a magnificent job: Ana Steele is even worse. For all of their love of "classic British fiction", both James and Ana seem to be missing the key to their success: classics have real women, with believable and likeable personalities. Not lip-biting, slightly schizophrenic, weak and consantly-orgasmic hussies. Put Ana Steele into any Austen book, and she'd be the one-legged prostitute the other characters try not to step on on their way to parties.

The epynonymous Christian Grey is without exception the creepiest male character I've ever read, and I want him out of my imagination RIGHT NOW. Stalking, obsessive, possessive, controlling, humourless men like Grey are not sexy: they're the subject of court cases and restraining orders. This isn't a triumph of representation, by the way: if James was aiming for skin-crawling repulsion, at least she'd be succeeding somewhere. But Christian Grey - despite being a man who gasps nearly as regularly as Ana - is supposed to be an Alpha Male, because apparently strong men don't take "no" for an answer.

I WISH I was offended by the sex scenes. I WISH I could throw it across the room, decide that the world's taste in literature is too horny for me, and simply pat myself on the back for being an uptight prude. But I'm all up for sex in books, as long as it's done well: this is not. It's as bad as a grainy porn film from the 80s, and as old-fashioned.

What makes me sad, really, is knowing that a book like this can make a woman like James rich, and take thousands and thousands of hours from the lives of people all over the world. What makes me even more sad is that I am one of them.

Save your money, save your soul, and - for the love of all things literary - just go buy Tess of the D'Urbervilles.

I have just done a Masters degree in Publishing where we were taught that in the world today, publishing houses are so desperate for the next best thing that they will literally kill their own mothers to plug a book they think will be a bestsellers. Well written, non-sensational books that provide excellent writing, good characters and a whole heap of imagination and skill are being shoved to the bottom of the pile and stamped 'QUITE NICE, BUT WON'T MAKE ANY MONEY'.
This is obviously what happened here. Someone went 'Oh my! This is a scream! It will revolutionize bedrooms! It will redefine the boundaries of eroticism! It will trounce those saps at Mills and Boon! And more importantly, it'll make us shed loads of cash!'

It is patently clear that the book has never seen an editor - because why would any self-respecting editor let it go? Where would any self-respecting editor even know where to start? Shouldn't someone, at some point, have said, 'Er, look, EL James, we really like what you're doing here and it's all very saucy and a bit rude, tee hee hee, but we've got a bit of an issue with repetition. You see, at the moment, Ana Steele says 'Holy crap' 230,493 times, and says 'Oh my' 1,435,500 times, which we think is a bit much. Great work, an' all, but do you think you could cut a few out?' That obviously never happened. Instead, they shoved it all in, gave the book a snazzy, sleek cover, which is a million times classier than the book itself, yelled 'It's mummy porn!' from the rooftops in the hope it would catch on, and there we have it, a record-breaking bestseller.

Quite aside from the frankly ridiculous sex scenes - no one, and I repeat, no one, has that much fun losing their virginity - I was actually shocked by the writing. Reader, it is so bad. I knew it would be bad, but I didn't know it was that bad. Let me give you an example:
'Sunday at the store is a nightmare. We are besieged by do-it-yourselfers wanting to spruce up their homes. Mr and Mrs Clayton and John and Patrick - the other two part-timers - and I are besieged by customers'.
I was on the train when I read that sentence. I actually went 'You are joking!' out loud, and looked around wildly for someone with whom to share my outrage. Where was the editor? Where was this editor who was supposed to say 'Sorry, EL James, do you think you can use a different word to 'besieged', as you have used it twice in two sentences and, as we all know, word repetition is a classic sign of terrible writing'??

I'm sorry, reader. But reading this book made me feel stupid. I actually feel that, while my knowledge of sexual exploits may have been vaguely lifted, my reading age has plummeted. If you want some cheap titillation - for that's all it is - then go for it, it'll make you smile, it'll make you raise an eyebrow or two - but if you can get past the God-awful, horrendous, basic, dreadful, atrocious writing style, then you've done better than me. It's a shame - a real shame - that a book of this standard has broken records and made a lot of people a lot of money. What hope is there for the talented writers who don't want to write about genital clamping?

I must have done something truly noble in my past life because I was lucky enough not to spend money on this trash. Maybe I was a professional kitten rescuer. Or maybe I saved a pope from being raped by rabid dogs. i was however unfortunate enough to waste my time, precious time which will not be coming back.

So a few things. I was a 22 year old virgin when I met my husband. He was my first everything. I too didn't know how to get my rocks off myself and I too hot off the starting blocks ended up with a man who is an exceptional lover (but I have nothing to compare, so how would I know!). So that part was not so unbelievable to me. However, my husband was not a dominnering as$hole, and I was not a mincing idiot. This wasn't in 1962 in case you're wondering. I'm 30. And the first few times hurt like a mofo. Seriously, exactly no women orgasm five times the first time they have sex. Except for porn stars.

Anyways, on with this epic piece of literature! Meet Mr Grey, a man who is the Michael Flatley of sex. And boy does he like to have a lot of it. I'm not complaining, au contraire. I wish often that I too was getting banged as often as the door of an atheist in a Jehovah's Witness neighbourhood. But then along comes Ana, a girlwoman about as interesting as George Osborne's nasal hair. She's never had sex! Doesn't even know what it is! The man-whore and the virgin? Jeez, get outta here!

Predictably, Chris wants her. And she's all like "You want me? For serious? Gollygoshwow!" CG by the way has made a lot of money by marrying rich old oil tycoons and waiting for them to pop off, thus inheriting their huge amounts of cash. Joking! He's a billionaire at 27, runs his own company and still has ample time to harass and stalk Ana and shower her with inappropriate gifts. He has made his money by being Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.

But there's a twist... Chris is into shackles and whips and bondage, oh my! But whatevs, Ana is too astounded by his enormous assets (literally and figuratively) to care. Her kitchen scares her. Note - a man who lives in a house that doesn't look like anyone lives in it ever is kind of a warning.

Lots of haymaking ensues. Around this the author has cobbled together snippets from Pretty Woman, teenage novels, the Sun's problem page and online porn. Eyes roll, lips are bitten. Most ground breakingly of all, there is a tender scene where Christian lovingly removes her tampon to engage in some peiord humping while Ana's mother is in the hotel's bar downstairs. I kid you not. At this point, so many of my braincells had died. My eyes wanted to commit suicide by blinding themselves. My brain wanted to be rinsed. I wish I could unread the whole book.

Anyway, towards the end Ana grows a second braincell that confers with the first one and is all like "Jeez this may not be such a good idea". THE END. Ha! I wish. I wish she'd choked on her own lip. But there's two more books. Two. More. Books.

Well there you have it. I'm not a prude, I like erotic fiction, and if you've ever read Anais Nin you know it can get weirder than anything FSOG has to offer. It's just not written like literary vomit from the mind of a 12 year old who just typed `SEX" into Google. The hottest S&M scene I ever read was in Paulo Cohelo's 11 minutes. It was astoundingly well written and extremely erotic. The comparison is Justin Beiber and Pavarotti.

It amazes me that so many women love this book. Let's face it, Christian Grey is only attractive because he's rich. That makes all his issues ok. If he was broke, Ana would have run a mile the other way from his stalking and domineering ways. Wrong on so many levels. Ask yourself, would you want your daughter going out with a man like this? NO! I pray to God that never happens to any female I know and love. Hot sex doesn't make up for you being half crazy. Though if you're as stupid as Ana you probably deserve it.

I BESEECH YOU, DO NOT BUY!!!

Oh please really. We are asked to identify with a beautiful, wonderful gloriously intelligent 21 year old virgin who has multiple orgasms at the site of a paddle and rope. Her demonic, handsome sadistic boyfriend hurts and humiliates her (but all in the nicest most legal way of course)and she spends hundreds of pages wondering if this is a good thing or not. the only reason to stick with him is his private aeroplane, collection of cars and nice valet. Please tell me women's lib has got a bit further and that it takes more than S and M to inspire lust.
It is compulsive reading but please can someone come up with something more life enhancing, better written and erotic which doesnt portray woman as utterly mindless.

It makes me sick that the author of this utter tosh is raking in a fortune when there are genuinely talented authors out there who deserve it far more. Its repetitve, boring, drivel. Its not even titillating....using such statements as "he placed his finger on my sex".... he did what?! if i never hear about lip biting again itll be too soon and no, "laters baby" is not cool and should only be mentioned outside the pages of this utter rubbish on pain of death. The appalling writing aside....the storyline of the orgasmic responsive stunning 21 year old VIRGIN (say whaaaat) with the billionaire sexual predator with an obsession for bdsm turns my stomach a bit. its cliched junk and had i bought it in paper copy id have set it on fire whilst dancing around its burning embers, laughing manically.

Boring, predictable, unimaginative, unrealisitc and absolutely shockingly written!! Someone says 'read it with an open mind' which I can only assume means pretend that you have never read ANYTHING in your life so that this seems at least half decent. Save yourself the couple of quid and don't bother, it's not. I only bought it to see what all the fuss was about and there is none. I am only a thrid of the way through and I am just glad I can type as I am lost for words, even just one adjective to sum this up. I IMPLORE you NOT to buy this!! Or, if you must, through sheer curiosity, do what the 'most helpful' bad review says and laugh at it, drunk in a pub with some mates. And leave it on the table when you leave.......wish I could be more constructive, I would be if it deserved it!!

I don't like giving books a 1 star review, because, well really no book is THAT bad, it got published after all. There was so much hype around this book that I finally just looked it up on the Kindle store, saw that it was apparently very poorly written, and asked my boyfriend if he fancied having a laugh as I read the book out loud. I was certain that it couldn't be as bad as many of the reviews were making out.... but it was. Oh my, it was.

The writing is just... terrible. The author uses the same words over and over again. Nobody in the book just "says" anything, they all "murmur". The only other thing they do is mutter. Christian Grey always has a "ghost of a smile on his lips", is always "gazing" at people, Ana flushes every 5 minutes, constantly says "oh my", and everyone seems to gasp at regular intervals. And words are often used in the wrong context, or just in a clumsy fashion. There are so many terrible metaphors and similes that we often just found ourselves laughing out loud.

The characters are bipolar, or something. Ana and Grey are all of a sudden really hostile to each other (for no apparent reason), then in the next paragraph they're very friendly and kind. Then all of a sudden back to being hostile. It made no sense. Grey got ridiculously angry when he found out Ana was a virgin and starts shouting "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!?!" but they'd only met about 3 times previously. Grey himself is, I'm 100% sure, the result of two teenagers dreaming up their ideal man. "He should be handsome! And really muscular. And he needs to be rich, and want to end famine, and love art, and be a concert pianist, and a pilot, and be really good at sex. Oh, and his pants should always hang, you know... in that way. You know what I mean!" Grey is simultaneously described as a muscular Adonis, and having a lithe, slim figure, and his eyes are always blazing or burning or scorching or doing SOMETHING that most often doesn't really make sense.

And the sex scenes... oh my. Just to be clear, I don't object to books containing sex scenes. I think people should be less embarrassed about their sexuality. But these are terrible. And I mean, laugh-out-loud terrible. Ana can apparently orgasm just from having her breasts touched, and despite being a virgin, only cries "argh" when Grey's "considerable length" is RAMMED inside her. She constantly refers to what Grey is making her feel "down there" (which lead us to constantly ask if this was written by a 14 year old) and then shatters into a million billion pieces. Grey's regular use of the word "baby" is hilarious, and caused actual laughing fits.

Outside the sex scenes, it is TEDIOUSLY boring. How this came to be a best seller I will never know. I have since deleted it from my Kindle as I felt it was an affront to the English language to keep it. However, I recommend it if you fancy a laugh!

Well, hats off to E.L.James for selling her erotic trilogy, getting it discussed on Woman's Hour and in The Guardian and (I think I'm right)selling the film rights, but my first thought was that this must be a spoof. Apparently not, it seems, there are women out there who get turned on by this kind of thing, and like the idea of a certain amount of perverse, dominating sexual stuff as long as the man who's providing it looks young, beautiful, has 'burning gray eyes', (how do gray eyes burn, I wonder? Dracula's did, but they were red!) is powerful, rich, plays the piano, has been damaged in his youth and shows flashes of tenderness and concern etc etc.

I honestly don't get it, but then for me, in a romantic or sexy book 'less is more' and pages and pages of descriptions of sexual acts bore me rigid. But to me, what's really disturbing is the character of Ana, so submissive, so easily turned on, so lacking in feisty resistance to this ghastly, dominating, weird (if improbable) man. Is she a good role model? No, she's not. I do hope any young woman between the ages of 14-30 coming upon this book sees it for what it is, a fantasy, a vibrator in book form, and doesn't take it seriously.

I really wanted Ana to lead Christian Grey on, and then turn the tables on him in some way, expose him to ridicule or just slap him in the face with a kipper! But then I'm not into S. and M., so what do I know?

I shall now go and delete this stuff from my Kindle! Luckily, I didn't pay much for it!

I couldn't bring myself to read past the second page. It is just so badly written. The central character is a complete, well I don't know what. If curiosity has got the better of you, which it did me then nothing will put you off. I wouldn't bother though.

Finished Fifty Shades of Grey.

While I'm in no way a literary type - as we all know - I still believe a novel can teach us something vital.

Here's a brief list of the many lessons this novel has taught me.

1. People in Seattle, USA talk exactly the same as in Surrey, UK.

2. University-educated women still wear pink PJ's with fluffy bunnies on them.

3. University-educated women say 'Oh my God!', 'Crap!' and 'Double crap!' more times hourly than a teenage male thinks about sex daily.

4. A 'mega-industrialist tycoon' talks like a character from Le Morte D'Arthur...

5. ...and has time to spend his day ceaselessly e-mailing.

6. Newcomers to oral sex have no gag reflex.

7. The more ham-fisted allusions to Thomas Hardy, the more gravitas.

8. Forcing the word 'dearest' as many, many times as possible into a sentence really, really, improves it.

9. Spelling out your theme for the reader in every third chapter is an adroit strategy.

10. A sub's contract needs 3 appendices.

11. Orgasms feel like 'a spin cycle'.

12. A sentence like 'He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle' is deathless.