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3.9 out of 5 stars
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on 3 May 2012
The author has clearly had an unhealthy, unsatisfying relationship and goes on to diagnose his ex partner with BPD after reading an article and doing some research. I would call this leaflet a one side post-mortem of unsuccessful relationship, rather than a description and analysis of BDP and relationships from a qualified professional.
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on 12 August 2012
David Surman's short treatise on his painful experience is worthy of being on every counselling and psychotherapy course reading list. Many of us grow up with a long list of unfulfilled needs, being treated specially by our mother partly because we, as men, are different maybe part of the problem. Surman's observation that he was both dealing with a trained professional psychotherapist as well as someone with a difficult and serious personality problem is profound. The fact that many, or all of such professionals are never screened as to why they are entering the profession is a point of concern. Love it seems was for him real but for his lover a detour to a controlling and manipulative state. He writes about the sudden precipitous ending and his suicidal feelings that the ending evoked in a honest manner. His book leaves a number of questions for the reader and for therapists like my self;
How much of his response was predisposition from unfulfilled needs etc?
In many cases only the affected injured party gets into therapy, what about the BPD individual?
What safeguards exist in caring professions to ensure BPD is detected in applicants and subsequently treated?
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on 26 March 2015
An interesting read & it's great to find a book written by the partner of a bpd relationship as majority are for the sufferers.
I could relate to most of the authors experiences but as my ex bpd relationship was with a male some of the experiences I had were different. I've been in two relationships with the most severe form of personality disorders. The first person was a psychopath, and I thought I'd suffered the worst until I met someone with BPD. In my opinion the police & other authorities should build up a profile of patterns of abuse towards the different victims which could help to make a diagnosis and force these people into treatment!
He will not admit to anything or get help for himself although he is deeply unhappy. His mother is the carrier of this gene being narcisstic and borderline herself it's pretty normal behaviour according to my ex. My ex needs monitoring by authorities because he's on the high scale of bpd and little did I realise he was the person who had been stalking me months prior to meeting him.
He is above average intelligence and due to his low self esteem he found it appropriate to install spyware onto my computer and mobile phones on 3 occasions it was due to the repeated incidents that I knew it was him while he watched me going mentally insane.
He had been calling the police telling them he was worried for my mental health months before I reported the computer hacking to which the police wouldn't do anything other than tell me to take my computer and the phones he'd messed with to a computer expert and if they can find any evidence its him then they will take action.

I was off work due to the mental wreck I'd become so obviously I didn't have the hundreds of pounds it would cost me to get an expert to look at them. He was obsessed with me, stalked & harrassed me excessively on & off the internet. I've had to block him on social networking sites but when this didn't work I had to isolate myself further and close my accounts. He was never violent but extremely emotionally abusive and narcisstic. He admitted he had the disorder and said he would get help when Id finally had enough but this was just a ploy to suck me back in while he lied and manipulated the psychologist during the bpd assessment to which she said "HE DIDN'T HAVE IT" after just 20 minutes of meeting him.
So that was the end of that...why the health professionals don't take this disorder serious is beyond me. He is left untreated and so he can continue with his battle for power & control in his relationships.
He did exactly same crap to his other ex's but still the cycle continues while I'm in therapy trying to make sense of what happened to me.
Seriously it's about time the health professionals actually listen to the victims In these relationships because in my experience he is a danger to women's mental health & wellbeing.
Thankyou to the author for sharing his story he gives a good insight into the familiar patterns of abuse.
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on 17 July 2014
I've just left an emotionally abusive relationship so I think or maybe I was the abuser he would certainly want me to believe that as every thing I did or said was wrong, I'm now finding a need to research all of this in a hope of finding answers, find some resolve some closure or just to make certain I don't own the personality flaws that have been projected on me. This book has been very insightful and helpful and I thoroughly recommend the read its given me more questions to ask myself and to look into and also given me insight into the contradictions of every thing I feel from this. The author is very honest with his experiences and the horrible reality of these relationships in a way a reassurance of just how does someone who once claimed they loved you wanted to marry you then turn so nasty and somehow manage to make you believe it was all your fault. Big praise to those who can be open enough to explore their own realities and work towards helping others.
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on 28 November 2012
I found David Surman's book a very useful edition to the various texts available on BPD because most of those books predominantly discuss the impact of BPD on the suffer; although more recent and accessible books discuss strategies in the main to allow you to continue to have some kind of relationship with the person who has BPD. David Surman rightly points out at the beginning of his narrative that BPD is a mental illness and causes great distress to the sufferer, however the unknowing victims of people with BPD and how they suffer is often over-looked and this can range from the children of a parent or guardian with BPD, to other family members, friends, and partners. Many of the victims of people with BPD, who hoped to find love or friendship or at the very least understanding discover that not only was that quest in vain but also lead to rejection with a level of cruelty which is very difficult to understand, nonetheless they finally develop the strength to either walk away and rebuild their lives or adopt strategies to allow them to cope. However for a small group of those victims it is not so easy, some may be damaged by the experience of trying to build a relationship with someone with BPD for a life-time, and a tiny minority may go to more desperate means by taking their own life or attacking the person who has driven them to such despair. I think for every adult who has ever encountered someone with BPD and tried to build a relationship with them David Surman's narrative will help you to ask yourself why you continued once you knew something was wrong in how they responded to you, to engage with them when they were causing you such pain, are their areas of your own personality you have to consider or issues from your own past that are predisposing you to wish to build a relationship with someone who is not able to reciprocate love or even true friendship; secondly I think it reassures that you are not to blame it was nothing you did, you didn't cause this person to have this condition, and will come to understand that suffers from BPD have a propensity to manipulate victims of their condition to believe this, in other words they will never take the blame or allow themselves to be challenged or held to account, Lastly hopefully you will develop a wisdom which will enable you to identify more easily people with this condition and have emotional strategies in place, which allow you to make good choices about who you have in your life. Praise to David Surman for writing this text and using his own story as an example, something that is not easy to do.
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on 10 July 2015
This book was characterised by a palpable sense of the anger and bitterness of the author towards his ex girlfriend. It is far from a factual or dispassionate examination of BPD. It was therefore difficult to receive advice or recommendations from him. I feel like he should have exorcised any hangover demons from his BPD ex girlfriend fully and healed before writing this angry book.
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on 7 May 2014
I have been diagnosed with a personality disorder. It was like reading about myself. I am fortunate to be in a relationship now with someone whom I love and respect enough (and who loves me enough to help me) to learn how to manage my feelings and behaviour. I am also fortunate enough to have some excellent prof
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on 22 July 2014
A very helpful book, after my undiagnosed borderline left me, I read this book, and I almost fainted in shock when I saw things like "If she mentions the!!". It explains BPD in a way that doesn't feel bland or medical, this guy wrote this to help, and help it did!
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on 7 November 2014
I have just got out of a year long relationship with a borderline narcissist woman.
This book sums up exactly what I have experienced.
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on 28 March 2014
Very thought provoking book. At least l realize l am not living with a Borderline partner.Which l am very grateful for !.
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