on 15 December 2010
A dilemma: 'Lake Placid 3' is a pretty bloody stupid film, with awful acting and terrible special effects, but, and it's a MASSIVE but, it contains full-frontal views of divine, rampant Roxanne 'Jo Stiles' Pallett.
Simmering Jo, sorry, Roxanne, takes just a few short minutes to shuck down and head for the water. Cue totally gratuitous shots of her splashing around, and then, er, splashing around a bit more. She then has porn-style sex with her grinning simpleton boyfriend before dying horribly (Did I mention Jo, sorry, Roxanne, is only in the film for the first five minutes ? No ? It matters not). Reassuringly, 'LP3' follows the tried and trusted b-flick formula: sex = death. When everyone's dead, introduce more sex. When the audience is bored to death, introduce more sex. The never-ending, spiraling vortex that exploitation and b has sadly become.
The rest of 'LP3' is a soggy disaster. SFX I could do better on my lappy, acting that strangely reminded me of metal fatigue and a work-shy, one-thread script which makes Ed Wood seem like Harold Pinter.
Apart from Jo, sorry, Roxanne, the only other familiar face is Michael Ironside, who is old and fat and just grunts around in a boat. Even in his current shambolic form, he recognizes instinctively he's in (another ?) turkey and cuts his cloth accordingly.
What's left is pure wind on the waves. Jo, sorry, Roxanne, should've drafted in a few of her soap pals to do some rewrites ~ she probably could've had a better go herself. There's only so much ogling of Jo, sorry, Roxanne and chortling at risible SFX you can do in a short lifetime (sacrilege, I do know ). There's even a sex-pervert who is no fun at all - and how likely is that ?
I cheered when a horrid ginger dog got snapped up, but apart from Jo, sorry, Roxanne, that was about it.
Now, the dilemma. 'LP3' is a one-star film in pretty much every respect, yet any movie that brags a bare Jo, sorry, Roxanne Pallett (and I need to be fair here, I've been ribbing her in this review, but she's quite good in her small role, her American accent isn't bad ~ and bod-wise, she is absolutely breath-taking !), deserves to be a straight fiver without any discussion. To give it four would suggest it had some worth, two would suggest a slightly noble failure and three is always a cop-out.
I'd better stick with the desperate one star, which on the whole, 'LP3' richly deserves. Where would we be if we started raving about awful movies, just because we're drooling over a participant (perfect example: 'LP1' ~ sexual ariel-angel Meredith Salenger is in that one ~ ooh, 5 stars. Yes, but she keeps her clothes on ~ ooh, back down to 1 ).
No, poor Jo, sorry, Roxanne, will just have to lump it. Remember, this time last year she was getting beaten black and blue by ugly, hopeless nutter Andy Sugden, and this time next year, she'll be back for more.
Karma has a nasty habit of delivering a sharp size ten to the gluteous maximus of those who get fancy ideas about the Arts, and it doesn't care if said gluteous maximus is perfect or not. I'm not going to stand here and do nothing....
on 25 September 2012
Pretty entertaining stuff, so, too, these comments, in similar spirit, intend to be a ramble that diverts and gladdens the reader rather than merely opt to be an excessively longfaced and serious assessment of the movie! "Crocodiles in Maine?!?", you may be asking yourself, members of the species which somehow, apparently (but unexplainedly), are winter-proofed, at that, and yet which remain excitingly vicious, too! I love to see one of them devour Teddy, the baby sitter`s obnoxiously yappy li`l lap dawg! Many of these beasts go on to tuck into nourishing repasts which these fearsome critters make also of some lovely ladies and of an overweight sheriff, among other victims, all of which humans make mighty fine crocodile fodder!
Then there is zealous and amourously entertaining Brett, among the characters of the film, as the young Welsh actor, Mark Evans, depicts him. Evans, so far (as of Oct. 2012) has had a paltry cinema career apart from "Lake Placid: 3", but he provides one of the movie`s highlights when, overcome with joy and desire, he delivers a stunningly prize-winningly, passionately full-jaws-binding (and noses-fusing) kiss (almost as carnivorous, in its life-affirming manner, as those crocodiles are, alas, in their own, death-dealing way of using their own jaws!) to his lucky screen girl friend, Ellie (played by Kacey Barnfield) which is, indisputably, of world-class, record-setting fervour worthy of a roaring standing ovation! What a shame it truly is (and such a loss to womankind!) that a crocodile devours Brett within so few moments after that extraordinary face-to-face buss with the lower frontal and sidelong portion of Ellie`s head!
My, oh, my! how that Welshman can kiss and woo!
Wow! ah, wow! how those crocs can bite and chew!
(Be it noted, in fact and even less romantically, that Crocodiles do not "chew" in the usual sense, but rather that their tongueless jaws and their teeth bite, crush, and sever, then they gulp down big chunks of any prey too large, like an human teenager or adult, to swallow whole. However, "chew" provides a convenient and nifty rhyme, doesn`t it, dear readers?)
Let`s all hope that a truly enterprising studio eventually will transform a sizzling and funny farce, "Crocodile Khader", which a writer already has conceived in his imagination, into a screenplay for a movie. It is the tale of two variously friendly then battling crocodiles, Khader and Khufir, who have come to the Aibitibi to frequent Lake Osisko and the surrounding environs.
In Egypt the two reptiles, Khader being good-natured, Khufir (a.k.a. Kafir) being evil and sadistic, had been pals, sharing the Egyptian Crocodile Community`s awards as distinguished, prize-winning "Eager Eaters". There they had lived in and upon the shores of the Nile River, before by various means and at different times they have come to dwell in the Abitibi region of Québec. In their crackling, crocodilian Arabic-tinged accents, both of them can cackle and grunt in French and English. Khufir himself notably has dined upon his own canine repast, having devoured Fluffy the Poodle, who had been functioning as watch-dawg at a local Chinese eatery. Khufir has not only has digested Fluffy, but he also has replaced that hound as the restaurant`s night guardian.
In that tale of the byways of displaced reptiles in the Abitibi, there is a terrific massacre, a dreadful instance of Death-by-Crododile, wherein Crocodile Khufir, the evil one of the two reptiles, kills and devours many of the children at the annual Christmas party which His Worship, the Mayor, hosts at the local City Hall. Crocodile Khader, on the other hand, loves and protects human children. So, Khader, who is the smaller of the pair but who has the advantage of being bionic, slays Khufir, the bigger croc, in an epic confrontation. Both crocodiles had arrived at the event decked out elegantly in Santa Claus costumes.
At any rate, the improbabilities of the multi-film "Lake Placid" crocodiles saga are perhaps only relatively less credible (some even may say, unkindly, only marginally less believable) than what are the unlikely elements in the Abitibian epic-in-the-making. One hopes that the Crocodiles Khader and Khufir get the posher animatronic, more solidly physical, and vividly cinematic effects of "Lake Placid: " in re-creating the saga of that pair of reptiles, rather than the cheaper computer effects that the crocodiles in "Lake Placid: 3" received with such visually as well as budgetarily parsimonious results. (Hint for real crocodile and wildlife fanciers: for a comedic action film which uses live and genuinely dangerous crocodiles, to far more thrilling effect rather either than animatronic contraptions or than computer generated imagery could equal, see, despite all his goofiness in acting, how Steve Irwin handles these perillous creatures, and several other deadly species, too, in the movie, "The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course" with the fascinating extra features of the "Special Edition" DVD, Metro-Goldwin Mayer Home Entertainment 4007668.)
Despite all the implausibilies afoot in the impending final film of the series set in Maine, I hardly can wait for "Lake Placid, the Final Chapter"! Can you? Perhaps Crocodile Khader, surviving back in the Abitibi, will be in the audience, if he really exist, to watch (and maybe to protest) it!