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SALT = Supremely Abominable Laughable Trash. Rarely was a title so appropriately selected...
on 20 October 2015
I have seen a lot of sh**ty films in my life - but few can match this one! I very litterally suffered viewing it and I HATE myself for having watched this... this... thingy until the last minute. Below, more of my impressions (but not much, because I just want to forget it), with very limited SPOILERS.
Evelyn Salt is a CIA operative, once active in operations abroad but nowadays mostly working in the office. She is very appreciated by her superior Ted Winter (Liev Schreiber) and happily married to a German enthomologist Mike Krause (August Diehl), who is well aware of the nature of her work. One day, Salt is given the task to debrief a Russian defector, Oleg Orlov (Daniel Olbrychski) - then all hell breaks lose and the film really begins.
For me this thing died after less than 10 minutes, during the interview of Oleg Orlov, as the story becomes at that moment so immensely ludicrous that it cannot even be considered a comedy. From that moment on, things get just more and more nonsensical until the mind blowing absurdity of the "great" finale. In the first half I was wondering why this film removed the top of my skull and keeps taking a dump inside - in the second half I understood that it was a safety procedure, because it was the only thing that kept my brain from exploding... I honestly think I have NEVER seen such nonsense in my life!
The nonsensical plot could be forgiven if at least there was anything else in this film - but there isn't. This is basically 100 minutes of stunts and action scenes, each one more over the top than the previous one, which in principle should be impressive - but as the main hero is invulnerable, indestructible, unstoppable, fire-proof, bullet -proof, water-proof (yes, that too), faster than light, stronger than Hulk, knows everything, speaks all the languages, read minds, etc. etc. it gets quickly boring. It is made even worse by main hero opponents - they are all completely incompetent slow targets, never offering any credible threat, making stupid things, seeing nothing, hearing nothing, understanding nothing, unable to shoot, unable to fight, unable to drive, etc... Picture a "shooting fishes in the barrel" Chuck Norris movie, just without the tongue-in-cheek parodic undertone of those MIA films - and you will get the picture.
There is almost no dialogs in this film, just shooting, running, jumping and explosions. There is no humour or second degree - this MOUNTAIN OF NONSENSE actually tries to pretend to be a serious film... The ending is... well, here I have a problem. I run out of negative adjectives and out of capital characters and out of insults... So I will just stop here and will not even mention the ending, for fear of throwing up.
I hated every second of this film and I just praise the Lord that I rented it instead of buying. Stay away from this %*£+§é!! as if it was a DEADLY PLAGUE.